Married and Lost

[Gardengoddess]

Hey ya'll, I am new here. I am a 40 year old female married to a 49 year old male. He was diagnosed last year with BPD after an episode of terrifying raging at me. The raging has happened intermittently over the past eight years that we have been together. He is prone to depression and anytime he gets depressed, the constant criticism, scorn and withdrawal of affection towards me is very hard to bear. It builds up, sometimes very quickly, until he erupts and emotionally pounds me into the ground. I try to mitigate it by talking to him about his depression and urging him to get help when I see signs it's getting bad again. Usually he responds very negatively at first, and then eventually tries something. He has tried medication, anger management, emotion regulation classes, meditation classes, therapy, and couples therapy. Usually something will help for a little while but then it just stops working and we are back to the same dynamic. His mood swings are so extreme and unpredictable.  I feel constantly attacked for just being alive, just existing and being who I am. We live at separate ends of the house and he completely controls how much contact and intimacy we have. If he feels like I am wanting affection from him, he accuses me of "poking him" or "pulling at him". Unless he feels like giving it back, then he welcomes my affection and wanting to be near him. He talks about wanting to crawl inside me and live there.

The worst thing recently is that he has been using psychedelic drugs on a regular basis and hiding it from me and lying about it. Like tripping on mushrooms several times in a week! So I am living with someone who is emotionally/mentally altered, who is also taking powerful drugs that change his thinking and behavior. It is too much. We fought about it and I hid his drugs, and he has agreed to not take psychedelics right now. He resents my controlling his drug use and it is likely that he is using other substances behind my back. He keeps saying he is not going to drink or smoke pot, but then a few days later he comes home with alcohol on his breath and glassy eyes.

I have my own issues. I have treatment-resistant PTSD from childhood trauma. I am so depressed and disheartened by this constant chaos in my life. I see a therapist regularly and she says that I am living in a domestic violence situation and that I will not be able to progress therapeutically until it changes. I am looking at my options because I no longer feel safe here. I've been going back to college to get my degree because I am living in a city where a degree is absolutely necessary to get a full-time job. I've had to be financially dependent on him because of my lack of degree. He has a Masters degree and a great career. Now my going back to school is his target of resistance. On the surface he is encouraging and helps me study, but then he flies into rages because of the cost and commitment. I am paying for it out of my pocket while working two part-time jobs and it is very difficult to do, and he is now insisting that I pay more towards our rent, which I can't do while going to school. I am an A student and will be highly employable when I am finished with my degree, due to working and volunteering extensively in the industry over the last few years. I think his real objection is that I am no longer paying as much attention to him. I have homework to do and exams to study for, and it bothers him that I'm not at his beck and call. He acts out by attacking me, and it is very distracting and disturbing to me, and I lose time that I could/should be spending on my schoolwork, jobs, and self-care. I could quit school to save our relationship (for a while), but then I am back to being financially dependent on him for the foreseeable future because I can only find entry level part time jobs without a degree. And that makes him furious too. So I can't win, no matter what I do, and it's tearing me apart.

On the surface everything looks fine. We are both activists in our community, knowledgeable and resourceful people. Our home is humble but beautiful. We lead full lives with lots of activities and interests. We had a beautiful unique wedding several years ago and lots of people have commented on our sweet romance. I miss the romance so much. I really thought I had found the love of my life, he swept me off my feet and seemed to be the living embodiment of the partner of my dreams. It turns out that that was just a fantasy. He talks about not knowing who he is. He said recently that I could have been anybody and he would have conformed to that standard for a while. This is so devastating to me. I love him, more than I've ever loved anyone, and I have tried everything I can think of. My love story is like a Stephen King novel, starting out in normal reality but twisting into some frightening, tense and bizarre alternate world. I alternate between wanting desperately to escape and wanting desperately to fix it. We talk things out and make agreements, often about extremely important life matters, that he later doesn't remember, or claims that I manipulated him into, and he just won't honor them. For instance, he has told me many times that he would support me while I go to school, and also told me he would pay for me to go to school. Now that I am doing it, he is furious about it! I'm applying for scholarships to help, and working too.

My husband is very high functioning, goes to work, pays the bills and takes out the garbage. It's our emotional life that is total chaos. Even when he is trying hard to repair our relationship, there is still the looming BPD behavior, splitting and demonizing me, freaking out over little things. He once accused me of not loving him because I didn't put the toilet paper roll on in the overhand way he likes. He refuses to go to DBT even though it is clinically proven to be effective. Last year he made all sorts of promises to change his behavior after his blowup that terrified me so much. He hasn't kept his promises. He refuses to accept the BPD diagnosis of last year. He says his current therapist does not agree that he has BPD depsite the recent diagnosis, and I can see why: he is very charming, intelligent, well-spoken, and thoughtful. All reasons I fell in love with him. But here at home I can see the other side of the mirror, the relentless quest to destroy and undermine my confidence while seeming to be on my side. It is an endless mind___.

