Need support after repeated BPD sudden breakups and cutting off contact

[Will468]

My story is very similar to what Ive read now in book after book on BPD. My girlfriend, 38, and I'm 51, met a year ago. We truly had a tremendous amount in common and a precious connection. I've been lucky to have had great relationships with women and I know real love when I find it or thought I did... .

Three major sudden breakups in the last year, where she would suddenly become irrational, paranoid and even appear to lose touch with reality, and suddenly literally throw all of her clothes and things in my home into her car and leave, without a plan, money, or discussion after storybook romance, love, intimacy and friendship. Then completely cut off contact as if I didn't exist, we had no history, and then become terrified of me.

 I'm left emotionally devastated. Although I intellectually understand what's going on for my girlfriend, that doesn't help much emotionally.

The pattern of suddenly emotionally turning off towards me, suddenly having to break up, move out, without any explanation, emotional closure, and then cutting off all contact has been shocking and frankly terrifying.

My girlfriend was diagnosed with both BPD and PTSD over the last 8 months. She does not cut, no addiction, no promiscuity, and no suicide attempts. She has a history of difficulty with new relationships.

The last time she came back, we set up a care plan for her that involved DBT, a psychiatrist, contracts for her to go to a hotel instead of moving out when she became paranoid and wanted to run for the hills.

Why do BPDs freakout once the relationship gets stable and commitment is made?

Why do they cut off all contact after suddenly breaking up when things were going very well?
We didn't have conflict. The conflict occurred when she suddenly wants to end things and leave often moving out without money, family support, a plan or any adult considerations.

Does they miss the person they left? She appears not to.

How can I tell if she leaves due to BPD/PTSD symptoms or if she really suddenly had a huge change of heart?

The hardest part for me is feeling discarded, the splitting and sudden extreme narcissism and total indifference to the impact of her leaving and moving often far away to live with a friend, a family vacation home, etc. None of it makes sense.

And... .do BPDs ever really get well enough to be in an adult relationship?

Last, I've been in a long term marriage and had several good long term relationships with women.  I'd like to believe my girlfriend of nearly a year was truly in love with me, but if I didn't know about BPD, I would think she was some kind of manipulative narcissistic grifter.

I realize this is rambling, but I'm still in shock.

Last, I was the only one in her life who helped her get medical care and treatment. Her parents are dysfunctional. Her ex-husband has cut off all contact with her during a difficult divorce that started when she left her marriage to date me a year ago.

So I have a lot of fear for her safety now that she's disappeared again and suddenly moved out of state and treats me like a villain and refuses to stay in touch. It feels like either I was conned or she was kidnapped. There's no closure.

Thank you for an insights, suggestions on self care and how to honor what was real between us.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi, Sorry to hear what you are going through. I had a one year relationship like this and had no real closure at the end either. The first few months afterwards were the hardest, but it haunted me for a few years. With time I did get over it, and I think you will too. For now it is shocking, horrible, painful, and devastating, but you sound well equipped to recover - that's the good news here.

I am almost embarrassed now to say how hard this break up hit me at the time. It took me a few years to get there, but I was finally able to say "I dodged a bullet" by not ending up in that relationship. It would surely have been miserable. Time and meeting another person who was very stable and logical helped. When this too ended at least it was on good terms and we remain friendly.

It sounds like you had/have a lot of understanding and have done a lot to help. Don't let your logical brain turn into a pretzel trying to make sense of this, chalk some of it up to the unknown mysteries of life and the world. Logic won't work making sense of her responses, and that is where I think a lot of the pain of nons comes from. We expect certain kinds of typical responses and outcomes and logical patterns where they simply don't apply. Practicing non-attachment to such outcomes might help, might gradually release some of your pain.

Perhaps take comfort that you sound like a great person to be with. You've had a few relationships and maybe another one that can also meet your needs is just over the horizon? The only way you will be able to "save" this relationship is if she shows up in some way and participates in it. Perhaps her fears stem from engulfment? You are nice, it could work out, so she pushes it away? Perhaps it is a pushing away and testing boundaries? Breaking up with you before you can see how flawed she is and you break up and leave her? I am not sure. But abandonment seems to be a part of this.

