BPD + Extreme Anxiety

[cubs2016]

Hi All,

My wife has BPD with extreme anxiety and we have a 19 month old daughter. A love a lot of things about her and there are a lot of really difficult things too. But there are a few things I wanted to get others opinions on.

First she is extremely self aware. After her emotions stabilize she will often recognize what she did wrong and apologize. She also recognizes that her mom also has BPD and that she had an extremely destabalizing and insecure childhood which feeds all of this. She will say things like, "you are right I do need counseling" and send me articles about growing up with co-defendant parents.

Second she has extreme anxiety. I would say she is in a constant state of anxiety. Her most anxious topics are my cheating on her, our daughters health, her health and one distributing one - my harming of our daughter. In stable moments she acknowledges all of these are delusions but my life has been radically changed.

For instance I am not allowed to be alone with our daughter or not allows to be out with coworkers (lunch or after work) or travel for work. And right now I am leaving work early because my wife is scared about a blood test for my daughter.

She has been both physically and emotionally abusive at times but I had decided to stay with her because of her self awareness and desire to change. However she has refused to even entertain medication and hasn't committed  to finding a counselor.

Are these things normal? Abnormal?

[DaddyBear77]

Hi cubs2016

What you've written sounds very familiar to me, and I suspect a lot of others here as well. I wouldn't go so far as to say they're normal  but they are certainly common elements you'll find in many people's stories.

First of all, congratulations on being a dad! My daughter just turned 4 years old recently, and I fully remember when her age was counted in months. I love that little girl with all my heart as I'm sure you do, too. Which is why, for me, it is especially hurtful when my pwBPD makes any sort of allusion or accusation that I have, will, or might in the future harm my precious child. I think it's really great that you recognize the extreme anxiety as a primary factor in this and other topics. You are probably spot on here.

There's one other thing that really stood out for me in your post:

For instance I am not allowed to be alone with our daughter or not allows to be out with coworkers (lunch or after work) or travel for work.

We're all fellow sufferers on this board - we've all come here with similar problems. I will tell you that this idea that I'm "not allowed" to do certain things has has an extremely negative effect on my life AND the life of my 4 year old daughter. My physical, mental, and emotional health are all really suffering because I've handed over the power of deciding what I "can" and "can't" do to a person who has extreme difficulty making their OWN healthy decisions.

And finally, it takes a LOT of self awareness and personal strength to acknowledge BPD traits and seek treatment. We can safely say that a vast majority of people who suffer from BPD either don't attempt or are unsuccessful at attempts to treat the disorder. This, unfortunately, IS the norm. As much as we love them, there's very little we can do to affect this either way.

How does all this strike you? What are some things you'd like to see change in your relationship? Would you like to spend more alone with with your daughter? Would you like to go out occasionally with your co-workers?

Hopefully this is helpful, and I really look forward to hearing more of your story.

~DaddyBear77