She Filed For Divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been a while. I stopped browsing so I could clear my head up until two days ago.

She served me a divorce about two weeks ago. I received it at work.

I miss who I thought she was. The sex was great but she could never be true it seemed to one guy. There was always the triangulation. Makes me wonder how long before she reaches out to me now that she is engaged with serious suitor #2?

It seems like they almost always come back. I am half-expecting it when she claims she doesn't want any items or money of mine with the divorce. Thoughts?

[rosesarered777]

It's been a while. I stopped browsing so I could clear my head up until two days ago.

She served me a divorce about two weeks ago. I received it at work.

I miss who I thought she was. The sex was great but she could never be true it seemed to one guy. There was always the triangulation. Makes me wonder how long before she reaches out to me now that she is engaged with serious suitor #2?

It seems like they almost always come back. I am half-expecting it when she claims she doesn't want any items or money of mine with the divorce. Thoughts?

[Radcliff]

Hello rosesarered777,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this.  Would you say that you are ready to leave the relationship, or still conflicted?  If you are still conflicted, you may want to post on that board.

Regardless, you need a lawyer.  Even if you are conflicted, don't wait around -- it takes time to find a lawyer you feel good about, who is available, and who will serve you well.  Make the effort to find a good one.  Interview several.  But before you do that, read "Splitting," the book about divorcing someone with BPD.  Again, even if you are conflicted, being prepared will help you protect yourself (which is kind of obvious), but less obvious is that it will help make the turbulence less stressful, help you stay cool, and knowing you can handle whatever comes your way, you'll be able to be more effective at whatever course you choose (staying or going).

[rosesarered777]

Divorce is handled very differently here in Canada. It is no-fault. It will go through in less than 30 days.

I have no interest in moving back to live with her. Everything improved significantly once I moved back to my hometown except for my love-life. That is what I miss -- company with someone that I wasted 7 years of my life for it just to crash and burn. I always wanted to go out and enjoy the night-life, a night at the movies, etc. She wanted to stay at home and watch TV whilest drinking copious/dangerous levels of wine. I was very close to going to jail because she chose to attack me and then tell everyone that I was the aggressor. Her mental state must be getting worse.

I guess it bothers me still that I spent so much time with her to end up single again, to be blamed when I merely defended myself from a random act of violence and to be much older. Since she has a new guy and is engaged to him, I have no choice but to abandon the relationship much like she had done to me.

If I had someone new who I liked as much as her, I think I would be happier.

[Panda39]

... .when she claims she doesn't want any items or money of mine with the divorce. Thoughts?

Don't count on this... .hope for the best but plan for the worst.

I was very close to going to jail because she chose to attack me and then tell everyone that I was the aggressor. Her mental state must be getting worse.

Be careful here she's got a history of making false allegations she could do it again.

If I had someone new who I liked as much as her, I think I would be happier.

I know this is hard to hear right now and might sound trite, but I believe we make our own happiness it comes from within not from other people.  Try and focus on you, doing things for you... .love yourself.

Regardless, you need a lawyer.  Even if you are conflicted, don't wait around -- it takes time to find a lawyer you feel good about, who is available, and who will serve you well.  Make the effort to find a good one.  Interview several.  But before you do that, read "Splitting," the book about divorcing someone with BPD.

Very good advice even if divorces are handled differently than here in the US don't you think it would be wise to know your rights and have legal help in place should you need it?

I know none of this is easy and you are processing a lot, and there is a lot of change happening at once but try not to let it overwhelm you into shutting down.  It is important that you focus on you, what you need and protecting yourself.

Take Care,
Panda39

[rosesarered777]

She has already served me, claiming she wants nothing but the divorce. I really did love her -- I even told her mom after-the-fact that I loved her more than she would ever know. Sadly, I think the disorder comes from her mom's side of the family and her mom is ruthless and cold. Her mom hated me from the very beginning for no apparent reason.

It's sad but she has considerable health issues other than a declining mental state. I had to pick up the wreckage and live out the last 7 months of the lease alone. I have been focusing on myself but I feel like at 34 I should have everything rolling perfectly -- proper career, wife, kids around the corner, etc. I was on the verge of 2 of those things until everything went to Hell... .

[Radcliff]

Hello again rosesarered777,

Yes, the "Splitting" book is not so much about legal issues as the behaviors of pwBPD while going through the divorce process.  Issues of false accusations are definitely dealt with.  I would still highly recommend the book.  It sounds like a rough road, but the silver lining is that you're positioned for a fresh start.  Best of luck!

[Panda39]

Hi rosesarered777,

I know this is really hard, you are processing a lot and you are going to feel a lot of different things as you grieve, because that's what we do when a marriage or long term relationship ends.  There is love, confusion, sadness, anger, disappointment etc. but there can also be freedom, a new beginning, a different future, loving yourself.

Are you receiving any therapy at all?  It might be helpful at least in the short term to get support through this transition.  You might also want to post on the ":)etaching Board" if you haven't already for some support on the relationship side of things.

I'm from the US so I can't pretend to know the Canadian legal system and as hard as it is to focus on the legal side of things, I really want to encourage you to take care of you.  Talk with a Lawyer, at the very least know your rights, know what to expect, know how to protect yourself.  Your ex is saying she doesn't want your money and if you are lucky that's true but for many of us here an easy collaborative divorce is not what we've experienced and we want you to beware and be aware of what might happen (and I certainly hope high conflict divorce doesn't happen in your case).  Your stbx can have a change of feelings at anytime ore her words and actions might not be aligned... .says one thing does another.  Again I encourage you to at least sit down and talk with a Lawyer be as proactive as you can it will be so much easier than being in a reactive situation.

Take Care,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

You need to be aware that at any step along the process she could send zingers your way despite her current claims she just wants to call it quits.  Claiming you abused her.  Claiming you owe her money.  Claiming whatever.

So be very, very careful.  While she might not frame you for something bad, she could.  Protect yourself from being framed as an abuser or anything else nefarious.

However, her new love interest may have her idolizing him now and she may be fine with cutting you loose.  Sadly, without intensive therapy and hard work for years on her part, all super iffy to actually happen, she won't improve by much.  You were once idolized and now she's got someone else on the pedestal.  Very likely it's a pattern for her.  No matter how much you loved her, she will still walk her path elsewhere.  So let her go but meanwhile Do Protect Yourself From Predictable Risks until the divorce is Final.