I know your fears. I've had two partners with these traits. I've had the one guy disappear and show up again very sorry and wanting to restart, and I've had one disappear and simply never reappear. Both are painful! I think, especially given that you say she does not have all of the BPD traits that you (and all reading here, myself included) should be careful in thinking pwBPD are all the same, they really are not. So try not to be overwhelmed by all you read - it might apply, it might not. For example, my guy is not critical all the time and horrible. (He is quite nice and loving in the white phases, though a terror who will say anything in the black ones.)

Please allow yourself some peace. Take this time to think about what you want. Be proud of your long relationship history - sounds like you have made many others happy in your time together. Let life be. The pain comes from attachment to an outcome or expectation, letting go of outcomes and expectations can release some of the pain - with time. Take care!

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I hope that you find the same support, advice, and understanding here that I did.

Those are some deep questions that most all, if not all, of us have asked at one point or another Will468. You said that you've been reading about BPD. That's a great first step to answer those questions and in working toward understanding what has been going on and why.  You can read Understanding your partner's behaviors to get a bit more understanding.

Additionally, there are tools, lessons, and workshops on this site that will help you handle the situation better. Poke around, check out the links, and see what we have to offer.

I would also suggest that you read the posts of others on these boards. There is a great deal of wisdom found in the experiences of others. Keep posting and letting us know what is going on and how we can best support you.

[Will468]

 Thank you develop of you for your compassionate and insightful response. Not sure why I got some kind of a warning about my post. I wasn't asking if I should stay or leave, there is no relationship at this point. I think what haunts me the most is trying to understand how someone with BPD can be so close to someone and accept so much help   And then suddenly leave them and cut off all contact and not miss them or have any concern for them. It's not something I've ever experienced before.  This swing between empathy and total narcissism is really confusing. I would be really curious to hear someone with BPD discuss what this process is like for them internally.

[Whoad]

I would share my dingy... boat... same here... if you read my posts, I'm struggling with it all too... it's more than anything the BPD...

Mine actually is triggered, then develops a plan in secret, cons someone into taking her in, and then she leaves under the ruse of fictional story, vacation to see freinds, or to assure her sons well being with a new apartment with dad... she then sends a good bye text, don't contact me, I'm smothered, controlled, etc... .then she plays passive aggressive games on social media, new boy friend picks, etc... blah blah blah... then h o o v e r and then wants return to life back at home...

I am not sure why they run... anxiety, fear of being rejected if we truly find out who they "really" are... ?

I also hate the discard, I have seen this woman through two surgeries, court cases, and her self parental termination of child. I have been there through thick and thin as well.  I hate being split black and then given the silent treatment... it angers me to no end... the lies... she tells to leave... ughhh

So hang in there... we are all dealing with same feelings...

[Meili]

I am not sure why they run... anxiety, fear of being rejected if we truly find out who they "really" are... ?

These are actually the primary reasons, but how they get there is actually quite complex.

pwBPD feel emotions far more deeply than nons do. Imagine experiencing your worst fear and then magnifying that feeling 1000 times. It would be overwhelming wouldn't it?

Based on my understanding, there are two underlying fears at play with people who exhibit BPD traits: abandonment and enmeshment. When something happens, it can trigger one of these intense fears and the pwBPD responds with maladaptive behaviors. Some rage (project) and turn the feelings that they have about themselves outward. Some run and leave before they can be left. Some push those closest to them away and split them black (devaluation). Whatever the behavioral response, it is a reflection of what is going on inside of their heads.

To compound the problem with and because of the intensity of the emotions, what is real to the pwBPD is dictated by their emotions. By way of example, I have a fear of bridges. It's an irrational fear, but it is an intense fear. In my mind, even though I rationally know better, the bridge is going to collapse beneath me. If that fear were magnified 1000 times, my mind would convince itself that the bridge was going to, in fact, collapse. It would then become my reality. What's worse is that for pwBPD, their reality changes with their emotions. When afraid, that is one reality, but when calm, that is another reality, and when angry, still another reality. So, you could be the kindest person in the world in the mind of a pwBPD one moment and a monster the next. Both would be real to that person in their respective moments.

The intensity of the fears and creation of realities is what makes it so hard for the non to understand what the non is experiencing. It makes no sense that the pwBPD is accusing the non of shaving the cat when they don't even own a cat! OK, that was an extreme example, but you get the idea.