How do I help my son with a BPD spouse?

[loveroses]

Hello! Thank you for adding me. I am so happy to have found this group. I am concerned for my son who's wife has BPD (diagnosed). They also have children. My DIL (daughter in law) has caused much discord in our family. I know that our son is struggling and I wonder about our grandchildren. Our DIL admits that she has BPD but will not go to therapy. I wonder about offering the "Eggshells" workbook to him but am concerned about recourse from my DIL. What do you think? Any ideas on what I can do to help?

[ArleighBurke]

If she's diagnosed - that's good.

You havn't mentioned it, but I would be super sure to make your support is about making their marriage better. Frame it as "SHE doesn't have BPD, YOU BOTH have BPD" - it's just another something that you both just have to deal with. So your support is to the family.

It may take a long time for him to come to grips with what her having BPD means. You should encourage him to do research - Stop Walking on Eggshells is an excellent book. So is "the High Conflict Couple" - although it is more directed at both partners. Overall, it is easy for him to believe her point of view - when she tells him again and again and again that he is selfish, or takes too much time for himself, or that he SHOULD do X for her - he will begin to believe her. How you help this I'm not sure - but keep him grounded- keep him aware that his desires are OK.

Also work with any grandkids - their mother may not validate and love them quite the right way - just ensure that the kids know they are loved, and make sure (in a good way) that you can explain mums behaviour. For my kids, the know that "mum has big emotions" and "mum often feel anxious about stuff". My 8yr old has said to me "I know mum is cranky because we having people coming over tomorrow"

I'm not sure couple therepy is good, individual therapy for your son would be good if possible. 

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. This is a very difficult situation. If I were to offer any advice- it would be to learn, study, read and do not speak until you fully understand what you are dealing with or possibly not at all- which may be the best thing to do.

Study the drama triangle- and see the potential roles you, your son, your DIL play on it. IMHO, pwBPD see themselves as victim. It is likely your son is a rescuer. If you step in as rescuer- to help your son, your DIL can take victim perspective from you as the persecutor. Your son will likely step in to "rescue" her from you. I don't mean to scare you but please do not underestimate your DIL's potential to put your son in the very difficult position of choosing you or his wife. He will choose her.

I experienced this from the perspective of an adult daughter of a BPD mother. I had just learned about BPD and I naively stepped in to "help" my father with my new found knowledge. My mother got angry at me, and my father then did that too. I only wanted to help, but this is how the "help" was perceived.

I learned later that he limited contact with his own family. My mother didn't like them.

This also led me to look at my own co-dependency issues and tendency to help and rescue too much and the result of that. These patterns tend to run in families and my father was co-dependent with my mother. The next piece of advice is to look at your own rescuing tendencies if you have them. It is natural as a mother to be protective of your son, but sometimes helping in another persons' relationship does not help the situation. Please do not blame yourself for any of this. These kinds of behaviors are considered "normal" in some families and so are behaviors and patterns we just learn growing up in them. When we work on them, it is to help us be more effective at caring about ourselves and family members in a supportive way.

Until you learn more about this, it may be best to lay low, be supportive, say nothing. After learning about this, and even considering some personal counseling for yourself on how to handle this - along with looking at any possible rescuing traits on your part, what course to take may be clearer. Of course, if you suspect that your son or grandchildren are in any danger, call authorities- 911, CPS.

[Panshekay]

I agree with Notwendy... .very difficult situation to be in, especially when there are Grandchildren involved. I would just stand back and observe. No matter what happens it's NEVER their fault. I was very very mindful, and very close to our son. I tried to be there for our DIL, I didn't know exactly what I was dealing  with at the time but I'm in the medical field so I did a lot of research. In the end she blamed me for a lot of her issues, any help I tried to get her she told anyone who would listen that I tricked her, she didn't need help. One time after the birth of my GS she was manic and suicidal, I feared for my S and SGD and the new baby.i stayed all night at their house. I had cancer at the time and was waiting to have surgery. She called and begged me to drive 45 min to be with her which I did.  The next day I convinced her to at least go to the ER which she did.  They ended up admitting her into the mental behavioral department. I went each day to visit her. In the end she turned it all around and said I tricked everyone into admitting her, didn't care about her, I just wanted her out of the picture.  She told people that I wanted to have a baby with my son, (vomit, who says that? Yes someone with a PD) and I wanted to be his wife!  It's been a living hell. Thankfully after alienating everyone from our son he saw the light.  He has been separated for 3+ years and trying to get a divorce. She has caused nothing but devastation for our son with false allegations and is alienating the kids from us. My advice is to read everything you can on the subject, stay close to your grandchildren and son, but from the sidelines. Keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. Sorry, but this is my reality of having a DIL with uBPD. Good luck.