Received divorce papers for the 6th time in 5 years from my wife

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife of 5 years has filed for divorce for the 6th time...   She withdrew the previous five.  We have a very unstable relationship.  She isn't diagnosed, but has the symptoms of a disorder.   Uncontrollable outbursts of anger, expensive shopping sprees, trouble empathizing, lack of direction, frequent mood swings, etc.  She feels she has no problems at all, directs them on me, plays the victim. You know the rest of the story.  I have done significant research on this topic of BPD and realize that I have been responding wrongly to her outbursts.  I try to leave the scene to get space and she comes right after me berating me until I've had enough and react wrongly.  I need help with understanding this type of behavior.  If the divorce goes through, I can get on with my life.  It has been a very rocky road.  Any suggestions?

[amusement park]

My wife of 5 years has filed for divorce for the 6th time...   She withdrew the previous five.  We have a very unstable relationship.  She isn't diagnosed, but has the symptoms of a disorder.   Uncontrollable outbursts of anger, expensive shopping sprees, trouble empathizing, lack of direction, frequent mood swings, etc.  She feels she has no problems at all, directs them on me, plays the victim. You know the rest of the story.  I have done significant research on this topic of BPD and realize that I have been responding wrongly to her outbursts.  I try to leave the scene to get space and she comes right after me berating me until I've had enough and react wrongly.  I need help with understanding this type of behavior.  If the divorce goes through, I can get on with my life.  It has been a very rocky road.  Any suggestions?

[takingandsending]

Hello amusement park, and welcome to bpdfamily.

The push/pull, mood swings, impulsive spending, blame shifting, explosive anger are all possible indicators of a personality disorder. It is very challenging to maintain a positive relationship with a spouse, family member or friend who has BPD, and it is pretty standard to react in ways that actually make the situation worse. You are not alone in that.

Actually, disengaging is important when your wife becomes abusive or emotionally dysregulated, but there is an effective way to do so that won't make things worse. There are some excellent communication tools here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913188#msg913188
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190
The basic understanding is that we have to stop making things worse in order for them to get better. As you read some of these tools, you may see some of the things that you have done that don't work, and maybe somethings that you could try to disarm some of the high emotions. In the end, the choice of staying or leaving is a very personal one. The members on the boards can help you with the been there/done that support that is really valuable as you work on your own path.

I encourage you to keep posting and asking questions.

[ForeverDad]

From your prior posts you mention she has a daughter.  Are you the father of any of her children?  I ask because as difficult as a divorce is with a person with BPD can be over the financial and control issues, having children together makes a difficult time vastly more complicated and high conflict.

Courts will not force you to stay married.  On the other hand, either of you can decide to end it for a variety of reasons, the continual dysfunction, the blaming, the blame shifting, the endless roller coaster, or even as in her case just being angry.  A priority in your case is that if the marriage ends that you protect yourself legally, emotionally and physically. She is very likely to do anything, literally anything, to make you appear worse than her.  False allegations are commonplace around here so protect yourself from giving her any basis to twist reality and make claim of abuse, threats, raised voices or angry tones.