Self-hatred and shame

[chillamom]

Good morning,

I think I have just let 5 months of LC, good work with my T, and many sincere efforts at self education and self respect vanish into thin air.  I saw the exBPD/NPDbf yesterday after a solid 3 hours if his tears and begging (and quite a bit of yelling on my part) and spent the night with him. Agreed to try to be "friends".  Basically shot myself in the foot (actually the heart) and here I am again.  One time I stayed away 6 months, this time 5.  I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for being lonely. I hate myself for still loving him (bad Joan Jett song from decades ago).  I'm going to stop posting on this board for a while because I am a failure and a hypocrite. I do Not wish to improve me relationship, I am Not conflicted, I just tripped up badly and need time to figure out how the hell to proceed.  Maybe just being "friends" will work... .he has never "replaced" me, seems for the first time really sincerely regretful about things he did, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.  I hate myself and I'm sure the coming weeks will emphasize that over and over.  I'm not even going to try and direct my life anymore because apparently I'm incapable of sticking with any decision I make.  I loathe my weakness.  Hope everyone else trying to maintain sanity in their lives has a better day of dealing with things than me.

[patientandclear]

Chillamom--this isn't a board for people who are showing off how well they're doing! It's a board for support when people are struggling. Almost everyone here has made choices and decisions that could be questioned; indeed, I am here because even when I have good boundaries I question those. This stuff is hard. The dynamics in these relationships make clarity hard to achieve. And life is not black and white.

I hope you'll feel free to explore your feelings here.

There is nothing wrong with actually being friends if you have decided not to resume a romance and can hold that line and behave accordingly. It sounds as though last night was more murky though. When you say he has not replaced you, that suggests it would matter if he had, which is not a "friend" analysis.

Lack of clarity and intermittent reinforcement of a chance at something else is a good way to ensure he will keep trying. So it seems important to try to really distill what it is you actually want and then behave accordingly.

 

[CorsaG19]

Chillamom... .your already so much stronger than i am. First it was 4 days NC. Then 5. Then 7. Now im at square 1 and just hit my 24 hours NC!

To go 4/5 months is something i dream of! I will post on here about how good i feel and how clear i can see... .then a few days later i will be doing a post about how weak i was and how i failed. Most of us are in the same boat. There's no judgement.

Always feel free to say how you feel on here. Someone is always listening and lending a sympathetic ear. The advice i have received has been the most helpful

[RomanticFool]

Chillamom,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human. You miss him and you are lonely. To me it's the most natural thing in the world to recycle.

I've had 9 weeks of LC with my ex. I would say NC but she has contacted me 3 times now. I heard from her last night to see if I was alright in the wake of the London terror attacks. I thanked her but brought up all the reasons why I walked away and she accused me of being savage for walking away. Today I am in turmoil and seriously thinking about recycle her. Today I have blocked her, unblocked her, told her I love her, told her to keep away, told her to tell me she loves me. Yet because she has made contact I feel better than i have for the last 9 weeks. That is what we are dealing with. I even had somebody on this forum yesterday tell me it was all in my head and I was pathologising her due to my own failings. However, when i tried to discuss things with her this morning she said she was going. Loving a BPD is a curse that I for one cannot shake off yet.

Be good to yourself. Whatever you choose to do is because you are addicted to him and you feel better, despite the abuse. We all know NC is the answer but life is messier than that.

[Rayban]

CM

If you decide to be friends, then get the resources needed to be friends with your BPDex.

I think you're better off on the saving a relationship board.

[roberto516]

To reiterate what someone else said. I'm at 10 days. 4/5 months is something I can only dream of. Especially if we were in cintact and she W's begging me.

Could you imagine it reverse? Me begging and pleading for months. Accepting her back to do everything for her to be tossed again. Then helping her a few more times after that. You're much stronger than I am. Than many of us.

But I agree. If you want to try to be friends you could check out the other board.when someone in AA relapses they shouldn't disappear. They have to stay closer to their supports. Chin up!

My boss told me something relevant which I agree with. I told her I hoped my ex would move on to someone else so I could be in peace finally. She said as much as it would suck I'm too nice and caring to ever be the one to do it. You're a good person. Like my dad said after I spilled my heart out. "Roberto I'd rather have you as a kind caring human being than what she is."

[Larmoyant]

Chillamom, please don’t be so hard on yourself   . It is extremely difficult breaking away from a pwBPD. As you know it took me well over a year and if I’m honest I’m still not completely in the clear. There are days when I still miss him terribly and if he should call me I might still consider meeting up with him. That thought is terrifying to say the least, but it’s the truth. Those trauma bonds like yours are hard to break. If you are going to be friends then work out what that is going to entail, but do it from a centred place, or at least as centred as you can be. Use what you now know about BPD, and if you haven’t already, learn about the tools and strategies on here. They will help you. Above all put yourself first, protect yourself, and have good strong boundaries. Stick around Chill. As PC says continue to explore your feelings. We’ll be here to listen and help if you need us .

[lovenature]

Hi chillamom

You are NOT a failure or a hypocrite, you are human like the rest of us who have broken NC and had to start over again, we are here to support each other. Having compassion and kindness are not what you should feel hatred and shame over, be proud of yourself for having those qualities, just try to give yourself more compassion.

NC is recommended so much on here because it truly does work, we need the time away from the craziness to "normalize" again. Trying to be friends, allowing any contact at all keeps us in the FOG; our minds and especially our hearts don't forget what happened. With enough education and time out we can fully detach, then decide if any contact is best for us.