Deception was used to take a trip to see her sister

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Dysfunctional people use dysfunctional communication - including triangulation. As I mentioned, my husband talks regularly to his pastor and his parents about our marriage and tells them outright lies based on his 'feelings' at any given moment. Of course, they don't understand the dynamics of interacting with him, so they believe that he is telling them things that are factually accurate. He is more concerned about their perceptions of him than about me. His parents tell him to do things that have caused harm in our marriage - to get me under control. (more manipulation and guilting)

A one time lie or disobedience... .no.  A long term unrepentant pattern... .perhaps.  And... .really... .this church doesn't publish a "checklist" and they would not give a "blessing" to divorce.

Right, they wouldn't think that divorce is something that a "Christian" should do, unless there was an affair or something like that. And they wouldn't want to give "reasons" for divorce because that might make people think it was okay... . 

For a lot of people in destructive marriages, the church can create a situation where they stay much longer than they should because they are concerned about church discipline and ostracization. Part of their journey is to examine it for themselves.


Another question: What would the consequences of her continued contact with her sister be?

[empath]

Dysfunctional people use dysfunctional communication - including triangulation. As I mentioned, my husband talks regularly to his pastor and his parents about our marriage and tells them outright lies based on his 'feelings' at any given moment. Of course, they don't understand the dynamics of interacting with him, so they believe that he is telling them things that are factually accurate. He is more concerned about their perceptions of him than about me. His parents tell him to do things that have caused harm in our marriage - to get me under control. (more manipulation and guilting)

A one time lie or disobedience... .no.  A long term unrepentant pattern... .perhaps.  And... .really... .this church doesn't publish a "checklist" and they would not give a "blessing" to divorce.

Right, they wouldn't think that divorce is something that a "Christian" should do, unless there was an affair or something like that. And they wouldn't want to give "reasons" for divorce because that might make people think it was okay... . 

For a lot of people in destructive marriages, the church can create a situation where they stay much longer than they should because they are concerned about church discipline and ostracization. Part of their journey is to examine it for themselves.


Another question: What would the consequences of her continued contact with her sister be?

[formflier]

Another question: What would the consequences of her continued contact with her sister be?

Cross that bridge later... .but... .in general... .shine light on the disobedience and let her choose.

There is enough there that I won't look like a wacky crankpot for "forbidding" it...

Multiple pastors and counselors have listed
sister and sisters divorces
and
bad parental example

As primary reasons for the state of our marriage... or more particularly... .for FFw contribution to the state of our marriage.

She will either have to publicly "disobey" the rules of the church or follow them.

Note... this is not something I'm going to explain to her... .my job is to lead and protect my family with clarity... .she'll figure it out.

Much better for her to figure it out on her own... that for me to explain and threaten... etc etc.

FF

[formflier]

Empath,

If your hubby was faced with having to have "accurate" communications with people he has told his tales to... .or... .ceasing to tell the tales... .which do you think he would choose?

FF

[Verbena]

Your wife reminds me of my ex-husband in some ways.  He went to church three times a week (still does as far as I know) and was very big on his image there.  It was important to him that no one there know how he behaved with me in our marriage when they weren't looking. 

When he thought I was going to go the pastor and tell the truth, he got to them first and told them if I came to them with my lies about him, they shouldn't believe it.  I found all this out after the fact. 

Basically, he played the Christian game because it benefited him somehow.  Being called out on ANYTHING (because he never admits fault and I mean never) was unthinkable to him. 

Although your wife has demonstrated some ability to see her faults at times, I think your wife does the same thing as my ex did.   She likes the IDEA of being a Christian wife, but all bets are off when she needs to paint you black to her sister or your children, throw a fit over something, etc. 
 
No one can judge her relationship with God, but just from all the information you've given here her supposed faith and beliefs hardly ever match up with her actions and behaviors.  There is a huge disconnect, just like there is a disconnect with my ex. 

[formflier]

It was important to him that no one there know how he behaved with me in our marriage when they weren't looking. 


Basically, he played the Christian game because it benefited him somehow.  Being called out on ANYTHING (because he never admits fault and I mean never) was unthinkable to him. 

 
 
No one can judge her relationship with God, but just from all the information you've given here her supposed faith and beliefs hardly ever match up with her actions and behaviors. 

So... .I am aware of my wife's salvation story as a child.  I believe it to be genuine.  I believe she is saved. 

Unfortunately... .I believe her view of God is of one to be obeyed and "feared"... and used to "get" other people... .vice a source of love and grace.  Very... .very sad.

While I certainly "fear" God I also think of him in much the same way I think of my earthly father.  Perhaps it is better to use the word respect.  Certainly God has allowed or caused... whatever... .consequences in my life... .I see them all as "restorative" or "maturing".  I think my wife see's those types of things in her life as "punishment"

I certainly will listen to my P more on how she "designed" this strategy for my wife.

It's uncanny how P will stop me... .then tell me what my wife likely said... .and how she said it... .and I'll be like... ."wow... yeah... .pretty much spot on... "

FF

[empath]

Empath,

If your hubby was faced with having to have "accurate" communications with people he has told his tales to... .or... .ceasing to tell the tales... .which do you think he would choose?

We had a situation where he was given the choice. He continued to communicate with the people and tell me that he was "accurate," and when I bring up inaccuracies, he claims that they are accurate because that's what he feels. He also offered people more examples of how I'm "bad" also based on his "accurate" feelings.

The thing is that his understanding of reality is skewed by his feelings of abandonment and a need to feel like he is 'good.'