Divorced from uBPDw who wants to resume relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Wow.  uBPDxw journeyed 3000+ miles by plane and 5 nights of hotel (during high season) to visit.  Youngest graduated HS, was beginning college and interviewing for jobs while sitting house for an unfamiliar couple.  Youngest found it all too much and collapsed emotionally.  Asked if she could call her mom.  :)uring the call uBPDxw asked if youngest would like her to come - to which youngest replied "yes".

Civil divorce was final this last Dec - pushed thru by me because I still had minor child and could direct the course of the court hearing.  Things went smoothly and uBPDxw posed no challenges.

uBPDxw visited and calmed emotional storm.  I acknowledged the "sometimes a girl just needs her mom" piece.  Announced she would be staying 5 days in hotel and that she would appreciate opportunities to converse w 2 youngest daughters RE her emotional/verbal abuse for the 5-ish years prior to when she abandoned family.  Eldest lives in another city.

Girls both showed to individual meetings w their mom, during which uBPDxw verbally acknowledged to kids she had made poor choices and had damaged family very badly.  She apologized, and asked girls if they had anything they'd like to say.  They both said trust would be a very long time coming, but that they appreciated the opportunity.  uBPDxw shed tears... .very very many.  And in public!

I had assumed her interest in maintaining communications w me was rooted in desire to keep in contact w girls and I was secondary.  I have assumed this for past three years and told uBPDxw so.  Now on this visit she asked for alone time for she and I, during which she made similar acknowledgements and apologies.  As far as I know, neither of us had held hands romantically for 3+ years.  It felt amazing... . What happened later did too.

She has gone back to her place 3000 miles away.  She has said she _wants_ me in her life, to whatever degree I am willing to accept.  I asked her to shoot for the moon and be truthful - she said she'd ideally like to resume our marriage.  Responsibilities and goals will keep me where I am for next 5 years.  She has said she is in a similar situation caring for her Mom.  She is the eldest of 5 and the only female.

Help!

[Dobzhansky]

Wow.  uBPDxw journeyed 3000+ miles by plane and 5 nights of hotel (during high season) to visit.  Youngest graduated HS, was beginning college and interviewing for jobs while sitting house for an unfamiliar couple.  Youngest found it all too much and collapsed emotionally.  Asked if she could call her mom.  :)uring the call uBPDxw asked if youngest would like her to come - to which youngest replied "yes".

Civil divorce was final this last Dec - pushed thru by me because I still had minor child and could direct the course of the court hearing.  Things went smoothly and uBPDxw posed no challenges.

uBPDxw visited and calmed emotional storm.  I acknowledged the "sometimes a girl just needs her mom" piece.  Announced she would be staying 5 days in hotel and that she would appreciate opportunities to converse w 2 youngest daughters RE her emotional/verbal abuse for the 5-ish years prior to when she abandoned family.  Eldest lives in another city.

Girls both showed to individual meetings w their mom, during which uBPDxw verbally acknowledged to kids she had made poor choices and had damaged family very badly.  She apologized, and asked girls if they had anything they'd like to say.  They both said trust would be a very long time coming, but that they appreciated the opportunity.  uBPDxw shed tears... .very very many.  And in public!

I had assumed her interest in maintaining communications w me was rooted in desire to keep in contact w girls and I was secondary.  I have assumed this for past three years and told uBPDxw so.  Now on this visit she asked for alone time for she and I, during which she made similar acknowledgements and apologies.  As far as I know, neither of us had held hands romantically for 3+ years.  It felt amazing... . What happened later did too.

She has gone back to her place 3000 miles away.  She has said she _wants_ me in her life, to whatever degree I am willing to accept.  I asked her to shoot for the moon and be truthful - she said she'd ideally like to resume our marriage.  Responsibilities and goals will keep me where I am for next 5 years.  She has said she is in a similar situation caring for her Mom.  She is the eldest of 5 and the only female.

Help!

[HopinAndPrayin]

Wow.  Big changes.  Did you get to ask her what prompted her changed perspective or wanting to heal the rift?  Is she actively in therapy and working on skills and emotion management?  If so, for how long?

Apparent competence can kick in for short bursts of time.  Can she keep consistent with managing her emotions and moods over a long period of time?

What would you gain by re-entering the relationship?  What would you potentially be giving up?  What work have you done for yourself to heal?

[roberto516]

Wow.  Big changes.  Did you get to ask her what prompted her changed perspective or wanting to heal the rift?  Is she actively in therapy and working on skills and emotion management?  If so, for how long?

Apparent competence can kick in for short bursts of time.  Can she keep consistent with managing her emotions and moods over a long period of time?

What would you gain by re-entering the relationship?  What would you potentially be giving up?  What work have you done for yourself to heal?

All valid questions for both of you. If this ever happened to me I would have to ask, in a way that couldn't be interpreted as demanding (which would be very hard), the following questions.

1. What have you been doing in terms of therapy?
2. What have you found out from therapy?
3. Where do you think we went wrong?
4. What could you do differently when those things go wrong?
5. What could I do differently when those things go wrong?
6. Have you made any changes to better manage when things have been going wrong in your life?
7. Have you learned how to communicate your feelings and anger? (I wouldn't say this one of course but just a kinda joke).

Yes, feelings are facts for someone with traits. So the feeling might be a longing which is the fact of wanting to be together. A part of me fears that she will go back to normal life and forget all about the longing, etc. which will leave you in a hurt spot again.

[formflier]

A few general principles.

Don't "set the bar" for her.  Said another way... .don't set the minimum.

Let her take the lead in actions.  This could be tough in your situation, because you seem like a traditional guy and most likely feel more comfortable in the roll of "pursuing" your wife... .vice letter her pursue you.

She walked away from her marriage and I would leave it up to her to "walk back to it".

Words can be hollow... .actions rarely are.


Can you tell us more about her caring for her mother?

A few principles there.  With 5 kids there is the opportunity to spread responsibility around.

I'm not saying that your wife should "abandon" the Mom... .but there must be a re-balancing if SHE DESIRES TO MARRY YOU.

It's one thing for her to say it... .it's another to do it. 

Said another way... .the "problems" she created by leaving the marriage and taking up with her family are hers... .she will solve them if she wants back.

If you want her back... .we can help you craft a message saying the door is open, but it's up to her to walk back in.

I hope this makes sense.

FF