9 months out, and not sure how to not hate her.

[Tosquinha]

You can see my previous posts about my story but long story short, woman previously married to a woman (2 1/2 years, together 7), she hit me in October.  Moved out in December.  Divorced in May, she brought her ex with her to court (the one who had been a thorn in my side all of that time).  She found out where I lived, kept showing up, using bills we both owe as an excuse to talk (I told her to leave correspondence in my mail box which is way down the street), using the kids as a reason to talk (I have mine, she has hers, she used her two grown kids as a reason to talk), and then last time she came here, July 11th, she used the grandson as an excuse to talk.  Finally fed up with telling her to leave me the f alone and stop showing up here, I went out screaming this time, telling her she needed to stop showing up here, I don't feel safe, my kids don't feel safe, I get anxious knowing she's just going to show up at some point... .when she told me she didn't have to leave and wasnt going to.  I called the police.  She did leave, but the police ticketed her for trespassing.  That feels awful.  I wish it never had to come down to that.  I just wish she could have left me alone.  She has court for the charge sometime next week, which I assume it will either be dropped for some stupid reason or she will plead not guilty and then I'll be summonsed at some point. 

I saw her today in the walmart parking lot.  We made eye contact.  No one said anything.  I shook my head and continued on in my car. 

I can't stand her.  I'm so mad and still so very hurt over something that would have never worked out anyway and yet, despite the issues, I loved her deeply.  A friend of mine said recently that only a person who loved someone so deeply can hate so deeply.  I really don't know how to get beyond that feeling of absoute disgust for her and at the same time that absolute hurt feeling.  I know that every. freaking. time. I see her, I want to rip her head off.  I won't, but I'm telling you, it is there.  I'm still just so mad.

She did the classic line someone up before creating issue with me way back last year, so she has moved on.  All this time I thought it was a certain employee of hers but turns out it wasn't... .it was a different employee... .who was my friend.  I, too, have moved on.  two month into a relationship with someone new and things are going well.  My friends all tell me I need to get out of this ___ty town.  Its a small town where everyone knows your business... .and well, her business, and I came here for her.  I have a job here but there's nothing holding me here anymore.  And contnuing to run into her or whatever kills me so... .

[valet]

Hey there Tosquinha, I don't think that there's anything wrong with being angry. It's a normal response to grief considering your situation and the fact that you see her around town.

It's nice to be able to have that physical space to detach but sometimes this isn't a luxury that we can afford.

That said, it might be a good time to reflect on the reasons for that anger so you can diagnose exactly what's going on. You know that you'll react a certain way when you see her (i.e. want to rip her head off), but you also know that there would be dire consequences for that type of behavior. So you're trapped in a cycle of anger without your preferred method of releasing those emotions, which makes you feel helpless and even more agitated. See where I'm going with this?

The next time you feel these feelings, try taking a step back and viewing things from someone else's eyes. She may still be finding ways to terrorize you, but you're incentivizing her actions by reacting in such a strong and predictable way.

If you take away the carrot there's no reason to punish the mule with the stick.

[Skip]

What is it that she wants to talk about when she connects with you?