I'm at a loss

[Harry1964]

Hi-
I have known my now-ex wife for 35 years...   During that time there have been many cycles of intense infatuation/sex and love.  I got a letter in the summer of 1996 which eventually caused a breakup with my current girlfriend.  The ex( I will call her just ex) was back full bore.  Whirlwind relationship, engaged and pregnant within 6 months.  We were both 33 at the time.  Marriage, baby, and then almost immediately the demeaning began.  I tried to deal with it as best I could.  Finally say an attorney who said I was being set up.
Came home one day and the house was empty and my 22 month old was gone.  Custody battle for 6 months, wound up being split evenly. 
Over the course of the next 10 years or so a quick infatuation/sex period(about a month) as many as 3 times a year.  Divorce finally happened and I was able to let her go, or so I thought.  Fast forward to last summer.  Picking daughter up at college.  She was all over me.  We had agreed to share a G rated motel experience.  Unbeknown to me she had made a reservation with only one bed.  All over me but said she wouldn't fool around with me.  I never had the intention.  Talked afterward about trying to work on things, but she just disappeared again.

This May picking up the daughter.  Had not seen ex in 6 months.  She hugs me. ?

Started texting a little and she started coming to the gym again.( A side note, the gym helped me lose 45 pounds so I'm looking pretty good)
Starts coming on to me; inviting me over, kissing me, telling me she was looking for a life partner.  I had heard she was seeing another guy so I said nothing until I wasn't in the middle.  Turns out there is yet another guy who she has sex with when she feels "lonely"  Froze her out.

10 days later a text wishing me happy birthday and wanting to plan something.  Told her nothing doing until she was willing to commit to monogamy. Said I was even willing to go to her therapist with her to work on it.
Meanwhile I am a mess but start reading online and learning what was happening to me.  Started a journal.  Started pulling away, starting to date.  She starts coming on strong again.

Am I nuts?  I have loved the woman since the first time I saw her and I want to be with her but don't know if I can handle it.
I have a strong feeling that I am supposed to be on "the Hook".  The current boyfriends know about each other and have been dumped and recycled at least twice each.

Run?  Be noncommittal? "Just be friends" and completely destroy my self esteem?

Hard not to be jealous

[Turkish]

Hello Harry1964,

I don't think you are nuts,  but are still in love with her. 

I want to be with her but don't know if I can handle it.
I have a strong feeling that I am supposed to be on "the Hook"... ."Just be friends" and completely destroy my self esteem?

Based upon how you may have been on "the Hook" as you say,  what,  over a decade ago?, she might be expecting you to meet her needs as in the past. And back then,  you probably met your needs as well, despite a conflictual custody battle,  yes?

Even so,  that was then,  this is now.  If I had to pick out one significant emotion here,  I'd say that you don't trust her.  Would that be accurate?

Turkish

[Harry1964]

Yes,
I would say that is pretty accurate.  We have been talking about honesty and how important that is.  She knows that I think less of her for lying then if she tells a truth that I don't want to hear, and I think she hears me.  But then she says something and all my alarm bells are going off.
I hate to doubt her, but sometimes... .?
If I could find a way to voice my concerns when the alarms go off instead of thinking about it continuously afterward.

[Lucky Jim]

hey Harry, What makes you think that your Ex has BPD?  I'm sorry to hear that you seem to have an on-again, off-again r/s.  What would you like to see happen?  We can't tell you what to do.  You are in charge of your life.  Let me ask you a question: If you got back together w/her, what makes you think the outcome would be different this time?  I wonder what has changed.

LuckyJim 

[Harry1964]

Hi Jim-
She has actually told me.  Maybe she did it in jest, but reading about the symptoms of BPD seems to confirm it.  On the plus side, I guess, she has been in therapy her whole life.
Now that the main stressor  to our interactions has grown and gone to college, it would be nice if we could try and figure it out.  She seems to want a similar outcome, but who knows.  We did have a very long talk this week about everything and are getting together again on Monday. I have been reading up on better ways to communicate ie SET and she seems to be a little more attentive to me.  There are some things that still need to happen, but maybe... .
 I do believe this is the end game for me though.  If it doesn't happen I believe I just have to end things completely, heal, and get on with my life.  The constant ups and downs are wearing me down.