How long does "good behavior" last?

[chillamom]

Hi, all,

For those of you who have been charmed back into a recycle, how long did it typically take before your partner began to display all the lovely behaviors that had been present in your previous relationship?  In my case, I am still in detachment mode but seeing diagnosed BPD/NPDex once a week or so, and of course we are on 4 days of relative "normalcy" (on the phone).  He is NOT in any type of regular therapy, unmedicated, and refuses to consider consistent therapy and/or medication.  My personal opinion is that it won't take long for the person I remember to return; what has been your experience?

[roberto516]

The recycle was about a month give or take. Actually, nothing changed. She didn't do one thing for me aside from make love to me once. And that was basically as a way to repay me for being so nice, attentive, and understanding to her. The week before the discard she got really distant. I texted her one night and asked her why she has become cold all of a sudden and if there is anything she wants to talk about she can be honest with me (I knew the discard was coming from my time here, and wanted to try and speak to her about it to calm the fears she was having). She responded with anger saying she didn't want to talk to me right now. She did apologize right after. Then I asked on Friday if she wanted to spend time together. She said she didn't. I respected that and told her so. She then asked if we could hang out Saturday. I said I wanted to respect her initial decision, and that I know this will take time and I will wait patiently for her to really feel that she wants to spend time with me instead of something out of obligation. Well, unbeknownst to me, that started the abandonment fear again probably.

Saturday she asked what I was doing. Told her I had gone to the art museum and then was watching soccer. No response. 6 hours later she says she was napping and then tells me she doesn't want to be in a relationship. I tell her fine, and that I can't have her in my life if this is what's going to happen. Next day she asks if we can try again. I say "yes" and then immediately she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship because she's not well mentally. I swear that last one was just for her to gain the upper hand again, and be in control.

So for me, it only took 3 weeks. The first two weeks she said she loved me, and I was the best. She sent me emails about trips we could go on. She asked me to do her homework, and if I could get her some books, etc. Just my experience. it didn't last long at all. Actually, nothing had changed. I came back to take care of her, and she gave nothing in return like always.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Hi, all,
how long did it typically take before your partner began to display all the lovely behaviors that had been present in your previous relationship?

Until I wasn't perfectly willing to serve his every need and wish... .  Usually less than a week before the cracks started showing and within 3-4 weeks it was full blown again.

[Karmajoy]

2 weeks of good behavior and then back to normal

[JQ]

Hi Chillamom,

as you can see already from the 3-4 responses it differs with everyone pwBPD. There is no set time frame ... .it's one of the things I associate with "Flying Monkey's" reference from Wizard of Oz.  It makes absolutely no since, no logical thought process can or would figure it out.  With my stepmom, stepsister, 1/2 brother and a gf or two with BPD it differs from each one.

My stepmom could take 2 days to 2 months depending on her deregulation and continued abuse of pharmaceuticals and or other "recreational meds" ... .same with 1/2 sister.  I have the theme music of the "Flying Monkey's" as step moms ring tone so I know not to break my neck answering her call. Remember a pwBPD needs to feel like their in control of the relationship so it depends on if they have someone else to feed their need and if they feel they have the upper hand over you. My stepmom "forgot" my birthday now 2 yrs in a row ... .it's her attempt in trying to control, manipulate me into coming back into her good graces.  Remember your BPD terminology, like Triangulation, Projection, Devaluation, Mirroring, Splitting, Emotional & Physical abuse ... .  ummm nope that's not going to happen.

Gf/BPD was so sporadic it was hard to anticipate. As hopinandpraying pointed out, "Until I wasn't perfectly willing to serve his every need and wish... .".   It is similar for most if not all in the group here as it is ... .as it WAS for me.  Until I stopped begging her not to leave, to bow to her wishes, to have her use me to the extent she wanted ... .she would play the game.  It wan't until many hours of therapy, self evaluation, looking at my childhood & the house I grew up in AND finally learning that I was repeating history with my stepmother I finally learned that it was time for me to put an end to things.

I went NC with my BPD stepmother, step sister, 1/2 brother and any ex gf with BPD ... .& from that moment I have led a pretty decent life ... .no longer consumed with if they're going to call and what will I being dealing with when I answer the phone. NO longer will I wait by the phone and wait for gfwBPD to ask to come over in an attempt to further manipulate me into her way of thinking. NO LONGER will I have to deal with trying to put ALL THEIR FREAKING FLYING MONKEY'S BACK IN THEIR RESPECTIVE CAGES.   

Once I let go, once I decided for my own mental health, physical health & overall well being did my life become my own again. I am sleeping once again ... .normal hours. I have lost 30 plus pounds & I'm in a good place in my life once again.  The toxic r/s that I allowed to bring into my life are gone ... .BPD is like a cancer slowly eating at your insides day after day, month after month, year after year until you are a shell of what you once were ... .the cure ... .DISTANCE - NO CONTACT - SELF PRESERVATION !

The 3 "C's" rule of a NON that is trying to or has exited a BPDr/s is: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it."

