Feeling Alone

[TigerFan]

I am at a loss for words my heart is so sad right now.  I am beginning to believe both my mother and sister have BPD and it is affecting EVERY ONE in our small family.  They are both constantly trying to control things.  They are not talking and my sister even wants to control her own children when it comes to seeing me because I have a relationship with my mother. Her children are grown... but, boy, can she make them (and me) feel guilty! I feel like I"m walking on eggshells all the time.  If I don't please them or do something they think I shouldn't do... they turn on me.  My husband thinks I should just realize it has always been this way and let it go... I can't seem to do that because (even with the BPD) I love them both.  I feel like I'm being tugged at from both sides!  I need to know I am not the only one dealing with this... I need help... .Am I right in thinking this is BPD?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Tiger-fan,

No need to feel alone, on this website. I do understand how traumatic the realisation that a family member has BPD can be. For me it was an epiphany (never had one of those before).

What you describe all falls into BPD like behaviour, but of course a true diagnosis requires much more data, and a qualified health practitioner. But either way, you can learn tools on her to help deal with this type of behaviour, so a diagnosis is not necessary.

I can see why your husbands point of just letting go, can be very hard. It’s not like you’ve just lost a job or a car, you’re having to realise you were suckered/attacked by the very people that should have protected you. There is a lot to get your head around, a lot to let go of. But accepting it is so, is normally the beginning of the recovery. I found this website very helpful in getting centred and validated. Do your sister and mother often invalidate you ? Have you had support from a Therapist ?

[MiloSpiral]

Hi TigerFan,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you're suffering so much right now. The conflicting feelings you describe of knowing your relatives are sick and hurting you, yet still wanting to be close to them, are normal and *valid.* Relationships are complicated. Relationships with ill people are even more complicated. Add any sort of abuse to that and--wow. Talk about *complicated.*

It's okay that you feel conflicted. It might be easier for your husband to make such clear compartmentalizations because he didn't grow up with your mom and sister, and so obviously doesn't have as much history with them, and didn't know them when they were (perhaps?) different, at some point. His response is a healthy one, and hopefully you will be able to get to that place eventually, where you accept that this is how your family members are and it has no bearing on who *you* are. We can still love and cherish the people who continue to hurt us. We can be angry at them, too.

What you are describing right now is grief. You are mourning the state of your relationships with your mother and sister as they are. Does that sound accurate?

And, by the way--it's easy for me to say "they will be who they will be, and eventually you'll accept that," but I still haven't accepted it. I posted earlier today about how frustrated and tired I was and how I didn't have any more room for empathy. And that was true. But, other days, I am more accepting, have more capacity for love, for understanding, and am okay with grieving. And still other days I am wracked with self-doubt and guilt. Grief is a process. Learning how to live with and appreciate our ill loved ones is a process. And that process is not a straight line.

Be kind to yourself. Recovery often begins with forgiveness--of our loved ones' transgressions, yes, but also of our own, especially against ourselves.

This article helped me a lot when I first joined this forum; I hope it will help you too. The site has a lot of great resources like this. Take a look: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Please take good care!

[TigerFan]

Thank you for your replies to my posts.  It is great to have a place to come to vent frustrations and gain help in healing.  I am reading a book right now called Walking On Eggshells which is exactly what I have had to do for many years... .Always afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing and all hell will break loose. I have always been the "fixer" in my family... but I'm tired of "fixing" the situation only to have it rear it's ugly head again.  I feel through this website I will gain insight and become more educated about BPD and how I can help and my mom, my sister(who I am having the most difficult time with), and myself... because what I'm doing now is not working.  Thanks for the support.

[MiloSpiral]

So glad to hear that this community is helping! And, that's a great book (in fact, I have it open next to me right now, and am also reading it for the first time!)

I understand your frustration about sisters. One thing I do wish this site had were more written resources aimed at those with BP siblings. It seems most of the resources under the umbrella of "Parents and Siblings" really only caters to those with parents. The skills and tools are largely the same, but the experience is very different. The good thing is, we have this whole community filled with people who have BP siblings, just like us, to help us cope, grieve, and validate our feelings.

Take good care. By reading and reaching out to those in the bpdfamily community you are taking your first steps towards advocating for yourself. That can be hard for anyone to do, but especially for someone affected by a BP! You're doing great. Reach out anytime.