So I am learning all I can about BPD. If our relationship could really change, I'd be willing to stay. I made a life commitment to him. We are good together, in the moments when it's not all twisted up. We have complementary values and skills. He have great adventures together. He is sexy, charming, funny, smart. I am so torn up, I don't know what to do. I am willing to change my own behavior if it will help. Today I read about validation and how important it is to a BPD (it's also necessary for me!) so I am going to try the techniques.

Thanks for reading.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome!
You have a lot going on. I know it can be hard to get it all out.  You may have looked at your post and thought to yourself "wow that sounds pretty bad!"
You are doing well if you are seeing a therapist, keep getting support.  You may have to shop around for a good therapist fit, but, it sounds like you might already have found one.  Other than that, I recognize some of the same feelings in your description that I had when I first really waking up to what I was doing in life.  I had to discover and learn about BPD in order for me to get to where I was okay with myself. I had been blamed and manipulated for so long it took a long time for me to break out.  Your feelings of confusion and fear are natural.  I think that things that are important to you are in question now.  It's _very hard_ to live with someone who has such pronounced good side and a bad side.

Most likely you have some things that you can work on to make yourself better, but, remember that your partner does too.  And it's up to him to get help and get better.  You are not to blame. Since it sounds like sometimes your safety may be at stake, you should get a little "bug-out" bag ready and know how to get to a local DV shelter.  Better safe than sorry.  It takes time to work all this out.

You've got lots of information available on the  bpdfamily site.

[ArleighBurke]

It's been a few weeks since your post - I hope you come back.

Unfortunately I would not hold hope that he will change. YOU are able to change - in that you may be able to learn skills to take better care of yourself and not take things to heart as much.

Is this enough to stay with him? That is yours to decide.

[Lalathegreat]

I related to a lot of what you wrote. There is nothing more painful than being frozen out and longing for the times when things were good.

I hope that you are able to find the support that you need here as you decide what to do moving forward.

[Gardengoddess]

It's been a few months since I first posted. Thanks to therapy, I am more aware than ever of how the past 8 years have affected me. In many ways, this relationship has changed me for the better. I have had to become more creative and resilient to cope with the devastating switching from my husband. Our marriage gave me health insurance for the first time in over a decade which helped me to heal enough from my own childhood abuse that I could see how unhealthy our relationship is. He also helped me financially so that I was able to pull out of the freefall I had been in since I lost everything in the economic recessions.

I am able to put things more in perspective. His rages may be directed at me and every barb aimed right at my heart, but it is more about his inner turmoil and the ways in which he is triggered than about me.

A couple of very positive changes are that I received a full-ride scholarship for the first part of my degree. This relieved a great deal of financial stress on our relationship. My husband's mood has lightened significantly since then, and he no longer is in "critical mode". He is smiling again and kind to me much of the time. He planned my 40th birthday party and went out of his way to help me with some business stuff. He has been genuinely showing me that he cares. But
he still blows up over even the tiniest thing, abuses drugs (but at least not psychedelics), and messes with my head by gaslighting.

The gaslighting is infuriating and terrifying because I don't know if he actually is misremembering due to mental illness or drugs or if he is just manipulating me.
He didnt actually shout during our last confrontation, but it was still one of the most painful I can remember because of the way he kept twisting reality to suit whatever point he was trying to make. It was about my not going out to the backyard to garden in the morning on a weekend so he could play drums in the house loudly... .he accused me of smothering him and not giving him the space that he needed to be creative. I reminded him that I had actually told him twice that day that I'd head outside when he was ready to play drums, and he looked surprised, like he honestly didn't remember that. I had just been working on a long homework assignment indoors.

Last week I was tired of seeing him drunk and high every day. He grows opium poppies in our garden, and when I saw that the poppy pods were going to be ready for him to harvest and use soon, I felt really angry. I pulled the pods off the plants and composted them. He only gets a small amount of opium from them, but it's just another thing that destabilizes our home, just another substance that he will use behind my back and then I have to cope with a mentally unstable man who is high on super-potent weed, scotch or beer, and opium as well. Well today he discovered the pods missing and is really really upset. He didn't rage at me, but he did tell me that he was going to divorce me if I continued to manage his drug use. I told him I would divorce him if HE didn't manage his drug use. Since I posted in February he claims he hasn't used any mushrooms, but he definitely uses marijuana and drinks and now has started smoking cigs again. His smoker's cough is back.

