On again /Off again

[Rondy]

Hi!

For the last 6 months i've been dating a girl.
I'm 37, she's 35.

After the first few dates i really started to idolize her. She was charming, lovely, personable, etc.

But now... .I can't tell you the number of times shes physically left me, blocked me on fb, removed me as a friend, gotten upset orver something i've said, told me we should break up, called me controlling, threatened me with sex with other men, told me to tell my family to unfriend her on fb, said she was going on dates, slander our relationship to others, tell me she's not being heard - etc.      Its been rocky to say the least, but finally something clicked and i started looking into BPD.

In 6 months, she hasn't gone two days without contact (even after all that)
She will hang up on me over the phone, then ill have 57 text messages ten minutes later.
She'll say that we should do this thing or thing to improve our relationship (workshops, therapy, talk to people, etc) then when push comes to shove she finds she doesn't want to do in the moment.
She'll ask me to come visit her, then the day before say not to. 
When she leaves, its always a slow trickle back into my life.

The slightest thing sometimes sets her off - a facial reaction I have, something I say that she doenst approve of, a simple innocuous 'yeah' over the phone, my opinions of a person, etc.

The tough part is, shes into behavioral psychology - she says 'none of my friends see this in me' or she gets her friends to 'analyze' her and they nothing is amiss. She has psychologist ''friends'. She keeps her exes in her phone for whatever reasons. Her last relationship was with an introvert, and I dont know if she always had this behavior or its only now manifested itself.

Her mom passed away years ago, and she suffers from 'what people think of her' all the time. She tells me not to point this behavior out because she will 'mirror it' and that shes a product of her environment. So I can't even bring it up. She's a buddhist, and uses mindlfulness sometimes (thats when shes amazing). But I can't seem to relate, and it is getting worse before it gets better.

My question is  - am i the one whos off here - or is this BPD? How do i 'validate' her feelings? I've been 'withstanding' this for a while, so I dont mind the behavior, because I do love her. But I need help to understand.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Rondy



You came to the right place. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post.

But I can't seem to relate, and it is getting worse before it gets better.

My question is  - am i the one whos off here - or is this BPD? How do i 'validate' her feelings? I've been 'withstanding' this for a while, so I dont mind the behavior, because I do love her. But I need help to understand.

The short answer is both. Its very common for the Non-BPD person to make things worse by how we react to the person with BPD. Many of us here on the Improving board find that we have been contributing to the problem. We can actually make the relationship a lot easier by changing ourselves. My relationship that brought me to this board has greatly improved since I found this place and started learning about the disorder, started practicing the tools but more importantly started focusing on myself. That means two things: Looking after and taking care of myself but also being honest with myself about my own emotional life and how I react.

I suggest you start by reading the tools over here to the right  and spend some time reading other peoples posts. There are some good articles on validation, it helps to ask specific questions or give a more detailed picture.

Can you give me an example, maybe a conversation that was difficult and you think you could have validated but didnt know how?

Im really glad you took this step. There is a lot to learn but you are not alone and we have a great community here thats committed to supporting and learning from each other.