Almost there now BPDstbxh sabotage? Waiting is so hard want it over.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Tonight I'm scared like I used to be when he was in raging part of the cycle, when he would storm out and I would be dreading his inevitable return and all-night raging. Total PTSD.

Been "separated" since Nov 16, but in March he returned to the house claiming its "half his" and he had no where else to go. We both agreed divorce after house sold and we have funds to pay the lawyers. We agree to split all 50/50. House sold and is in final stages of negotiation. Situation appeared precariously amicable until this week, when I informed him I found a place for me and the kids. I could see he was utterly shocked. I think shock at the fact that: a. I'm really going through with this b. I actually found a place on my own. It is causing him to disregulate.

We've been in separate bedrooms the whole time, and for the most part he has respected not entering my bedroom when I'm in it. Tonight he entered as I slept and woke me. (During marriage, He would wake me multiple times during the night often keeping me up all night. His preferred time to "discuss" serious matters was 2am) It really terrified me. He demanded details about the house I'm renting and that I sign a document saying we are separated as of May 1. I told him I would give him the address before we move, as we do have minor kids and he has a right to know. I told him No I won't sign anything as he is still in the house (my lawyer advised me not to give him anything indicating separation) I asked him to leave the room and he amped up threats telling me he won't release the sale of the house unless I comply. I remained relatively calm, asked him to leave the room. Had to ask 3 times, getting a bit upset by the last time. Then he texted me asked to "talk about things" and I texted back:"Tomorrow". I try to use BIFF but he scares me when he is in this state- I can see it amping up. I feel foggy, my heart is pounding, I am so scared.

Deep breath.

I hate he is in the house with me. This house sale HAS to happen so I am trying not to poke the bear. I am praying he doesn't delay house sale! I just want my money so I can leave

I have been under enormous stress for months. Selling the house was a nightmare. Finding a place to rent was a herculean feat- I had to borrow $$ for the deposit, and will have zero $ to live on until my payday next week. I hocked my grandmother's gold and probably won't be able to get it out in time. At one point today when the landlord didn't answer my email, I had a panic attack thinking she was reneging on our agreement. I emailed her 5 times. I hope she doesn't think I'm a loon! (She finally did reply, all is well)

So, just if anyone reads this and went through the fire and came out the other side, I'd love to hear your story. This is so hard- its really been a 5 year process- getting to the point where I am now- I never thought I would get here and sometimes I am so scared something will happen and I won't make it. I have to act all fine/positive/cheerful for my kids and at work, it is a huge effort when I just want to curl up and cry- my stomach is in knots all the time, I'm biting my nails to the quick... .BTW I was married 23 years.

Thanks for reading. Namaste.

[babyoctopus]

Tonight I'm scared like I used to be when he was in raging part of the cycle, when he would storm out and I would be dreading his inevitable return and all-night raging. Total PTSD.

Been "separated" since Nov 16, but in March he returned to the house claiming its "half his" and he had no where else to go. We both agreed divorce after house sold and we have funds to pay the lawyers. We agree to split all 50/50. House sold and is in final stages of negotiation. Situation appeared precariously amicable until this week, when I informed him I found a place for me and the kids. I could see he was utterly shocked. I think shock at the fact that: a. I'm really going through with this b. I actually found a place on my own. It is causing him to disregulate.

We've been in separate bedrooms the whole time, and for the most part he has respected not entering my bedroom when I'm in it. Tonight he entered as I slept and woke me. (During marriage, He would wake me multiple times during the night often keeping me up all night. His preferred time to "discuss" serious matters was 2am) It really terrified me. He demanded details about the house I'm renting and that I sign a document saying we are separated as of May 1. I told him I would give him the address before we move, as we do have minor kids and he has a right to know. I told him No I won't sign anything as he is still in the house (my lawyer advised me not to give him anything indicating separation) I asked him to leave the room and he amped up threats telling me he won't release the sale of the house unless I comply. I remained relatively calm, asked him to leave the room. Had to ask 3 times, getting a bit upset by the last time. Then he texted me asked to "talk about things" and I texted back:"Tomorrow". I try to use BIFF but he scares me when he is in this state- I can see it amping up. I feel foggy, my heart is pounding, I am so scared.

Deep breath.

I hate he is in the house with me. This house sale HAS to happen so I am trying not to poke the bear. I am praying he doesn't delay house sale! I just want my money so I can leave

I have been under enormous stress for months. Selling the house was a nightmare. Finding a place to rent was a herculean feat- I had to borrow $$ for the deposit, and will have zero $ to live on until my payday next week. I hocked my grandmother's gold and probably won't be able to get it out in time. At one point today when the landlord didn't answer my email, I had a panic attack thinking she was reneging on our agreement. I emailed her 5 times. I hope she doesn't think I'm a loon! (She finally did reply, all is well)

So, just if anyone reads this and went through the fire and came out the other side, I'd love to hear your story. This is so hard- its really been a 5 year process- getting to the point where I am now- I never thought I would get here and sometimes I am so scared something will happen and I won't make it. I have to act all fine/positive/cheerful for my kids and at work, it is a huge effort when I just want to curl up and cry- my stomach is in knots all the time, I'm biting my nails to the quick... .BTW I was married 23 years.

Thanks for reading. Namaste.

[Panda39]

Hi babyoctopus,

I hope things calmed down and you were able to get some sleep 

I've been there... .In my mind I decided to leave my marriage February 2009, told my husband I was done in May, put our townhouse on the market in May, my divorce was final in August.  This all happened during the housing bubble and our sale was a "short sale" which takes a minimum of 6 months to complete.  We finally had a buyer in September and closed on the house and moved out in March 2010.  So I had to do what you're doing for a year.  I always describe this period as a lesson in Patience.  It was hard, it was miserable but I was determined.

I was not married to someone with BPD (I'm on these boards because of my SO's uBPDxw) but was married to an alcoholic who was a not very nice drunk... .there was nothing more fun than coming home from work to drunk man trying to pick a fight 

I'm with you the stress was definitely there in my situation as well it was miserable and I didn't have BPD to contend with. He was drunk and rude when the realtors came to take pictures of the house, he told me he loved me (which was something I hadn't heard in years), he told me I smelled good (that was creepy), I was accused of being a lesbian and accused of sleeping with our local college football team!  He was completely irrational and then add the alcohol into the mix and everything was extra special.  Oh ya and by the way did you know I went to California to hook up with Robert Pattinson    Yep, this was during my Twilight phase... .naturally Robert (who's young enough to by my son) was just sitting in Hollywood waiting for me to show up! Good riddance Kristin Stewart, Panda 39 is on her way to take your man!   

Hang in there you can do this, you need to do this for you and your kids, I know it's hard, and in your situation even scarey.  My strategy was to try and take my son and get out of the house as much as I could... .long walks around the neighborhood, trips to the library, out to the movies etc.  I know that doesn't help with the raging husband in the middle of the night but try and give yourself a break from the stress when you can.  You might consider putting a lock on your bedroom door too until you can move out.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  That might be something you could do to help with your anxiety level, you might be able to get some coping skills that can make things a little more bearable.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[babyoctopus]

Hi Panda39
  Robert Pattinson!

Thank you so much for replying. I am so very grateful for this board and all the wonderful people on it. After a good cry I'm good to go.  I am very busy, I   my work, so that helps. I do have a lock for my door but he picks it open when he wants.

Wish me luck- gotta go face him downstairs. Everything's better in light of day.

Have a blessed day!
Namaste