Breakthrough? or manipulation? or what?

[Triedmybest408]

My original thread involved uBPD fiance raging out on me and accusing me of doing things I never did (strippers/prostitutes during a bachelor party in a different country). its been 6 months she had issues and 3 months of raging every other day, week.

Well as of late I do notice her drinking a lot more than usual (she drinks wine every night, but lately its been more mixing in some liquor). and this past weekend we had great fun, partying with friends and she went to visit her parents for the holiday which is 8 hours away without me. Anyways during the partying she would get drunk to the point she would badger me with questions about the issues we are having, to the point our friends noticed (some know my situation), that one of our friends texted and asked if we are ok because of "We"(her) was acting. Mind you she brush this off like she didn't remember.

At this point we are good, she never brought up her bugging me with questions, we are loving towards each other etc etc like normal

Well updated now... .she went to visit her parents with her cousin and aunt. THey all like the drink. Apparently she got drunk and had some type of rage/breakdown that she can't remember. She was telling me how everyone was asking if she was ok the next day and even her dad asked if she was ok (He is not the type to get involved in anything). Her cousin who she is close with, wouldn't even tell her what they talked about when she blacked out.

So fiance comes home tells me this story... .and i can tell something was bugging her. She told me she needs to stop drinking so much, she doesn't know whats going on and why it is bugging her. while we laying in bed, she asked me if I still loved her. I assured her that I loved her. She asked it hasn't changed? I reply No.

That's when I had to ask her why she felt that way. She brought up that this fight we had was really HUGE and she knows that she treated me bad and how it was wrong that she accused me of doing things when I said I didnt. She also said she shouldn't of got that mad even though I told her I didn't do anything and that she couldn't get over her emotions. She apologized and said I am sorry if hurt you and anything I said I didn't mean it. You are good to me always and i need to let you know that, when I am mad I don't mean those things.  I told her i understood.

I dont know if this was the right thing to do, but I told her "Ill be honest, it hurt that you would think I would do those things and that you really pushed that on me. I don't like being accused of things that I never did." I left it at that.

Right before she slept she said, never let me go again (she pushed a breakup and I responded wrong so she says I let her go a week ago), promise you will fight for me and for us. I know I get mad, but I can get over it pretty quick. I responded I always will and have.

this might be me being codepedent but i felt all the weight from the rage/guilt/accusations lift and my anxiety subsided a little

but I think she is having anxiety over the blacking out/drunk these past few days. She questions why our friend texted what he did and what happen at her familys.

We went to the gym last night and we were talking about wedding venues, and she is pretty sure she wants a destination wedding (different country), Me not thinking I said "I would love that I hope our parent's can go" (our parent never travel)... .she took this the wrong way and told me "EVERYTHING YOU SAY GIVES ME ANXIETY". I quickly tried to validate her feeling on what I said... .not sure it worked but working out helped let her stop thinking about it... .

So... .does this mean we got over the huge hump ? we have sort of made up on this topic before but it came back full force maybe a week after we made up. But this time was more heartfelt and she even repeated back to me what she did wrong. the other time it was more like she said "I am over it... .its ok if anything happen its not a big deal". I feel like the self awareness was great.

or could this be manipulation? to pull me back in because she felt weird about what happen at her family get together?

I am obviously relieved, but the gym incident reminded me... .tells me I need to be on my toes and be aware

*thanks for reading everyone, this forum has been so therapeutic, just being able to type whats going on in my head

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[Triedmybest408]

I just realized... .

could she be projecting? when asked ":)o you still love me? the same?"

could she be projecting that maybe she doesn't feel the same towards me?

[waverider]

These moments of insight often accompany, and validate, their own sense of self loathing. However her feelings/insights/interpretations/intentions are what she feels at that moment.

When the next trigger pops up, everything said, and thought, now will go out the window, and the storm will unleash again. It is all part of the BPD transient insight. Often some of this is learned, superficial and parroted. It doesn't come from a core sense of values.

In return you will cycle through senses of feeling relieved and then subsequently cheated. It is this process that grinds you down. it is important not to follow her into these highs and lows.

pwBPD rarely process emotions and "get over them", they simply switch them off or quarantine them. This is why they can be brought out of the memory as strong as they were when they went in, then used to validate, and reinforce, some other presently occurring issue as "back up evidence" of why they are being wronged.

I am sure you have experienced your wife "getting over things", while you are still brooding/healing and you have been accused of holding a grudge and not getting over it. This slow recovery is normal and part of normal processing of emotions. Similar to grieving it takes time. pwBPD similarly often dont grieve the same they may resent a loss more as a victim than an empathiser.

An ability to quickly switch extreme emotions off, as well as on, is one of the major red flags of an emotionally dysfunctional personality

[Triedmybest408]

Thank you!

[waverider]

pwBPD dont have a solid understanding of "love" it becomes confused with "need" in particular immediate need. In a normal personality love builds slowly, similarly it wanes slowly. With pwBPD they feel "in love" very quickly, likewise they feel it can be  gone just as quickly. Rather than make them feel secure it can make them feel vulnerable, to the point that some will run when they feel that attachment, as that vulnerability brings with it the fear of abandonment.

You will always be out of sync with a pwBPD emotionally as they operate on a different, and erratic, frequency. this is where you get in trouble if you become co- dependant as your are forever in their wake playing catch up.

Keeping your own reality and stating how YOU feel, as you did, is important.

[Triedmybest408]

pwBPD dont have a solid understanding of "love" it becomes confused with "need" in particular immediate need. In a normal personality love builds slowly, similarly it wanes slowly. With pwBPD they feel "in love" very quickly, likewise they feel it can be  gone just as quickly. Rather than make them feel secure it can make them feel vulnerable, to the point that some will run when they feel that attachment, as that vulnerability brings with it the fear of abandonment.

You will always be out of sync with a pwBPD emotionally as they operate on a different, and erratic, frequency. this is where you get in trouble if you become co- dependant as your are forever in their wake playing catch up.

Keeping your own reality and stating how YOU feel, as you did, is important.

Thanks for the wise words... .you are right 

[waverider]

You dont have to sell your reality, or convince anyone else of it. just know it yourself and allow yourself the right to have it by stating it, but keeping it  from your perspective

eg " I feel bad about XYZ' rather than "you make me feel bad by doing XYZ". The first is a fact and not disputable, the second is a fact and an opinion about the cause, which can be dabated>>escalation

[5xFive]

eg " I feel bad about XYZ' rather than "you make me feel bad by doing XYZ". The first is a fact and not disputable, the second is a fact and an opinion about the cause, which can be dabated>>escalation

Oh my goodness. This is like "Mind. Blown." for me. I have never been able to figure out why, when I use "I" statements, do things still escalate? It seems so obvious to me now, like duh. My statements are more like "I feel bad when you do XYZ". I tell myself I'm not criticizing, but I am, aren't I?

[waverider]

Yep its a small shift but you have been labelling yourself the victim and hence them persecutor. Keep in mind the BPD world is black and white where you are either one or the other. They feel they are the victims and hence you are stealing their role and totally invalidating them...

Not saying they wont react badly, but at least you are not making it worse than necessary and not setting yourself up for JADE. either way YOUR conscience is clear and you will feel better and less disempowered because you have stated your reality.

[5xFive]

Waverider,
That totally explains why I'm so often accused of "being the victim" or needing to be the victim. That statement has always confused me, I don't feel like a victim nor do I want to be one, so of course I get defensive and BOOM we're off to the races. Thank you! I will try to remember this when speaking to my uBPDh in the future!

[Gumiho]

... .Not saying they wont react badly ... .

My gf reacts badly still, and I then can say "you're comparing apples with eggs" (ie. she's confusing "I feel bad about xyz" with "I feel bad about her personality/self". And she's set off instantly, spiraling into her self loathing. She told me herself she can't listen when she's going off. So the hard part still is not to follow her into that rabbit hole, and take a step back until things cooled down.

Great posts WR   I've saved them into a note to remind myself ^^

Thanks
Gumiho

[waverider]

The principle is preserving your sense of self and not being dragged down the rabbit hole, rather than a futile attempt to pull her out of it, she's going there anyway.

This way you can remain more centered. Regardless of what happens you will feel better about yourself.

You wont make any progress unless you feel whole, rather than having your reality fragmented.

[Gumiho]

Right, and it's no use beating myself up over the time before I learnt about BPD (and myself), feeling guilty about what I've done to gf (by invalidating her feelings).

I mean she has her own reasons, no matter how arbitary and twisted those reasons are when she's slipping. They are her reality.

That's where radical acceptance comes in play, I think, for myself to feel whole again, too.

[Triedmybest408]

Is it normal for someone dealing with a pwBPD to feel resentment and negative thoughts after a huge blow up?

I am over the feeling of false guilt (at least I think)... .but now in my head I feel resentment and negative feelings towards what had happen. And it seems its carried over to just everyday things... .I have negative feeling towards others and situations (I am normally the happy go lucky type).

Im doing things to keep my mind off it. Gym, going on walks/hikes, playing games on my phone to distract myself.

My uBPD fiance, seems to be picking up on these signals (which does trigger me) because I don't want her thinking I am holding a grudge or planning something (she use to bring this up in past fights along time ago)

[waverider]

Is it normal for someone dealing with a pwBPD to feel resentment and negative thoughts after a huge blow up?

I am over the feeling of false guilt (at least I think)... .but now in my head I feel resentment and negative feelings towards what had happen. And it seems its carried over to just everyday things... .I have negative feeling towards others and situations (I am normally the happy go lucky type).

Im doing things to keep my mind off it. Gym, going on walks/hikes, playing games on my phone to distract myself.

My uBPD fiance, seems to be picking up on these signals (which does trigger me) because I don't want her thinking I am holding a grudge or planning something (she use to bring this up in past fights along time ago)

Yes it is, resentment is a big issue. A lot of it comes from loosing respect. Even doing those thing to distract yourself loose their appeal because you feel pushed into them rather than choosing to do them when you feel like it. It is still reactionary, and you still feel like being controlled by default. Ever gone for what should a relaxing stroll, except you are grating your teeth and muttering to yourself, plotting to get even?

This is why establishing "me time" of your time and choosing is also important which is not dependent on your pwBPD's mood.

[Triedmybest408]

Exactly how I feel!

Thank you!