No one can cure it ... .the significant mentally ill defect of a Cluster B Mental Illness is currently beyond modern medicine, surgery & pharma ... . 

J

[CloseToFreedom]

The recycle was about a month give or take. Actually, nothing changed. She didn't do one thing for me aside from make love to me once. And that was basically as a way to repay me for being so nice, attentive, and understanding to her. The week before the discard she got really distant. I texted her one night and asked her why she has become cold all of a sudden and if there is anything she wants to talk about she can be honest with me (I knew the discard was coming from my time here, and wanted to try and speak to her about it to calm the fears she was having). She responded with anger saying she didn't want to talk to me right now. She did apologize right after. Then I asked on Friday if she wanted to spend time together. She said she didn't. I respected that and told her so. She then asked if we could hang out Saturday. I said I wanted to respect her initial decision, and that I know this will take time and I will wait patiently for her to really feel that she wants to spend time with me instead of something out of obligation. Well, unbeknownst to me, that started the abandonment fear again probably.

Saturday she asked what I was doing. Told her I had gone to the art museum and then was watching soccer. No response. 6 hours later she says she was napping and then tells me she doesn't want to be in a relationship. I tell her fine, and that I can't have her in my life if this is what's going to happen. Next day she asks if we can try again. I say "yes" and then immediately she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship because she's not well mentally. I swear that last one was just for her to gain the upper hand again, and be in control.

So for me, it only took 3 weeks. The first two weeks she said she loved me, and I was the best. She sent me emails about trips we could go on. She asked me to do her homework, and if I could get her some books, etc. Just my experience. it didn't last long at all. Actually, nothing had changed. I came back to take care of her, and she gave nothing in return like always.

This post (and other posts) sound so familiar its creepy. After a five year on and off relationship and two years seperated I finally allowed her back in my life earlier this year after she dumped the replacement she was living with. She tries more times in the past 2 years but I wouldnt bite because she wasn't single.

Anyway, wih the recycle earlier this year, I think it was 2-3 weeks of good behaviour with a few times sex, which felt like you said as payment for me trying to make her happy, taking her out to dinner, hearing her constant stories about how awful her recent ex was. Then in the fourth week she reconnected with her bff (and only friend) that she had splitted black the past couple of months. Suddenly the texts became more distant and far in between, she went from wanting to see me 5 times a week to 1 or 2, almost no sleeping over anymore and no sex (suddenly claiming she felt used for sex in the previous relationship - even though that wasn't an issue in the first weeks).

I called her out on it in the most careful ways possible but she spun it like I was trying to control her. Suddenly I was suffocating her, she talked about how dudes would try to hit on her and even talked about how she wasnt sure if people were made for monogamy - even though she used to find that extremely important. The writing was on the wall and it made me flip out, which gave her a neat excuse to split me black and dissapear from my life again, with 6 weeks of no contact up until now. It wouldnt have mattered what I did and said, she would have found a way to get rid of me anyway.

[chillamom]

Hi,

I appreciate you sharing your stories with me, and it sounds like very similar experiences to what I have encountered in previous threads I was looking through.  I think I knew the answer already, I mean in my OWN experience, every time I took him back he was quite kind and "sensible" for maybe a month or so, and then the old accusations, interrogations, and verbal/emotional abuse would set it.  It's a difficult situation for me, because I agreed to see him because he twisted my arm for 5 months with guilt and pity, so I KNOW nothing has changed in the relationship dynamic and it is doomed.  I hope I can maintain my emotional detachment and still be his "friend" while he needs to, although I realize I am setting up a loaded situation that will hurt both of us.  in the 5 months apart after I broke up with him, he never looked for a replacement and basically badgered me day and night about getting back together, mostly pleading with me to "help him" because he was unemployed and alone.  There are so many deal breakers in the situation that it can never be a "real" relationship.

My hope is that I have set the boundaries high enough that he will tire of them, and leave ME once he does.

Thanks for your perspectives, and Dear Lord, I pray that we can all get to a place of peace and healing SOON.

[StayStrongNow]

The door for any recycle with my uxBPDw has been slammed shut for good for I will never fall for the "charm" and "very convincing" ways as a T put it, ever again. Once a BPD always a BPD. That being said it took much shorter than a month for the re-devaluation and re-discard to happen all over again. Her trigger was any sort of stress that would throw her emotions into outward agression. My foolish attempts at recycling would end up in a matter of days with her physical abuse twice in front of my three children. Despite her being hauled into jail and charged with domestic battery two other times after that horrible event I tried "reconciliation" but she did it again, another time she punched me and emptied the contents of the glove box, threw the gps at my head and grabbed the wheel while we were traveling on the expressway and the kids were in the back. I could have had her arrested for attempted vehicular manslaughter, a felony but I thought my kids have been through so much already.

A pwBPD cannot handle seemingly the slightest emotional trauma and if they get what they want from you to satisfy their needs it can be relative calm. The second there is a bump in the road their true BPD ways come out.

[lovenature]

Without the PWBPD committing to years of therapy, the cycle ALWAYS repeats.

NC is so vital for detachment because we need time away from the craziness to get out of the FOG.