First Court Hearing Next Week

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ok guys, I get to go to court next Thursday. I have a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday to get prepared. This is the first 30 minute session to establish temporary custody.

I'm wondering which of these points would be relevant to bring up in court, and which would be best to leave out... .

1) I have only seen my son for 5 days in 3 months
2) During this time she was asking my FAMILY to babysit while denying me access
3) She has allowed babysitters to watch my son
4) She has had multiple "friends" staying in the house with her and my son in the two months we have been separated.

I know there are more, but are these good for showing that she is trying to alienate me from my son? Is the court going to see through some of the BS, and try and come to a 50/50 agreement. The closer this comes the more scared I get.

[ForMySon]

Ok guys, I get to go to court next Thursday. I have a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday to get prepared. This is the first 30 minute session to establish temporary custody.

I'm wondering which of these points would be relevant to bring up in court, and which would be best to leave out... .

1) I have only seen my son for 5 days in 3 months
2) During this time she was asking my FAMILY to babysit while denying me access
3) She has allowed babysitters to watch my son
4) She has had multiple "friends" staying in the house with her and my son in the two months we have been separated.

I know there are more, but are these good for showing that she is trying to alienate me from my son? Is the court going to see through some of the BS, and try and come to a 50/50 agreement. The closer this comes the more scared I get.

[flourdust]

What kind of positive evidence do you have? Can you demonstrate that you've been an effective parent capable of solo caretaking in the past?

[ForMySon]

I have the email chain that shows her denying me access to my child, until recently when I feel that she wants to have an evening to go do something (so I become a babysitter and not a parent to her). I have the daycare that will testify that she was trying to get the daycare to deny me access to my child when I was visiting him there, because she wouldn't let me see him outside of daycare. I have text messages to my step father asking him to watch the child while telling me that I couldn't see him. I have kept detailed documentation of every action that has happened since before leaving the residence.

There have been instances where I was the one to take FMLA, and to care for my son. The one time he had hand, foot, and mouth disease I spent almost two weeks caring for him without issue. I was with my child his entire life up until I had to leave to save myself 3 months ago.

The 4-5 days that I have had him he has been well taken care of. I haven't been able to have more access to him not because I don't want to have it, but because I've been denied access to him.

[ForeverDad]

I agree with the others, bring your documentation with you.  To help the court visualize the near total blocking, make a large calendar and color in the time you got.  If you've been denied overnights then don't even color in completely those blocks.  Though it is obvious, you have to ensure the court is fully aware that you have had huge restrictions on your parenting time due to mother's summary decisions.

I never succeeded in this, but it can't hurt to ask for make-up time.  When our magistrate confirmed from my ex that she hadn't allowed me to have any contact with our preschooler for over 3 months, he said "I'll fix that."  My alternate weekend order had been dismissed months before and he simply reinstated it.  No make-up time for me, no consequences for her.

These initial hearing go quickly which is why they're brief.  But they're crucial to make sure you don't walk out with the typical father gets alternate weekends and opens his wallet orders.  That means you do have to speak up about the major issues, such as your parenting (and your children's time with father!) being blocked by an entitled spouse.

At the least, you should not get less than alternate weekends and a visit or overnight in between.  If your child is less than 3 years old, then a couple overnights in between.  And don't get shortchanged on your weekends, make sure they go from Friday pm to Sunday evening or better yet to Monday morning.  If the weekend is too short then your activities and family visits are too limited.

If possible, try to get equal time in the order.  Young children often get a 2-2-3 schedule where one parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent gets Wed-Thu overnights and then the parents alternate the three overnight weekends.  This is a time to be proactive and using strategies.  Some have wondered whether typical dads get poor schedules because they don't try very hard.  Well, you'll have to try very hard since you'll have a spouse trying very hard to sabotage you.

There is a truism here that temp orders often morph into final orders.  It seems the court concludes a temp order was working okay if it made it all the way through the case without major issues.  Sort of, ":)on't fix what isn't broken."  So you need to (1) get the best order you can get from the start and (2) report what inadequacies the temp order has so later at the end of the divorce those issues can be addressed.

[takingandsending]

I wanted to state that if you are looking for weekends, get whole weekends through Monday mornings. I failed to do that, and it really is disruptive to my sons to have to bring them back to xw's rather than bring them into school myself Monday morning. And she simply complains that they don't transition well. School can be a good buffer for that transition.

I would put together as much supporting documentation, children's doctor's appointments attended, events attended (soccer games, etc), any driving you have done to get them to play dates, lessons, school, putting them to sleep, what your pattern of parenting time has been when you were together - like were you mostly taking care of them on weekends or was wife engaged in child care then? Anything that can establish that you are an engaged dad, active in caring for children.

[ForMySon]

I can't wait for the court to have control and not her.

While we lived together we did everything together. She was very co-dependent. So if I wasn't at work, I had to be with her. That meant that I also had to be with my son. We shared very equally in the aspects of day to day care. We both gave him baths, we both read to him before bed, we both fed him dinner, and we both took him to the doctor. She mainly dropped him off at daycare, and I mostly picked him up from daycare. I was the one who took FMLA off to care for him when he was sick.

If I can get a temporary court order with a 2-2-3 schedule, I would be happy. I want my child to grow up around his mother (he needs to see and know for himself who she is, it will be a valuable life lesson). I want to get all drop-offs to happen at school, because I don't see a need for transfers between parents. The relationship was toxic beyond all belief, and I feel that it is better for Colin currently to not feel the tension that still lingers.

She keeps on about needing to have phone time with him at night. I want this from her as well, but I'm unsure of how to handle this. She will turn this into a way to sabotage my parenting time. I don't know how to have a NC relationship with her, and to have a nightly phone ritual with my son. Has anyone been successful with a toddler in this aspect. When he is older I understand, and I will supply him with a phone.

I'm going to talk to daycare today as well, and I want to see if I can get them to draft the letter that I asked for. The one where while she was denying me access, she was threatening daycare with legal action if they didn't stop me from seeing my son. This was while asking my stepfather to babysit for her. I need to sit down with my lawyer, and we need to discuss things. This will happen Tuesday. I will get the calendar put together though that is a great idea. I was just going to give a percentage. 5 days out of 90 is what I've gotten.

[flourdust]

Just remember that you NEED to document the positive as well as the negative. Here's how I envision a possible hearing going for you:

1. You say "My wife has denied me access to my son, and here's how she's done that."

2. She says "He's a bad father, is abusive, does not keep son safe. Here are my compelling, emotional stories of his bad parenting."

3. You say... .? This is where you need documentation that supports your parenting, not just documentation that criticizes her actions.

[GaGrl]

I like the visual idea of the calendar. It would be compellingly put all three months on a large poster.

You might want to have one poster showing the days you have had your son, then another showing days you can confirm your son was cared for by a babysitter or other family members.

Side by side, that would be a statement.

[takingandsending]

The phone thing ... .still working through that one myself.

1. I actually believe that having reassurance of their connection to parents, especially for really young kids, is important. I am curious, though - given how she has kept you from having your son overnight for three months - why is she pressing for the need for the phone contact? My T recommends the phone contact daily, structure it at same time/same length.
2. For me, it has been difficult to find a way to do this. I need to set a time and stick to it, but I find it hard to find one that is not disruptive to the kids.
3. Prepare for it being unequal. My xw states she receives so few calls (probably 10 in 25 days I have had kids) and conveniently forgets that I receive even less (2 in 33 days she has had kids). I think the suggested language is that each parent support reasonable access for one phone call per day, length to be decided by child.

[ForeverDad]

People with an acting-out Personality Disorder (pwUPD?) are to some extent controlling, uncooperative, obstructive — what courts do not want yet they are reluctant to take preemptive action, expecting the parenting to figure it out.  Well, a person with an acting-out PD won't get the expected insights.  So we do need to speak up about the history, use the past few months as an example that the other parent can't be trusted to be in charge of parenting.

Push for at least equal parenting time.  Try even if you don't get it, make sure the judge knows you are willing to step up to parent.  Try to get as much as possible "on the record" since it seems the system wants as little as possible filling the records.  If you can't get custody (the one who handles the major issues of doctors, school, religious instruction, etc) then at least push for Joint-with- (1) Decision Making or (2) Tie Breaker.  I don't know if they do that with temp orders.  Mine sure didn't, I twice got two temp orders where Mother was in total control and court never changed them, not for anything, no improvement until the Final Decree settlement became effective.  For that reason I wish my lawyer would have pushed for a clause stating mid-order changes could be made.  All he said was, "Keep quiet, we'll fix it later."  Yuck, later turned out to be two years later at the Final Decree.