Following one of his rages 2 weeks ago, he agreed to "look into" DBT at my insistence. There are several options for DBT in our city, but he refuses to drive across town for the less expensive one, and the most expensive is $12K a year. They don't take insurance. Now that he has fulfilled his agreement to "look into" DBT, I doubt that he will follow through. And from reading on this website about getting a BPD loved on into therapy, it's unlikely to be effective if they feel forced into it. He really has to want to get well, but there's no incentive for him to do so except my insistence that he try.

This past year has been the hardest of our marriage. I have lost heart that we will last as a couple. Since I am in a position of dependency to this person I made a life commitment to, I am making my best effort to fix our marriage, but I also am trying to set up a safe situation for my next life transition - into being divorced and single. Sometimes I long for a future free of the constant chaos, but most of the time I feel terrified to be on my own. The loss of my partner is something I have been mourning for years now, and the loss of financial stability is super scary as I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Did I mention that we don't have kids? He promised me when we got engaged that he would have a child with me, but he changed his mind. Not the first time. Being a parent is one of my life dreams. I work with kids and I am good with them. I'd be a great parent. But he won't, and I have used up most of my fertile years with him. I know it's for the best, as it would be that much harder to disentangle myself from him if we'd had a child together. It's still a heavy loss for me. Every time I see a family together, I grieve. I recently shared my grief about being childless due to his decision. Later that night he blew up about something else, but I could tell it was really about what I had shared with him earlier. The next day when he had finally calmed down, he admitted that it was so. Unfortunately he had also used up a full day of our vacation raging at me about drugs (again). There's a theme here. Weekends, vacations and holidays are all fair game for his rages.

Mostly I feel exhausted.  I love to hang out with this guy. He is funny and smart, sexy and charming. We have a comfortable home together. We share a lot of interests. I am in school for another 3 years. Do I stay and stick out the turbulence, knowing that it won't end but may be a little smoother eventually? Do I go, and face certain economic chaos? I know no one can tell me one way or the other. And I do know now that I will need to go. Things are not going to change with my husband. The angry and abusive part is as much him as the kind and loving side. But how long can or should I stay is my question. His promise to support me while I get my degree is as empty as his other promises to me, but I hope for a better future for myself and need a degree to get there.

[kim2017]

Gardengoddess,

Do whatever you need to do to get your education so that you can be on your own financially. If its possible to leave and continue that path, do so. I was married for over 10 years. It takes a lot of courage to leave a marriage. All the fears will kick in but once you do, you will see that life as a free and independent woman is great.

Having a child with someone like what you have described will be very difficult. You have the chance to have a family with someone more stable. Its scary to leave but once you do, you will see that the world is open to you.

If there is any way to continue your education and leave sooner rather than later, I would jump on it. Remember that once you have completed your education and are employable, the likelihood of receiving spousal support may diminish. I am not a divorce attorney but something to think about.

I wish you the best of luck. I think you have such a bright future ahead of you.

[Gardengoddess]

kim2017, thanks for your comments. I appreciate the encouragement.

I think I have grown a lot in the last 8 years, but I am still full of fear about being on my own. It hasn't worked very well for me in the past. I have invested pretty heavily in this dream with this guy, and it's hard to let it all go. I would like to be a free and independent woman. I would like to be available for healthy relationships with new people. I would like to fall in love with someone healthy who is capable of following through on their promises, raising a family, and doing epic stuff together. I keep hoping that my husband is that person. I now understand that he played right into my fantasies, just inserted himself into them as the hero to my damsel in distress, and molded himself into my dream man. But since it was a fantasy, it shattered. My inability to let him go even in the face of terrible violent outbursts and of him telling and showing me so explosively who he really keeps me feeling stuck now. Looking back, I don't think I had either the emotional resources or the financial ones to make any other choice. He said that he would do it all with me, to live the dream I have been working toward for a decade, and I believed him. Except that part of me knew I was making a terrible choice. I was awake almost all night the night before we were married, sick with anxiety. I had the crushing realization that I was making a bad choice, and that it was too late to change it.   I know lots of people call off weddings at the last minute, but I just couldn't do it. So I threw myself into it instead and did what I could to make it work. It was beautiful for the first few months, when we were high on each other again and he sank into merging with me. Since then the focus of his rage is often the fantasy. He is furious when I ask him to be true to his promises. And the more I turn away and go inward, the more he chases me and baits me either with affection or conflict.
Can I be a free and independent woman? Can I let him go, and not allow him back in when he shows up with smiles and charm and smelling so good? Can I really make it work on my own? He is very controlling about money and he fully expects that if we split up, his financial support will abruptly end. I will have to endure his rage and resistance to any spousal support. I am afraid of his explosions. We went through it once before when we broke up prior to getting married, and the fight got violent. The choice then becomes, I move out, which is difficult for me on many levels. I have been working on it with my therapist and I just go in circles about how hard it is to move out. I know I need to, but I feel frozen about it, afraid to make the wrong choice and end up in another chaos spiral.