Still fighting the urge to make contact

[RomanticFool]

It's been nearly 9 weeks now with NC from me to my exBPD married lover  - apart from 2 instances where she messaged me and I replied. One was 5 weeks in when she said simply, 'Thinking of you' which then led to an exchange that was painful but really confirming my suspicion that she didn't really want to continue with the r/s. I asked her to leave me alone (ie respect the NC).

Then I heard from her last Saturday on my birthday with the brief message, 'HB x.' This led to me reminding her of the reasons I'd walked away (namely her assertion that her husband has discovered our affair and she couldn't see me anymore - but reminding her that I love her) and asking her once again to leave me alone.

For the first time since I went NC, I am having serious thoughts of messaging her. I miss her desperately. She never told me she wanted out of the r/s but she didn't stop me walking away either. I feel there is a very good chance she is having another dalliance with somebody else. I also still feel annoyed at her telling me that I am more suited to a double life than she is. I think the first message may actually have been a recycle attempt, which probably would have happened had I jumped through all her hoops. I don't know what the birthday message was. People have suggested on here that she just wanted to wish me a happy birthday, but I don't think that is the case. I have read on here from other people how birthdays are important to some pwBPD. I think she was using my birthday (and she knew I was in Vegas) to make sure I hadn't forgotten her.

This is without doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. I am effing crazy about this woman. When we were 'together' I would have done anything to be with her. Why did I inflict 9 weeks of emotional pain on myself?

1. Because my mental health had taken such a terrible battering at her hands.
2. Because I didn't believe her explanation about why she could no longer see me.
3. Because of years of ST.
4. Because I suspected she had other intrigues on the go.
5. Because she never gave me any hope that she was going to leave her husband.
6. Because she told me that she was going into rehab so we could have a future - and a year later she started distancing herself from me.
7. Because in the last few months of the r/s she disappeared for 3 days without texting (she was away for her birthday with her daughter) - then she disappeared for 4 days and blocked me on her phone - accusing me of posting a song on FB for somebody else, despite my constant declarations of love for her - finally she disappeared for 6 days when her husband allegedly had discovered our affair.
8. Because her texts were becoming evermore few and far between.
9. Because she treated me like an irritant rather than a lover.
10. Because I stopped trusting her.

Am I going to contact her now? No.

[Emotions]

Stay the course... .RF trust your instincts

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Emotions. It's so hard. I keep thinking, 'If only I could have one more night of passion with her.'

[Rayban]

RF

Hide the phone.  Give yourself some hours.  Enough to realize that nothing good could come out of breaking contact.  You're expecting or wishing that she gives you another shot. 

The truth is that you called out her behaviour, maybe given her every reason to believe that you are aware that she is disordered, but yet you still want her. She gets immense supply, as well as additional reason to paint you as the one who is disordered and move on to the next.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Rayban. That is exactly what I need to hear. I didn't contact her. Since I got back from Vegas the yearning has kicked in again. I am trying everything I know to stop it: distraction, exercise, work, prayer, meditation, talking to likeminded people. I had this yearning when I was with her, in fact I've had it my whole life. Sex and love are the only things that silence it. I have to find a better way.

[roberto516]

You got this brother! You did what I do. I list all the reasons not to, and at the end I don't want to reach out. The only reason I'd want to reach out is for my anger purposes. But I'm learning to control that again. Someone said you exposed her for her disorder. Which is what I did. Trust me on this one. Once we do that the game is over. They will hold onto that resentment forever. And maybe with good reason. I shouldn't have said that stuff. But in a way by doing it we have protected ourselves. Now we just have to battle our own will instead of having to resist them reaching out.

Keep sharing here. This helped me see, as always, that I'm not alone in this struggle. Just remember that you have just given your brain another example of responding to your cravings differently. Slowly but surely those neural connections are changing for all of us.

[Doughboy]

Please don't forget the ever popular ---- Pride & Self respect. These are very important reasons also and every day without contact makes me a better person.  I gain strength.

To be fair & honest though... .I throw in a little bit of pettiness and ego.  I want to know that if anyone contacts first it is her.  Maybe this is because she ended things and then shifted 80% of the blame to me by projecting.  Maybe this is because I see clearly now and she never will so it will affirm my thinking.  Maybe this is because part of me would want to, not actually do, take that 1st text or email and show it to her Mom before responding and say, "Remember all of the bad things she, and you, said about me?  Who is the one with the problem now?  If I was so obsessed and had mental issues why is she trying to rekindle?  :)o you now believe me that she needs help with all of these life long struggles?  How would YOU like me to respond?"

Not proud of it but it is what it is... .Not all motivations are Sunshine & Unicorn farts.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Roberto and Ox,

So much of my motivation is sexual but also because I miss the thrill of the build up to our meets. She is one sexy lady but because she is older than me, I kind of thought she would come running after me. I did very emphatically tell her I didn't believe her story about her husband discovering our affair. She never protested my points either. I think there was something else going on. Part of the pull is I'd like to know what she got up to outside of our relationship (if you can even call it that). I know that by walking away, I have made it more likely that another man is on the scene. I want her to miss me and realise that she fu*ked up majorly by turning her back on love.

