Having To Stop Myself From Answering My Daughter's Abusive Phone Calls...HELP

[OffMyRocker]

I am forcing myself to ignore her persistent calls from the hospital.  We were talking okay for the first few calls today.  I called her after 5pm to check in and tell her more about what I had found out about other possible options to help her dark depression.  She seemed to find relief in that... .perhaps, some hope.  Then she said she wanted to go have a smoke break in the courtyard area... .as they allow it there and that she would call me back a bit later on.  

About an hour passed and she did call.  Then we talked a bit more... .awkward, as usual, as I am so careful not to set her off... .and then she wanted to go and have the snacks they had set out.  I said okay and she said she would call back after.  She did and that phone call was where things started getting bad.  She was insisting that I allow for things when she returned home that she was not stable enough to do and then it seemed she intentionally tried to argue with me.  Yet when I asked her if doing the one thing she asked about would make her feel better, she said that nothing makes her feel better and that her life will never improve.  Then she began blaming me for everything that she had wrong with her.  

She said first it was the divorce from her father, who also seemed to have BPD, as well as Schizophrenia, since he heard voices sometimes.  Then she blamed me for being ill from hormonal issues that disable me and have since the change of life began for me 14 years ago.  If I said something too calm to try and diffuse her anger or said I knew it was just her disorder making her think this way and that she was more upset by it because her disorder was making her more angry, she would hang up... .then call back a minute or 2 later.  She did this 3 or 4 times, before I finally decided to ignore her calls... .as her last call was her telling me to "F*ck off and die."  This included an insane laugh, too.

I feel like I am feeding her abandonment issues, but I can't keep letting her rile up my anxiety.  I was already having a lot of that today before I reached out to try and give her hope.  Am I wrong to ignore her calls when she is like this?  Should I answer or call her tomorrow or later today?  I just don't know what to do... .this is all so scary to me.  I am an emotional mess... .though I am trying desperately not to show her that she is still able to push my buttons.  She has called about 2 dozen times, between my home phone, my cell, my mother's phone and my brother's phone.  And when she called my brother, she pretended to just want to get in touch with me, with a very sweet voice.  Is she a Sociopath.  What do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Have you shared with them what she said? The "FOAD" is unacceptable.  If you shared that,  would your family believe it? More importantly,  even if they heard or believed it,  would they support you enacting boundaries? It is so tough to deal with things like this without real life,  local support... .

[Lollypop]

Hi

I know that inate need to try and fix. I was in fixer mode for years. I wanted to ease his pain. Everything I did or said made things worse. Id get myself into situations, just like yours, where I just didn't know what to do next. I'd be flabbergasted. I know how you're feeling.

I think your call placed expectations on your daughter. She's in Hospital and barely able to cope. I know you were trying to give her hope and had the best intentions. When my DS is anxious his mind is full to the brim with racing thoughts, he can't cope with much at all. He needed me to be calm, not placing anything on him, just genuine open heart with no strings attached love. Not actions, gentle enough to make him feel loved and supported,

Your daughter was reacting to your reaction. Your daughter can't help the way she behaves. You can learn how to change how you interact. My DS responds so very well to me now.

We all want the same thing in life: to feel loved and supported,

We can learn to be more effective as parents here. Don't beat yourself up about the call. We all are just doing our best and we all can try a little harder.

Baby steps, gently forwards.

I encourage you to start reading about BPD. Knowledge is power. When we know better, we do better. I started by focussing on my relationship with my DS, not the fixing.

Things are fraught right now. Your daughter is in hospital. If you can, just pause and breathe.

Hugs

LP

[OffMyRocker]

Have you shared with them what she said? The "FOAD" is unacceptable.  If you shared that,  would your family believe it? More importantly,  even if they heard or believed it,  would they support you enacting boundaries? It is so tough to deal with things like this without real life,  local support... .

I called the nurses and told them. They told me to ignore her calls for tonight.

[need a break]

I am forcing myself to ignore her persistent calls from the hospital.  We were talking okay for the first few calls today.  I called her after 5pm to check in and tell her more about what I had found out about other possible options to help her dark depression.  She seemed to find relief in that... .perhaps, some hope.  Then she said she wanted to go have a smoke break in the courtyard area... .as they allow it there and that she would call me back a bit later on.  

About an hour passed and she did call.  Then we talked a bit more... .awkward, as usual, as I am so careful not to set her off... .and then she wanted to go and have the snacks they had set out.  I said okay and she said she would call back after.  She did and that phone call was where things started getting bad.  She was insisting that I allow for things when she returned home that she was not stable enough to do and then it seemed she intentionally tried to argue with me.  Yet when I asked her if doing the one thing she asked about would make her feel better, she said that nothing makes her feel better and that her life will never improve.  Then she began blaming me for everything that she had wrong with her.  

She said first it was the divorce from her father, who also seemed to have BPD, as well as Schizophrenia, since he heard voices sometimes.  Then she blamed me for being ill from hormonal issues that disable me and have since the change of life began for me 14 years ago.  If I said something too calm to try and diffuse her anger or said I knew it was just her disorder making her think this way and that she was more upset by it because her disorder was making her more angry, she would hang up... .then call back a minute or 2 later.  She did this 3 or 4 times, before I finally decided to ignore her calls... .as her last call was her telling me to "F*ck off and die."  This included an insane laugh, too.

I feel like I am feeding her abandonment issues, but I can't keep letting her rile up my anxiety.  I was already having a lot of that today before I reached out to try and give her hope.  Am I wrong to ignore her calls when she is like this?  Should I answer or call her tomorrow or later today?  I just don't know what to do... .this is all so scary to me.  I am an emotional mess... .though I am trying desperately not to show her that she is still able to push my buttons.  She has called about 2 dozen times, between my home phone, my cell, my mother's phone and my brother's phone.  And when she called my brother, she pretended to just want to get in touch with me, with a very sweet voice.  Is she a Sociopath.  What do I do?

I think one of the hardest things I have had to do is NOT answer those kind of phone calls. When my D is hospitalized the calls are endless, beyond hostile, and so painful.
I have had to block her number even when she is out of the hospital treating me like a piece
 of crap, blaming me etc. I'm sure you know the drill
How old is your D? Is this a new diagnosis? I am asking because I really feel that as a parent we all have are own timeline on how much abuse we will take.
Present day for me? The more boundaries I put up and the less I see her or communicate the better she is in her everyday life.
Why ? I have no idea. Very painful but true.