Beware of common boilerplate that works for most other people.  Imagine how boilerplate such as "reasonable telephone contact" or "mutually agreed exchange locations" could be sabotaged with an obstinate ex.  What does Ex view as reasonable and reciprocal?  Ho can you mutually agree and have a decent outcome?

In summary, present information with suggested strategies for resolutions.  Be the problem solver, not the one with only complaints.  Yes, they'll want to move it along and 'fix things later' but maybe your response could be, ":)o you want a temp order that will work overall or do you want us back here over and over on roadblocks and obstructions?"

[ForMySon]

The phone thing ... .still working through that one myself.

3. Prepare for it being unequal. My xw states she receives so few calls (probably 10 in 25 days I have had kids) and conveniently forgets that I receive even less (2 in 33 days she has had kids). I think the suggested language is that each parent support reasonable access for one phone call per day, length to be decided by child.

That part highlighted in red is even scary. I can see as the child gets older the disruptive parent using guilt to get the child to stay on the phone for as long as possible. Employing the tactics we know so well. It isn't as if she's given me the time to maintain the bond with my child. (Imagine this dramatic example... .Saturday morning BPDex calls - manipulates child into staying on the phone ALL day, then it's time for him to go back to bed.)

I know that I need to work on getting as much time as possible. It's been my stance from the beginning, that we should do a 2-2-3 schedule. I did research on the topic, and it seemed like it contained the most benefit. I hope that the judge will agree. I've heard from a few people in my area that in order to move from 50/50 custody there has to be reasonable and actionable proof of harm to the child. I'm pretty sure this relates more to physical than emotional harm as emotional harm is much harder to prove (as we all well know).

If I knew how to mutually agree with her, and if we knew how to have decent outcomes, I probably wouldn't be fighting so hard to even see my child right now. I don't see how there will ever be a decent outcome in any of our dealings unless I give up everything. It's scary to think (and I really do believe this to be true) if she could get 100% custody,100% of my check for child support, and 100% of my friends and old life and she would still feel like she lost.

Thanks guys for the support! I want to learn from you guys so I can do what's right for my son!

[takingandsending]

It could go that way but idea is to prevent kid from having to spend 15 minutes with mom or dad if they don't want it. Also when they get older to have feeedom to speak longer. So maybe state for now, up to 15 minutes maximum? Don't know about your sons, but mine get bored on FaceTime after 5 minutes unless I pretend they are really poking my eye when they point a finger at the camera. 

[ForMySon]

Well, my lawyer's secretary called me today, and I filled the secretary in on my notes. She was mystified at what I was telling her. So hopefully my lawyer can put some good things together for me.

I also didn't want to pull in the history of mental health issues, but now I feel I have no choice. When I met my exBPD she was on two different medications for her mental health. She decided to stop taking these of her own volition. Since this most recent episode was right before me, I hope that it will have some sway in confirming that the mental illness that she presented with in her early 20s is still viable today. Will the courts even consider that there is a 10+ year track record of mental health issues with this woman?

I'm hoping that all of the things that I can pull together will save me from the emotional rhetoric that's about to happen.

[flourdust]

I also didn't want to pull in the history of mental health issues, but now I feel I have no choice. When I met my exBPD she was on two different medications for her mental health. She decided to stop taking these of her own volition. Since this most recent episode was right before me, I hope that it will have some sway in confirming that the mental illness that she presented with in her early 20s is still viable today. Will the courts even consider that there is a 10+ year track record of mental health issues with this woman?

Mental health issues alone do not preclude someone from being a parent. If you can document ineffective parenting behaviors, that can make a difference.

[ForMySon]

So today I received her response. She of course is asking for full custody. She is also asking for full child support. I knew this would be how this would go down so I'm not shocked.

I guess at this point the gloves come off. I refuse to stand idly by, and watch that happen. From this point forward I will do everything in my power to make sure he has the best life possible. Let's do this dance!

[david]

Do you have any documentation of time with your son prior to the last three months. If you can show that you were involved with your son prior to the three months then she would have to show a reason why there needs to be a drastic restriction.