Of course none of that is going to happen, because she would never admit to anything nor would she allow me to get the upper hand. I think my suspicions were spot on. She never let me walk away before and something was amiss. I know in another few months I won't care about any of it. The pain will slowly subside and then eventually dissipate into indifference. The thought of that makes me sad - we had such a powerful love. Well I did. I hate it when things just fizzle out like a damp squib. I know it has got to be this way for my mental health. I want her to see that she has turned her back on somebody who adored her. I'm not sure that realisation will ever hit her and even if it did - well she's married and her family is what matters to her. Not some lovelorn obsessive romantic nutjob who constantly attacks her personality and exposes her disorder.

I agree with you Roberto, she would never forgive that. I think she will stay away, though she has contactd me twice. I think my reaction and her response to it regarding her birthday message to me (she said, 'I apologise for ruining your day' means she will paint me black and stay away. I'm almost certain - almost.

[roberto516]

My two cents on the matter, for what it's worth, is that this is an addiction. I work in a field all too relevant to understand that this is what it is. I also know that something along a 12 step based approach does wonders for addiction and recovery. The first couple steps are all about accepting powerlessness, and finding ways to have the obsession lifted off of ourselves. I know romanticfool you have spoken about your own experience with 12 step programs.

This is not my place, only a thought, but perhaps all the other issues with affairs, marriage will come at your own step 4 of your healing where you take personal inventory? But right now you are trying to have the obsession lifted, and are battling that acceptance versus want. We can't get to out real recovery until we accept and allow it to be lifted from us.

I tried to jump the gun, and start really working on myself. But it wasn't working. I need to accept and surrender before I can dig inside myself, and work on those other areas of my life.  

[RomanticFool]

Roberto,

I feel no moral dilemma about the r/s with my exBPD. I feel no guilt or shame around it, on the contrary I am proud to have had such a wonderful love. My only regret is that she is not single or well. I got talked into a marriage by my wife, a woman who just wants the security of a roof over her head and somebody to care for her. She is not interested in sex or an emotional r/s.

I am going to move away from this forum for a while. It is traumatic enough dealing with the effects of a pwBPD without being judged in here. I don't refer to you Roberto, as you have been very helpful.

I have indeed done step 4 in AA and I continue to take a moral inventory of myself, but my affair with the exBPD does not trouble me from a moral standpoint as nobody was getting hurt except myself.

Take care all. I now have to deal with breaking my NC with the ex and it feels like I can't rely on this forum for help anymore.

[Emotions]

It's all good RF post again for support if you need, we are still here for you!

[RealizationBPD]

Hi RF. I think your inner voice is telling you what to do and what is right.  IMO, continue NC. I know you feel that balletomane is judging you, but I would say everyone on this board is judging, that's what humans do.  The difference is balletomane was trying to give it to you from the perspective of the spouse who has been cheated on and you can hear his pain.

I too am in balletomane's situation.  My wife--after years of BPD drama, has finally discarded me for a younger man.  This man seems to be oblivious to what she is and has fallen fully head over heels.  Part of me wants to warn him of what she is and what he is in for. However, the other part of me wants the inevitable to happen, to allow him to suffer what I have and am suffering.  I have the hindsight of knowing everything about her and what she is, because like you I have outed her for what she is.   

So I'm guessing that what is so alluring about her is that she makes you feel that you are so special in her eyes.  That no one understands her like you do, and you might feel vice-versa.  I bet there's never a dull moment and I bet the sex is the bomb.  Some of the craziest you every had.  Sorry if I am wrong, but based on a couple of things you said, I guessing this is the case.  This is the art of a BPD, this is what they do to get you to fall in love with them.  Because after all they really want love more than anything, however, they often start relationships based on idealization, not reality, and fear closeness as much as they want love. Where do you fit in to all of that?

So I leave you with these thoughts and questions.  She is married, based on that fact, what other conclusions can you come to?  Since she met you while cheating on her husband, if she left her husband finally, isn't it likely that one day you will be in her husband's shoes while she is out cheating with another man?  Will you ever trust her? Can you ever respect someone who doesn't have respect for the most sacred of institutions--marriage.  Could you ever marry her? Knowing that she doesn't take marriage vows seriously and they obviously mean nothing to her.  Also there is a husband somewhere.  How mentally stable is he?  You could ultimately be the object of his violent outrage, because you are sleeping with his wife, the one he vowed to be with until death do them part. 

IMO stay away from this women.  You are obviously having a moral dilemma and that in itself makes you a creature of higher order, as humans (at least some) have conscience and animals don't. Is she having this dilemma? Leave married women alone, you deserve a woman who has mutual respect for you and for marriage (without the crazy husband lucking around.)  Good luck!

[heartandwhole]

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