Lying

[Cowan]

my daughter tells stories about things that never happened ... .she tries to make her life sound as if she had no help or support and was thrown out of the house at 18, when in truth she went to college with no loans,  and then bought her a car when she graduated.  She recently told her counselor that my husband "went crazy" because she wouldn't do a favor for him.  In truth he asked her to pick up something for him and she refused, so he calmly said, "I guess I will hold off on your plumbing situation."  She went into a rage at me because I asked her to clear up dishes, but told her counselor that I go nuts if I don!t get my way.  She makes us sound abusive, but she is the one.  I do not like to be around her without a witness.  Anyway to hold her accountable? 
We hate being around her ...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

I can relate to the lying.   My 18yo daughter has lied to us since the primary grades.  She often changes the story about what happens in a situation to make it seem like someone else is to blame. 

The more I learn about BPD, the more I'm starting to realize that this may actually be perception vs reality.  My daughter doesn't see things the way we do.  She has difficulty accepting blame, since that would mean she was wrong about something.  That could lead to someone being mad at her... .which would mean they might abandon her... .

Knowing this doesn't make it easier though.  Trust is a key element of a relationship for me.  Not being able to fully trust someone I love is painful.  I'm hoping that as she progresses further in therapy, her need to lie will lessen. 

Anyone else have any insights? 

[Lollypop]

Hi Cowan

I know that feeling of not wanting to be even in the same room as my DS. I get that. I'd go one step even further, I'd reached a point where I couldn't say one good thing about my DS; I could see nothing but bad news, not one redeeming feature. It's just horrible and I feel for you.

See that I used "I" a lot?  Change had to start with me. My DS really didn't want to be with me either and he found it just as stressful as I did.

I had the choice of staying in permanent "animosity" mode or change my own approach. I preferred to move on emotionally for myself as I deserve happiness.

For me, I found that once I started to focus on our core relationship things got slowly better. I kept things as simple as possible and didn't muddy the waters with bargaining of any kind. This meant that I didn't enter into "you do this" then "I'll do that". My DS gets confused emotionally. Basically, I took my foot off that gas pedal and just started to spend whatever time we had together with a smile on my face, light as a fairy talking about trivia. No deals, no expectations, no questions, no judgment. My life got better.

It takes work to create a relaxed and loving, supportive atmosphere. At least this way, there's a reward in myself. Funny thing is, my DS warmed up on the way. We're in a good place now together.

I leave my DS's life to him and that includes his skewed thinking. I get on with mine. He's not in control of his behaviour as he has mental health problems. He needs effective support from me.

I encourage you to read about BPD. The more you learn, the less you'll react.

How often do you see your daughter?

LP