Hello Everyone.
I (33F) am in a new relationship with my partner (32M)Before we started dating he spoke about his ex and said that she has BPD and they barely spoken but have kept in contact over time. But shes still his friend and they do events together like DnD. They also have cats together.
My question is, how can I support him through his trauma bond with his ex?
I have brought up that it makes me feel uncomfortable how much they talk, and how much she relies on him and I understand how he feels a desire to protect her. But in prioritising her feelings and emotions, hes neglecting mine and our relationship.
He use to compare me a lot to her, when I express things he will say (My ex, lets call her Sophie) did the same thing, or if I would express my feelings, he would respond with (sophie also had a bad today and shes so upset), or I would say something that I love and he would say (Sophie also loves this). Hes trying his best not to mention her, and now when he does he will say “sorry im mentioning Sophie but it relates to our discussion” and them proceeds to tell me about Sophie and the situation.
I asked him this one time, if its okay when I talk about myself if be doesnt bring up Sophie, and he got defensive and asking for evidence of these events. He shut down, and then I was so sad and crying, he ended up messaging his Ex and supporting her as she had reached out to him for support. I ended up pushing my feelings aside and supporting him through this because it was something they both went through. we later did talk about what had happened and I expressed how putting her first makes me feel so unloved.
Fast forward to last week. I saw she messaged him asking if I was staying at his place
this weekend, I asked him why she asked this and he said “you need to trust us, trust Sophie and trust me, shes not trying to take me away from you.” Later on I asked again why she asked and He said that Sophie wanted to ask me but wasnt sure how Id feel about it. So I asked what it was? And he said they were talking about going to the movies. So I asked if Sophoe was asking to go with him? and he said no, all of us. I asked him if I could please see the messages and so he showed me. The text message said (I will be paraphrasing) .. ‘I wanted to see this movie, and I wanted to ask CutButterfly if we could go but I wasnt sure how she would feel, its okay Ill go at somepoint.” My BF responds saying “we can go to the movies.” And then sophie responds ‘yaay that would be great, and Im more than happy for CutButterfly to come aswell” to which my BF says “yeah we can bring CutButterfly with us.” So when I read this, I was hurt. Not only have they been talking A L O T, but they were making plans together and graciously inviting me. I told him it made me feel like a third wheel.
I tried explaining myself, and the conversation made him anxious (the discussion went on for a while and be got overwhelmed) He sat and ended up breaking up with me.
I left and then called later to see if he was okay. I live an hour away and it was close to midnight so he offered for me to drive back to stay the night just incase as I had driven down the road to park my car and cry.
We spoke about everything and he said that he thought he could have both of us, and I said no. Not like this. You cant emotionally be available to your ex and also me. I feel like he gives me the leftovers whilst maintaining his relationship with his ex.
We noted that this is more of a trauma bond than anything else. I asked him if he could set boundries, I made an example of a boundry, messaging her once a week, and be broke down crying because the thought of her being restricted to contacting him hurts him.
We decided we would do a weekly debrief, and discuss how he was managing throughout the week with his communication and boundry setting with his ex.
We spoke all night and cleared the air, he asked if we could try again and I agreed.
He tells me he loves me and cares about me, but I still know this trauma bond is stronger than us. I asked from him to please have my back, because in those messages
he did not set clear boundries to Sophie stating that im his girlfriend. i explained to him with my ex, I only talk to him about the kids, and nothing else and if he saw our messages you would only see discussions relating to the children.
I would love to help him, and he has said he should go to therapy for this. He says he feels like he has a responsibilty over her and the thought of her struggling and not having anything or anyone really hurts him.
He is also now looking after her cat because she asked him too because she doesnt have a stable living situation, but this allows her to reach out to him more and come over more too to spend time with her cat. Althought I think it wss only twice since her cat officially moved in.
The last time she came over they played video games together and he opened up to her about his worries about our relationship and my kids. I did express to him to come to me and I will comfort him.
Im not sure how I can help other than the weekly debriefs, but I also dont want to lose myself and I feel like if I do help, it may make their bond stronger and I just feel constantly anxious.
I feel like therapy would help the most, but is there anything I can do to help until he gets therapy?
