Separated from my wife

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been married for 13 yrs to a person with paranoid personality disorder. She has manufactured events of abuse I have committed against me and got a temporary no contact order Against me. I want a separation agreement put in place, but she won't offer one except to go through the court system and wants me to pay for attorneys and tell her story of abuse to the world no matter what the cost.  After talking to others who have had similar experiences with her, I realize I have been the victim of this illness for years.

[Scotty5050]

I have been married for 13 yrs to a person with paranoid personality disorder. She has manufactured events of abuse I have committed against me and got a temporary no contact order Against me. I want a separation agreement put in place, but she won't offer one except to go through the court system and wants me to pay for attorneys and tell her story of abuse to the world no matter what the cost.  After talking to others who have had similar experiences with her, I realize I have been the victim of this illness for years.

[ForeverDad]

First, take some deep breaths.  Many of us here have "been there, done that" and, surprising to us, actually survived.

Do you have good legal representation?  Facing a No Contact order is not something you should take on by yourself and wing it.  Courts do not use everyday common sense, they follow decades of laws, case law, procedures and polices that won't make sense to you, a newbie in the judicial system.  If this case gets worse and is seen as having long term consequences you may also need a criminal attorney to advise and defend you.  Even if not needed right now, legal consultations are inexpensive and are generally very helpful.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but Legal Separation (LS) is not a solution in cases like ours.  The dysfunction is just too deep.  Am I right in guessing that she is refusing to participate in counseling or therapy?  If not seriously participating and progressing then the prognosis for her to get better long term is very poor.  Right now, considering your present reality after 13 years of you trying to make things better, I would say zero.  At best LS would be a stop-gap for the moment.  You may resist this outcome, but Divorce is most likely.  Even if you don't want to, it may have to happen to protect yourself.  You can choose to pursue your LS path but also keep your options open for D.

Do you share children?  Custody and parenting schedule issues are an added complication.  That said, D is still the usual result.  Especially if you have children, there should be psych evals for the court to get a grasp of the family dynamic.  The problem here is that she is the one that made allegations.  Court may be inclined only to order psych evals for the accused, you.  Can you ask the court that both spouses need psych evals, not just you?  Perhaps her PD (especially if not diagnosed) or the PD traits will be observed and reported to the court.

Ponder this too, if you state you want a Separation so later you can get back together, the professionals might see that as you wanting her back under your control, especially considering she's made allegations against you.  So be careful, even the nice things you say could be interpreted as bad things.

As for me, I survived a two year divorce.  Our son was nearly 4 years old when we entered the court system in 2005 and I started out as an alternate weekend dad, she got a standard mother's order.  We were in and out of court for 8 years.  Our last time in court I walked out with full custody and majority time.  I will tell you as I've sometimes mentioned here, she had most of the Borderline PD traits but all of the Paranoid PD traits.  And all that time court, lawyers, the Guardian ad Litem (GAL, lawyer for the children) and all others danced around and never diagnosed, named or suggested a specific diagnosis.  In the end, it was all about her behaviors over the extended period of time that she sabotaged herself.  She still can't see it.

And if you have children, understand that many courts will not connect her poor adult behaviors with you as impacting her parenting behaviors.  So if you have documentation to present on behalf of the children, try to give more focus to her poor parenting behaviors since that will be more helpful to the court.

As for who pays her legal expenses, you don't have to give in to her demands.  You can always say No and let the court rule one way or the other.

Does she currently work?  If not, one practical approach to confirm with your lawyer is that she needs to find employment or a career to support herself.  Her having outside work is a good thing, it shows you are not trying to isolate her from others as most real abusers do.  Of course don't let this be misconstrued as 'punishment' for filing, if she is to live outside a marriage then she should do her best to support herself.