Question: pwBPD - Emotional Intimacy and Romantic Inimacy

[thekenoshakid]

I need some insight on a situation that keeps repeating itself over and over again in the people I date... .

I was with a girl several years ago who had very strong cluster b personality traits. As far as I was aware, she was not formally diagnosed, but I would be certain that BPD and HPD were major contributing factors to her erratic behavior .

She explained to me a bit about her relationship dynamics, stating that she usually dated guys she had zero emotional chemistry with. She was fairly promiscuous, and told me that she was able to see these people because in actuality, they did not matter to her... .that when the relationship inevitably ended, there was no emotional loss on her part ~she was able to get over it in a heartbeat. She also stated that she was able to occasionally be romantic with friends (although this didn't happen too often).

When I came along, she told me she had no idea what to do with me, that I strongly blurred the lines between friend and romantic. The emotional connection we had was through the roof (we both knew this), and although she was able to allow herself sexual feelings for me, that situation scared her to death and she would often withdraw for periods after intimate connection. She said she only had this dynamic with one other person, and it was the same story - emotional intimacy made romantic intimacy nearly impossible to coexist side by side.

I have dated other girls where the emotional connection is amazing and suddenly, similar issues start to arise. Often, "I can only be your friend" comes up right after intimate situations have occurred... .mixed with anger, erratic behavior, and followed by a periods of distancing. Rinse and repeat, over and over until the relationship breaks.

Can someone explain why romantic intimacy and emotional intimacy seem to cancel each other out in these situations? It would really help to figure this out, especially regarding a current situation I am going through. In fact, one girl even told me she was able to turn her romantic feelings completely off for people she's emotionally connected to, which made my head spin - if you could shed some light on this, it would clear alot of the darkness out.

I also realize that alot of my relationships seem to be with woman who fall under the cluster b category, so some introspection is definitely in order for this guy! Any help and insight is much appreciated folks! I also have another thread going with a similar theme, but I felt it was time to be more specific!
  

[formflier]

This is a guess... .albeit an educated one.

What she wants most is what she fears most.

Imagine that you crave closeness... .as you start to get that... the "fear" of closeness starts raising up.  As the closeness starts moving farther away... .the craving comes back.  As you start to get closer... .

wash rinse repeat

Can you imagine how exhausting it is to be a person like that?

It sounds like you have experience being in relationship with people like that... .which is also exhausting.  I would guess it's far worse to be the person pushing and pulling.

Unlikely this is something you can "explain" to her... .keep this for your own understanding.

Is this the type of relationship you want?

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe I am reading this wrong but... .

I have heard it lots, that persons who feel they are not wanting a serious relationship, not wanting to fall in love, but want physical intimacy (aka sex) will intentionall choose folks they are not attracted to emotionally.  They often see this as a way to explore and keep a safer distance from getting hurt.

Idk, seems pretty common amoung all types of people.

The fact tho that someone is revealing their internal dialogue about this, presenting it as some inner crisis struggle or such... .that part seems a bit drama making to me.

I mean, I see no issue for someone to tell me they are not looking for an emotional connection, and that is it.  ... .but then to present some ongoing internal struggle as a layer of ongoing dynamic blanketing the relationship and being a part of the interactions, continuously bringing up constant ongoing uncertainty... .would be a bit much for me... .seems drama making to me.

[formflier]

It is likely either drama or a hook. 

Seeing if they can hook someone into believing they are "the one" that can be both...

FF