She's involving our oldest in her accusations of me - advice

[40days_in_desert]

I can handle the wild theories that she comes up about me but tonight my stbxBPDw crossed another line. Our oldest D15 lives with me full time but stays with her mom when I'm out of town for work which is usually 1-2 nights a week about three weeks out of the month. I am out of town tonight and I called D15 to see how she is doing and to say goodnight to my four youngest as I regularly do when I am traveling. D15 seemed depressed and I asked her what was going on. She said that she is "mom won't stop saying bad things about you, dad." I told D15 that I'm sorry that she had to be involved like that and that I'd probably be sad too if I heard negative things about my one of my parents. I didn't ask what was said because I don't involve our children but she shared anyway. Her mother told her that she knows that I am sitting on a pile of money and that I refuse to give her any. I'm not; I wish I was. Ex also told D15, "you just don't know who your father really is but one day you'll see."
I have no need or desire to confront ex for my sake. I have long ago gotten to a place of understanding that she does not need to believe the truth for it to be true. My question is advice on whether I should confront ex about her saying things like this to our children. Even if it were true, she shouldn't be involving our children. It is causing a wider divide between ex and D15 but that's her own doing. My concern is exposing the children to the lies about their father. No attempts to set the record straight with her about what money I do or don't have. It's about her refraining from involving our children. I do have everything recorded in journals (13 journals over two plus years) and have every text and email saved on computer, cloud and one other place. Should I confront her even if it is just "for the record"?

[Panda39]

I would not confront mom, validate your daughter which you did and tell her next time (because unfortunately we all know there will be a next time  ) to tell her mom that if she has issues with you that she should contact you directly. (Mom, I don't know anything about dad's finances if you have a question you should talk to him)  Takes your daughter out of the drama triangle... .out of the middle of the two of you.  If your ex is like my SO's uBPDxw you will 9 times out of 10 never hear from her. 

Panda39

[40days_in_desert]

Thanks Panda39. That's what my gut tells me but it's good to hear confirmation from others that have gone/going through similar situations. I'll be sure to add the "next time" part of the conversation with my daughter when I get back home tonight.

[GaGrl]

This may also be an opportunity to start talking with your D15 about boundaries, in that she can decide what she will do when confronted with her mother crossing a boundary of talking negatively about her dad.

[david]

My ex still says things like ," you don't know the real monster your dad is". Ex is actually pushing our boys away because of the things she says and does. I never communicated to ex what she is doing because it would not fix anything and only make things worse for our boys when they are with her. I also have SS's,  her boys from her first marriage, and she has pretty much alienated them with her bs. She has a narrative that pushes everyone away eventually. In order for that to correct she would first have to acknowledge it to herself. Unlikely. After that she would need therapy and that would take years. Again, unlikely.

[40days_in_desert]

david - I get it and I'm in the same boat. My ex doesn't have the ability to see that she is doing the same thing to our daughters that she feels that others do to her - saying that their reality isn't real. It's is interesting how strong her feelings=facts belief is that she will say some of the things that she does without evidence. I know this because the evidence doesn't exist. When D15 explains to her mom why she isn't as close to her, she replies with statements like "you feel that way because your father says bad things about me." I don't and because of this, it pushes D15 further away and erodes even more trust. I see it happening with my other children too. I fortunately have an awesome relationship with all of my children and am very engaged so over time, they see that their interactions and relationships with me don't match what their mother says about me. I pray that you have and keep the same relationship with your boys. They need you and the consistency you provide as their father.

[Sunfl0wer]

I like how you managed to not draw her into a drama triangle.

Best responses I have seen around here are:
"Why do you think your mom would say that kind of thing?"
Then help her process what she comes up with, validating where feasible, and listening a whole lot.

Kinda redirects the whole thing as an issue between mom and her. 
Also kinda takes focus off your behavior and helps D question mom's purpose and role in this helping her see the behavior vs being distracted and caught up by the words.
Also helps her to question mom in her mind when confronted with inappropriate sharing by mom.

[david]

You talked about eroding trust. I found with our two boys that trust was extremely important. They knew they could come to me and I wouldn't do something completely unexpected. I was stable and trustworthy. When my ex first ran away she tried alienating them. Eventually they saw with their own eyes what mom was saying about me and how I actually was with them contradicted. I also have SS's, her kids from her first marriage, and I have a great relationship with them.  Just recently she seriously strained her relationship with one of them and I think it may be for good. I will probably be told about the specifics at some point but I let things work themselves out between their mom and them.
It used to bother me a lot since it is not what I want for any of them. I came to accept things as they are and realized I couldn't fix it.

[40days_in_desert]

I agree... .I meant to say that trust is being eroded between ex and D15 and D13 by her words and actions. Thanks for the feedback david.

[david]

I got what you said about trust between ex and the kids.