I have a daughter who I believe has BPD - I need help

[LivWell]

When my daughter was born she cried terribly for the longest time. I could never put her down ,sleep or pay attention to my son with out there being an issue. She was in constant competition with her brother. when she got made( at a very young age) she would self punish. She would run into her room and slam the door.
As she got older she started binge eating and purging, cutting and burning her skin. She was a loner because ,"nobody likes me". She was in and out of therapists all of her life. I took her to therapists who specialize in eating disorders and for mental health. She was diagnosed with ADD and put on Concerta at 12 yrs old. She did well for a while and then when in High School got into drugs and our lives disintegrated.

She spent the next years stealing for her habit, getting in to trouble with all members of the family and eventually got in to a fight with me and was kicked out of the house.
she continued to use and her behavior quickly turned aggressive and abusive. I tried different forms of counseling , but nothing worked.

She ended up couch hopping for a few months with any friends she would make for short periods of time and then be asked to leave. it's as if everyone owes her something. She takes without asking, eats all the food in the house and throws it up,splits people against each other and more.

I love my daughter with all of my heart,but I don't like her behavior , I don't like the way she treats me ( the only one left who gives her the time of day) She threatens suicide regularly and has been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility 3 or 4 times, been to a 30 day eating disorder and mental health facility, sees a psych APRN bi weekly for med management and nothing appears to work.

I started reading stop walking on egg shells and could not believe how closely it portrayed my daughter. What do parents do? She cannot function as most people do in society, yet she is not considered "disabled". She has no friends and if she gets one they quickly disappear. She has tattooed and burned herself so that her arms and legs are permanently scared and she blames me for everything, her whole life. I love her brother more than her, I never gave her what he had, I am a terrible mother.

She is now 24, living with me and my boyfriend who allowed her to come and stay until she got a job under her. She drinks,smokes pot and is not compliant with her meds. She eats a weeks worth of groceries in one to two nights and throws it all up. The doors have to be locked to our bedroom so she won't steal us blind and I want her to leave,desperately! I need help, what do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Livwell

Welcome to the forum.  It sounds like you've had a very long journey with your adult daughter. I'm glad you found us and you've come to the right place.

... .living with me and my boyfriend who allowed her to come and stay until she got a job under her. She drinks,smokes pot and is not compliant with her meds. She eats a weeks worth of groceries in one to two nights and throws it all up. The doors have to be locked to our bedroom so she won't steal us blind and I want her to leave,desperately! I need help, what do I do?

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. Our DS returned home to us at 24 following a crisis so I totally understand; the realisation of his problems were difficult to handle.

I too was expecting my DS to get a job on his return. I decided to seek treatment for him. He was clearly severely depressed. I forced a couple of job applications but he didn't want them so the interviews were terrible. He refused to sign on for social benefits (job seekers alliance). He refused a new mental health scheme running in a nearby city and his GP declared him fit for work (he's a no nonsense doctor and has zero tolerance with substance abuse). He was stuck.

Faced with a wall, no way out for us as a family other than throwing him out to fend for himself I decided to change my approach.  I found this forum and read as much as I could about BPD. I don't know if you have but I really encourage you to do so again. Knowledge is power. I then got to work on my communication and validation skills with better boundaries and limits in my house. I started very slowly, one conversation at a time. 18 months on and my DS has really progressed and has just made his first appointment for treatment, he works, contributes financially to his living expenses  and our relationship is good.  All because I changed my approach.

This is my story. You have your own journey and your own decisions to make. There are no judgments here. You clearly love your daughter very much and it's just so painful to watch them suffer and frustrating that they aren't changing their situation.

You've said you want your daughter to leave and that's totally understandable.  You can put better boundaries and limits in place and we can help you with that.

Has your daughter got work experience and is she seeking work?
Is she in therapy?

Hugs

LP