I can't take it

[Cinsadmad]

I came here in hopes of hearing from some people dealing with similar situation. My ex husband has BPD and is constantly trying to control and manipulate me via email. I have blocked him from texting me and it continues to be a problem. He retired from education field and has since stopped paying child support and alimony. My kids are 16 and 18 and I really just wish they would grow up so I won't have to deal with him anymore. He emails things that he thinks are so kind and helpful and he baits me and baits me to say something in reaponse and I usually do because I can't take it. His emails, to some, would seem somewhat nebulous, but they are constant and he just breaks me down and. Teams me down. I was hoping to see on this some other folks that have the same problem and perhaps get some advice.
Thank you.

[GaGrl]

First things first... .how much is he in arrears on child support and alimony, and what have you done to compel payment?

[Cinsadmad]

He got us a moderator when we divorced and said trust him. I did. And yes, I k ow now, thatbwas a mistake.
He stopped paying. Cause I get some of his retirement and he said thatbit is equal sonhe doesnt. Red to Kay. It's been two years now.
That's. it the pet that gets me though, he just uses it to manipulate the kids. He will pay for things and say, "your mother won't pay but I will!" He is just constantly manipulating and I am trying my hardest to bite my tongue and. Or say anything to the kids. Not an easy task!

[flourdust]

Sorry to hear about this! One thing I've learned about breaking up and coparenting with pwBPD -- the conflict doesn't go away; it just shifts venues. He no longer has you in his daily life to abuse, so he's doing it through the kids, the finances, and the emails.

These are three separate but related problems.

Avoiding parental alienation with the kids is challenging. Your ex likes to disparage you to them and try to buy their love? You can ignore most of that. At 16 and 18, they're old enough to understand people manipulating them. Be authentic, and if the kids bring dad's accusations back to you, firmly and kindly deny them while not retaliating in kind.

The refusal to pay maintenance is a legal issue -- have your lawyer take care of it. If you don't have a lawyer, get one. Failure to pay support is serious, and there are legal remedies to compel payment. No matter what BS excuse he gives you.

As for the emails -- I deal with this sort of thing all the time. My ex likes to send me long prosecutorial emails -- accusations, demands, threats, false claims, the works. Unless you have a legal NEED to respond, I advise you ignore them. I skim my ex's emails to see if there's a question for me. And then I decide if it's a question I need to answer. If not, I ignore it. He wants to pull you in, to get you to engage and react, so he can have somewhere to project his negative emotions. Don't give him the satisfaction.

[david]

My ex used to send me 40 to 50 emails a month with all kinds of bs. I tried to set the record straight or explain myself. Eventually I realized I only need to discuss matters pertaining to our boys. I ignore all the other emails. I save them all just in case I need one for court.Learning what to and how to respond takes practice. Business like answers and no more than 3 to 5 sentences. With practice it gets easier. I now get about 5 to 10 emails a month so I consider that an improvement. If I get an email all over the place and there is one thing about the boys I will respond to that one thing and let the rest alone.