Should I go back and work it out?

[Jm31]

We've been married for 3 years and my wife has two kids from a previous marriage. Before we got married, she told me she has abandonment and trust issues. She sought treatment for a few months prior to meeting me because of another failed relationship. The past 3 years have been a roller-coaster ride. When it's good, things are really good. She is a kind, generous, and very loving person. Three months into our relationship, I saw for the first time that she had a dark side. She got very jealous of one of my best friends, who was female. She accused me of many things, including only getting married for convenience. She accused me and my best friend of conspiring against her and that we had a "plan".

This happened so many times. Every time we fight, she would shut me down, she refused to listen, contorted my words, accused me of things I didn't even do (or accused me of not doings that I am supposed to do), and so many more. What did I do? I would always be the first one to approach her, to reassure, to beg, to plead, to apologize. Sometimes, I did not even know what I was apologizing for. This has been going on for years now. Some of the problems we fight about are valid and legitimate but some were so irrational that I could not believe I was in such a fight. It's like fighting with a child.

We've been seeing a counselor (individually and together) because things started to unravel last month. I think I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and just plain burnt out. So I went to counseling by myself because I thought it was my problem. A couple of weeks ago, I approached her to talk about my feelings - she shut down immediately. Long story short, it was another fight and she texted me to pack my stuff and leave. For the first time, I did. I never did it before because I knew she had abandonment issues. I didn't want to aggravate these issues by leaving. But she always threatened me with divorce or kicking me out or "you leave tonight".

I stayed with friends for days, trying to make sense of what is going on. I emailed my counselor and asked if we could go in together for marriage counseling. Which we did. After that, we talked and agreed to push on with our plans for a vacation the next day with the kids (this was planned way back -- we almost didn't go because of our problems). We were away for a week and during vacation, there were a couple of incidents (as before) where we would be all happy and I would say something like, "Can you take a photo of me with this truck?" and she would go, "Why? Who are you sending it to? Why don't you take a selfie" in that passive-aggressive and sarcastic way that drives me nuts.

Yesterday, another one of these incidents happened and I walked away. I did not say anything. But I started searching up the behavioral symptoms that she has been exhibiting and the research led me to this site. After reading all the stories, it was an epiphany. I didn't feel alone anymore. I actually thought I was insane or had mental problems myself. I thought I was too sensitive, I thought I was thinking too much (maybe I am). Now I'm not sure if my wife has BPD. I am not a professional but all the symptoms that are listed everywhere seem to point that way. With this understanding, I went to talk to her. I told her, it's not your fault. But she was still mad about the incident that afternoon so she shut me down again. I said, I cannot stay here tonight, I have to take care of myself. And of course, like expected, she scoffed and laughed and said, Of course, go to (insert name of person she is jealous of). I tried my best not to say anything, not to take it personally, but I said something like it's not your fault, it's your father's. Her father abandoned them when she was a kid, and in turn, her mother became an emotional wreck. Which was probably the worst thing to say to her at that point.

I went to a friend's house to stay the night and got a barrage of texts. The first text was that she was filing for divorce on Monday. The second set was threatening. She said she will fight if I try to take anything from her or her kids' lives. I just responded, I will not take this personally anymore, but you need help, much more than I can give.

This morning, she texted me our vows... "for better, for worse... .till death do us part". She forwarded me an email from a long time ago that reminded her of good times. Now at this point, I do not know what I should do. Should I go back home and work it out? Should I stay? Should I go? She is a caring person and I know she loves me and that she never means to hurt me, but it seems like a vicious cycle I cannot escape from. Any advice would help.

To give you more context, there have been no cheating in our relationship (well she perceives me as a cheater and any behavior that seems suspicious is a prelude to cheating). I am also a very sensitive person, and it's so, so hard for me not to take things personally. My brain is saying one thing, but my heart is saying another.
 















 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm very sorry that you are experiencing all of this. I have written many of the same words as you because I have experienced much of it myself. As you have seen from reading, you are not alone and we are not the only ones who have gone through this. There is good news though, there is hope as long as you want there to be hope. I realize that sounds trite, but it is very true.

It was very hard for me to understand why a woman that I had been friends with for years before I ever me my pwBPD created so much strife in our relationship. I had to learn to look at things differently.

There are communication tools, lessons, and articles here that can help. Things like boundaries and validation can go a long way to stop incidents from escalating. It is recommended that you learn all that you can about BPD and why your wife may be acting as she is. Understanding is a very powerful tool.

I encourage you to read the posts of others and ask any questions that you may have. I look forward to reading more of your story in future posts.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jm31-
If going back to her doesn't feel emotionally "safe" for you right now, then maybe you can tell her that you need some space to rest a bit.  These relationships are exhausting and can wear you out.  Try not to get too tied into the words of the marriage vows... .she's spoken them before, right?

See if you feel strong enough to do some reading here and absorb some of the great lessons on working with partners with BPD traits.  That can be enormously helpful if you find you want to stay committed to the marriage.  It's also a good idea to begin learning and understanding your own behavior within the relationship- lots of us have codependent tendencies.  But one step at a time - it can be overwhelming.

Those of us on these boards all understand the confusion of these relationships- the "I love you/I hate you" of it all.  It can drain your soul, and leave you not knowing what to believe.  It has left me questioning whether I have ever been loved by anyone... .not a good place to be at my age.

So perhaps take some time to care for yourself without her input if you can.  Clear your head, take a few nice walks, quietly drink a cup of tea.

Out of curiosity, has your therapist ever indicated your wife may have a personality disorder of any type?  Just wondering... .

My BPDs never cheated either, but the lack of cheating did NOT define a solid, loving and supportive relationship.

Take good care.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes