Foster carer to my BPD mother in-laws children. How do I deal with the blame?

[Arya89]

Hello!
I have never posted on anything like this before but I feel I need a space to vent.
My partner is the eldest of six children, the youngest three are school age their mother has BPD and was seriously struggling in her relationship with the children at home to the point where social services removed them from her care and placed them with us. We are a busy couple in our twenties and whilst we love having the children it has added some stresses to our life.
The biggest problem is that my mother in law frequently calls us to express her anger and hatred for us, blaming us for taking her children (we told the social workers the extent to which she was emotionally abusive to the younger children for their safety) and accusing us of only being interested in the financial support we receive for being foster carers. Attempts to reassure her have no effect and her ongoing outbursts are making social services reluctant to reunite her with her children. In meetings with social workers she usually cries and talks about how she is the victim of abuse (she has been in several difficult relationships) but does not acknowledge that her actions have often caused others pain.
She has never been able to place meaningful boundaries for her children and they are now struggling to adapt to life in a more structured household, the children often contact her to tell her about the unfair 'rules' we are putting in place (bedtimes, curfews etc!) which does not help the situation. I want to support the children to listen to their mother when she hopefully tries to be more authoritative but I also want to support them to know they don't have to listen to her abusive behavior. I want to speak positively about their mother and encourage their relationship but I also want to acknowledge that she has not always treat them appropriately and that her put downs are not accurate. I also want to reasure my partner that his mother cares for him at the same time as acknowledging that the things she says to him are not okay. My mother in law is official diagnosed as bipolar and PTSD and does not acknowledge the views of several professionals who have mentioned BPD.

Anyway rant over, does anybody have any similar experiences? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help younger children (8,11, and 14 in this case) understand a carers BPD behaviours?

Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi Arya89

You definitely got a lot on your plate. Both of you are still quite young, in your twenties, and all of a sudden having to take care of your partner's 3 youngest siblings is a significant change in your life.

In some ways, your situation resembles what are members on the Co-Parenting board go through. The non-BPD members there share Parenting duties with another parent who does have BPD. I think you might benefit from taking a look at some of the tools from the Co-Parenting board:

Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

TOOLS: Child development and parents with mental illness

POLL: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

TOOLS: Helping our children deal with trauma

POLL: Protecting your children during divorce

I hope this helps

The Board Parrot