Is it common for a pwBPD to have trouble understanding social cues?

[bananas2]

I've often noticed my BPDh has trouble interpreting social cues.
He'll take comments or gestures as being negative when they aren't. If I say something nice, he will often think I'm being sarcastic when there is not a hint of sarcasm in my voice. Sometimes even the way I take a breath, he'll think I'm acting annoyed, when I'm simply breathing, or if I sigh bc of my chronic pain.
Adversely, he will sometimes think I'm happy or content when my body language & my actual language clearly indicates that I'm not. For example, if I'm sad or angry about something, he'll assume I want to have sex. I can't even imagine what would give him the idea that I'm in the mood when I'm so obviously not.
Is this misinterpretation/lack of recognition of social cues commonplace with pwBPD or is there something else going on here? Or maybe he is manipulating me or trying to create drama? I'm lost.

[Roma]

From what I'm learning about BPD and my own experience with my boyfriend (uBPD) I would say it seems to be very common. Sometimes my partner does pick up on me feeling a bit negative or annoyed, but trying to hide it ( as I don't want to trigger an episode), and that's almost always bad news, but just as often he will interpret quite neutral body language, or tiredness or illness as me being angry with him. I constantly have the experience of saying something that seems inconsequential to me, in a neutral tone of voice, only to be accused of being sarcastic, or trying to wind him up or putting him down. I have managed to get him to remember sometimes to check with me first - i.e. "When you said that it sounded like you were putting me down" - before blowing up and mostly this works as I can have a chance to reassure him of what I actually meant. This is great when it works, but not infallible. I'm learning to make an effort to be upfront verbally about how I'm feeling, as long as it doesn't even touch on JADE. Again, it doesn't always work, but sometimes will defuse the hyper vigilance that seems to be such a BPD hallmark.

I just found this great blog with lots of advice for loved ones -www.s h i tborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/post/118134854644/may-4 (I could only post the url with spaces between some of the letters, so just remove the spaces)
I have also found Quora a massive source of information and interaction, too. That was how I found my way here to such a great supportive website. I'm so grateful to the founders of these boards. Learning about this stuff is making a huge difference to me.

[Grey Kitty]

My initial experience in my marriage was that my wife was very sensitive to subtle/emotional cues, and I was (relatively) oblivious to them.

I later discovered two nuances that re-wrote much of this... .

1. The part I was most oblivious to was the emotional undercurrents of my wife's FOO, and that was because she was raised in the system, and knew all the dysfunctional roles everybody played in it, and most of it was unspoken... .and I was clearly stumbling around blind.

2. My wife was very sensitive to the moods of others; she consistently saw them before I did. But there was one fatal flaw--while she correctly assessed that there WAS something going on, in many cases she immediately jumped to the conclusions about WHAT those feelings/moods meant, and often came to a conclusion opposite what was really happening. (Due to her own feelings/moods/self-hatred/etc. shouting over what she might have noticed about somebody else)

So if he decides you are annoyed with him due to some tiny cue... .that really is all about his own feelings, which he cannot acknowledge, and he's projecting them onto you.

Happens all the time. And I really doubt he has a clue he's doing it either, which makes it that much harder for him to stop it.

[Tattered Heart]

My H definitely does not understand emotional cues. He frequently sees threats where there is no threat. He frequently accuses me of being sarcastic when I am being completely neutral. It's very confusing. I also notice that when watching television shows that give a non-verbal cue as to what is going on, he has no understanding of it. He will either ask me to explain what it meant or he will add some explanation that does not make any sense to the context of the movie.

I read a study several years ago that showed that people who are angry have difficulty interpreting the facial cues of others. They often interpret neutral or happy faces as angry. This inability intensifies when they were raised in a home with physical abuse.

Angry people also have less words to explain their emotions. The extent of their emotional context includes simple descriptions such as angry, sad, happy instead of nuances such as frustrated, stressed, hurt, lonely, joyful, elated, etc.

[flourdust]

My exW is social and quite extroverted. While she can be very sympathetic to people, where I see the impaired empathy is her difficulty in picking up cues that people are not experiencing the same emotions that she is.

For example, when out at a restaurant or social event, she'll strike up conversations with strangers -- such as interjecting herself into an adjacent table's conversation to talk about the food. While most people respond in a friendly manner to her overtures, she doesn't notice that this is an awkward thing to do that makes people uncomfortable. She feels like being gregarious and friendly and assumes that those around her feel the same.

And, yes, she picks up anger and other negative emotions in people where they don't exist.

[isilme]

He'll take comments or gestures as being negative when they aren't. If I say something nice, he will often think I'm being sarcastic when there is not a hint of sarcasm in my voice. Sometimes even the way I take a breath, he'll think I'm acting annoyed, when I'm simply breathing, or if I sigh bc of my chronic pain.

Yes.  He has determined the only reason I can sigh or make sad sounds or pain sound, ever, is because of him  I have to state over and over "I sighed because I was tired, thinking about things I need to do.  It has nothing to do with you." Or things to that effect.  I know I am invalidating at times, but I need to state that "It's not always all about you - I have thoughts and feelings that are not based on anything you are doing or are not doing." 

And yes, sometimes his interpretations of comments from others, the written word, and what is happening in movies and TV can sometimes just totally be off target.  I think they are so wound up in their own heads, they really have a hard time fathoming that other people are NOT in their head and are self-absorbed, too, and that we are all ships passing in the night with our own worries, concerns, joys and sadnesses, not an ant colony sharing some sort of shared consciousness. 

He thinks people are all focusing on him and judging him based on his own feelings of inadequacy, and I try to tell him - look, they may make note now and then, but really, in my experience people are NOT observant, and often have so much going on themselves they really don't notice or care about the minutia you focus so much on. 

[Tattered Heart]

And yes, sometimes his interpretations of comments from others, the written word, and what is happening in movies and TV can sometimes just totally be off target.  I think they are so wound up in their own heads, they really have a hard time fathoming that other people are NOT in their head and are self-absorbed, too, and that we are all ships passing in the night with our own worries, concerns, joys and sadnesses, not an ant colony sharing some sort of shared consciousness. 

Definitely. My H will often begin a conversation with me in the middle of the conversation he is having in his head. He really seems to thinkI can hear what he is thinking because he gets frustrated that I don't know what he is talking about.