Anyone else feel guilty?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I've finally met an amazing woman. But I often find myself feeling guilty. Whenever I think of my xBPDw, I not only feel guilty, but I even feel sad for her. I feel like I am abandoning her by being with a new woman.

Sometimes I fear I will never be able to get her out of my mind.

I don't understand why I feel sad/guilty for being in a sane relationship.

Anyone understand this?

[cupidsdead]

So, I've finally met an amazing woman. But I often find myself feeling guilty. Whenever I think of my xBPDw, I not only feel guilty, but I even feel sad for her. I feel like I am abandoning her by being with a new woman.

Sometimes I fear I will never be able to get her out of my mind.

I don't understand why I feel sad/guilty for being in a sane relationship.

Anyone understand this?

[vaztek2003]

I have honestly cancelled dates because of this guilt. My "Quiet" BPD ex never gave me closure and just used the Silent treatment, I basically told her she could help me move on but she denied me of that piece of mind at the time. Due to that I met a girl about a month after the breakup that really seemed into me and wanted to go out on a date and I cancelled last minute and then cancelled the rescheduled date... .I figured I was just still in the FOG of it all. Now while I am still detaching, I just think that my ex has no problems moving forward with her lovelife, though she told me she wasnt looking for a romantic relationship when she broke up with me, but Im sure she has found herself another prey.

[cupidsdead]

I hear you vaztek2003!

I think the problem with me is that I wanted to prove to her that I would never leave her. She once asked me to promise her I would never leave her. I vowed to never leave her.

[IsThisThingOn]

I hear you vaztek2003!

I think the problem with me is that I wanted to prove to her that I would never leave her. She once asked me to promise her I would never leave her. I vowed to never leave her.

I understand this vow all too well. But keep in mind, just as I have to keep reminding myself over that same vow, SHE left ME and she's having quite a go of it with currently 3 different replacements. I realize I am far too damaged currently to get involved with anyone. I did meet someone who I truly enjoy talking to and was a positive in all the negatives this situation brings... .but in the end I decided I needed to be fair to her and let her know I just wasn't in a position to be anything to anyone.

I need to focus on myself. This is still all too fresh and still very much so alive and kicking considering my exwBPD/NPD just sent me rude emails yesterday. I realized when I replied and broke NC (however short it had been... still the longest in all my attempts) that I need to take all of my focus and energy and keep it on me. I think that is a form of self love/self care -- relearning to be independent.

I too felt guilty at times, but ultimately I chose to put it all on hold because of my own need to get it together... .not because of the vow I made that she clearly didn't and doesn't care about

[vaztek2003]

I hear you vaztek2003!

I think the problem with me is that I wanted to prove to her that I would never leave her. She once asked me to promise her I would never leave her. I vowed to never leave her.

My ex had me do the same promise when we last met up in person... .a vow to never leave her and always protect her. A few weeks later she left me, I was literally blindsided though all the flags were there... .like the months of distancing and no intimacy. Its crazy. Im sure she's moved on as this woman needs a person to hear her problems out daily... .and I was that guy, so someone else took up my spot.

[vaztek2003]

I understand this vow all too well. But keep in mind, just as I have to keep reminding myself over that same vow, SHE left ME and she's having quite a go of it with currently 3 different replacements. I realize I am far too damaged currently to get involved with anyone. I did meet someone who I truly enjoy talking to and was a positive in all the negatives this situation brings... .but in the end I decided I needed to be fair to her and let her know I just wasn't in a position to be anything to anyone.

I need to focus on myself. This is still all too fresh and still very much so alive and kicking considering my exwBPD/NPD just sent me rude emails yesterday. I realized when I replied and broke NC (however short it had been... still the longest in all my attempts) that I need to take all of my focus and energy and keep it on me. I think that is a form of self love/self care -- relearning to be independent.

I too felt guilty at times, but ultimately I chose to put it all on hold because of my own need to get it together... .not because of the vow I made that she clearly didn't and doesn't care about

Im struggled the same when speaking to the new girl. I just wasnt into it. She seemed to be everything I wanted but I just wasnt into loving again. I was hurt deeply by someone I loved deeply. I guess, though it pains at the same time as it feels like our relationship was just a hoax, is that in 3 months she didnt even bother to reach out at all. Its a gift and a curse for me. I have to constantly remind myself that nothing good would come out of it, but the coldness and lack of respect towards me, a person that gave her the best and was always there for her loving her, just hurt me deeply and Im trying to heal.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi cupidsdead,

How long is it since the end of your marriage?  Do you feel ready to be in a new relationship?  Perhaps the guilt you feel has something to do with where you are at in yourself. 

Many years ago I did an intensive first aid training course.  The key message I took home was ALWAYS LOOK AFTER YOURSELF FIRST(most of us will have done the briefings on aeroplanes about putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others for example).  Because you can't help anyone else unless you are OK yourself.  I often think back to this and wish I'd had the sense to apply it in every area of my life!  What I'm saying is, whether it's being happy in a new relationship or focusing on our own healing, we ought to not feel guilty for putting ourselves first.  It's the only way we can truly give value to others.

Love and light x

[cupidsdead]

Hi Harley Quinn,

We got divorced in 2012. However, she would come back and then leave... .this went on until the summer of 2015.

The thing with me is that I am very emotional and as a musician, I am very in touch with my emotions ( that's one of the reasons I ended up with her). Sometimes, even though I feel I am over her, a certain song can easily remind me of her and can bring back a wave of sad emotions.

I do feel ready o star a new relationship, but I often "remember" too much, .

You know what I mean?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi cupidsdead,

The thing with me is that I am very emotional and as a musician, I am very in touch with my emotions ( that's one of the reasons I ended up with her). Sometimes, even though I feel I am over her, a certain song can easily remind me of her and can bring back a wave of sad emotions.

I do feel ready o star a new relationship, but I often "remember" too much, .

You know what I mean?

I do.  I guess it's a bit like having a bereavement in that respect.  Whilst we grieve, learn to make it a part of ourselves and live our lives, it never goes away and can be brought back by the simplest of things.  Funny you mention being a musician.  Something I've failed to mention on the board is that I sing and find this such an amazing outlet for my feelings.  Perhaps we should all start a band as a form of therapy   Have you spoken to the new SO about the marriage and how it has impacted you?  She will likely pick up on how you are feeling. 

Love and light x 

[Lucky Jim]

I think the problem with me is that I wanted to prove to her that I would never leave her. She once asked me to promise her I would never leave her. I vowed to never leave her.

Hey cupidsdead, Let's agree that your 2012 divorce, and subsequent parting of the ways in 2015, negated any vows that you may have made.  Same for her.  You're back to Square One, my friend, which is a good thing.  Any guilt, I suspect, is a holdover from your marriage and presumably stems from the F-O-G that your pwBPD used to control you.  No need for you to be manipulated one minute longer!  You can let go of the guilt.

You feel ready to embark on a new relationship, as you related, so go forth and don't feel bad about it!

LuckyJim

[cupidsdead]

Thanks Lucky Jim.

and Harley Quinn... .What then shall we call our new band? The Survivors? Lol

[Harley Quinn]

Haha, there's a very definite ring to it!  (I made myself a Survivor bracelet full of charms that symbolise the relationship as a bit of a talisman to give me strength when I need it and celebrate my growth.  I've been wearing it today.)

Love and light x