Huge huge thank you to Formflier & Baby Ducks.
Based on the advice from both of you regarding the drama triangle I was in and the feedback regarding the role of the psychiatrist, I changed my thinking, and I feel way way better because of it.
Yesterday was incredibly hard. I had not seen my H since Monday. He'd been in touch to let me know he was "safe," but he didn't tell me where he was or when he was coming home.
First, based on Baby Ducks' observation about the mental health team being involved in the drama triangle, I stopped thinking of the P as someone who was making my life really hard. I started looking at her as someone who was challenging me to rethink my own role in what was happening.
Then based on Formflier's question on whether I could ask P what she was seeing in my H that I wasn't, I texted her about my not seeing H, not knowing where he was, and my being worried because I am his W. I then then asked what she was seeing in my H that I wasn't, and I outlined what I was seeing: his increased isolation, his not taking his meds for 3 days (that's what he told me, at least), and his secretiveness. And I suggested it may be time to work again as a team.
And then I let go of any expectation on her behavior. Whether she decides to work with me or not, it isn't my call.
Then... .My H came home. Some of what he told me, I know is true. Some I don't know. I do know he had to return a loaner car to the dealership in order to retrieve his own car. However, his car is broken and will cost more to fix than it is worth. The dealer recommended it may be time to look for a new car.
My H is quite attached to that car because his father gave it to him nearly 20 years ago. So, I knew the loss of the car was going to hit him hard.
I am not sure he really left his cats in the hotel room 100 miles away, as he told me. When I asked why he had left them, he said because he thought he'd be returning to the hotel and bringing them home later.
Per FF's suggestion, I kept emotion out of it: I said, "Yes, that makes sense." (For the record, I didn't think it made sense because I knew beforehand that his car was going to cost more to fix. The dealer had called me. I still looked at the statement from my H's POV and said what I said.)
Then H told me he had lost his wallet, meaning he had no money, no driver's license, no credit cards. (I don't know if this is true. I acted on the assumption that it was.)
Then H asked me to help him. (My impression of him, based on prior experience and observation, was that he was in a psychosis. It could be drug induced.)
Because I thought he was in a psychosis, I knelt down to his level (he was lying down), and I asked him, again no emotion, how he wanted me to help.
He wanted help getting his cats back. I asked what he thought would be the best way of doing that. (I stepped out of being his 'rescuer,' and stepped into, what I hoped, would be a collaboration of problem solving.)
He wanted me to drive him the 100 miles to retrieve his cats. I asked him when did he want me to do that. (Just so you know, this conversation did not go in a straight line. He kept getting derailed.) He wanted me to bring him last night. I told him I couldn't do that, but I could bring him on Monday. (I'm going out of town on Friday coming home on Sunday, and today I have appointments.)
H then said he could take the train. I told him I could take him to the train station, and then I went back to doing my own stuff to get ready for my trip and told him I'd be back.
When I got back, he was very angry at his father, threatened to "expose" him, then collapsed on the couch and told me he needed help.
This time, H told me he needed help because he thought he was getting worse. I agreed. And I told him regarding his health, my hands were tied because he'd told P not to discuss anything with me.
He veered off to going to retrieve the cats last night, told he could use Uber but not without money. We have a joint account, but he has thrown away that card, he said. Don't know if it's true. He asked if I had cash. I gave him all the cash I had, which was $80, to help him get back to his hotel. This action was based on my deciding he was telling the truth about the cards, and it was based on my deciding that if he wasn't telling the truth, I could afford the $80.
He again asked me to help generally. I again told him that my hands were tied regarding what I could and couldn't do. He told me I'd feel guilty when he died young that I'd gone after his P the way I had. I told him I wouldn't feel guilty; I'd done all that I thought possible. (Perhaps, probably in fact, I didn't need to say this. It's true, I won't feel guilty, but I probably didn't need to tell him that.)
Then I left, asking him to please fix his phone, so I could text him or phone because when he traveled and I couldn't reach him, I worried. (He periodically blocks me.)
Voila. He unblocked me without ever admitting he'd blocked me in the first place, and he emailed his P, copying me, that she could discuss anything about him with me.
As I said: A modicum of success, requiring energy, mindfulness, and a willingness to examine my own behavior.
How this unfolds with the P, with my H, I have no idea. However, based on FF and Duck's willingness to challenge some of my own behavior in this drama, I feel as if I handled things well yesterday.
Baby steps.
TMD
