How do I bring up BPD with my Mother?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all.  I'm pretty new to this site.  I have a question that I'm sure someone has addressed on here, but I haven't come across it yet.  I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, whatever you want to call it, but I have researched this disorder exhaustively on my own.  Needless to say, I am pretty certain that my mother has BPD, and have been for a long time now.  Any time I have ever even mentioned the idea of this to her she loses it.  She is seemingly stuck on her issues being purely cause by PTSD (from her childhood upbringing) and/or Bipolar Depression (her newest flavor of the month medical title).  I don't know if she sees more of a stigma associated with BPD than the other two or what, but she flat out denies/refuses to admit even the possibility of having BPD.  My sister, wife, and I even all went with her to her counselor for a session once (one of the many she has had over the years) and the counselor herself said that PTSD and Bipolar depression both have very similar symptoms as BPD, and she would not hear of it.  My question is, how have you all approached the subject with your parent?  Did you talk about it specifically?   I feel that every counselor she goes to and starts to make progress with, that's when she says they are horrible and the worst counselor ever and then switches to a new one.  I'm just kind of stuck and don't know how to proceed with her? 

[lrcny]

Hi all.  I'm pretty new to this site.  I have a question that I'm sure someone has addressed on here, but I haven't come across it yet.  I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, whatever you want to call it, but I have researched this disorder exhaustively on my own.  Needless to say, I am pretty certain that my mother has BPD, and have been for a long time now.  Any time I have ever even mentioned the idea of this to her she loses it.  She is seemingly stuck on her issues being purely cause by PTSD (from her childhood upbringing) and/or Bipolar Depression (her newest flavor of the month medical title).  I don't know if she sees more of a stigma associated with BPD than the other two or what, but she flat out denies/refuses to admit even the possibility of having BPD.  My sister, wife, and I even all went with her to her counselor for a session once (one of the many she has had over the years) and the counselor herself said that PTSD and Bipolar depression both have very similar symptoms as BPD, and she would not hear of it.  My question is, how have you all approached the subject with your parent?  Did you talk about it specifically?   I feel that every counselor she goes to and starts to make progress with, that's when she says they are horrible and the worst counselor ever and then switches to a new one.  I'm just kind of stuck and don't know how to proceed with her? 

[DaddyBear77]

Hey Ircny - welcome to the family - I'm really glad you asked that question, because it DOES come up in many contexts here.

First, let me say I haven't personally approached my mother regarding BPD or any other potential diagnosis. The truth is, I would be way too frightened to do so - that's not a good reason in and of itself, but it's an honest assessment of how my relationship has developed with my own mother. It sounds like you've come a lot further than I have - you've worked with other family members and have even gone to counseling with her. However, the point I hope to make here is that examining our own reasons for wanting a parent or other loved one to seek treatment should be a primary thought on our minds.

We have a workshop and an article on this very subject that might help you:

Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD


I hope that others here might have some personal stories to help you as well.

~DaddyBear77

[Skip]

A DaddyBear77 points out, Xavier Amador urges family members and mental health professionals to understand that collaboration with treatment by someone who has a severe mental illness is a goal, not a given.

According to Amador, professor in Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, denial is a powerful deterrent to recovery in mental illness. What is often thought to be immaturity, stubbornness, and defensiveness is a much more complex and difficult problem. His book talks about how delicate a process this is, as well as do's and don'ts. Amador has written about getting people with serious mental illness to accept treatment in a book he coauthored with Anna-Lisa Johanson titled, I am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help: A Practical Guide for Families and Therapists, https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

It is important instead to develop a partnership with the patient around those things that can be agreed upon.

Amador said that family members and clinicians should first listen to the patient's fears.

Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patients delusional beliefs is also important, remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.

The most difficult thing for family members to do in building a trusting relationship, he said, is to restrict discussion only to the problems that the person with mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others.

[lrcny]

Thank you DaddyBear77.  I agree.  The thought of approaching her about having BPD scares the crap out of me as well.  Every time I think about doing it, I just think about how off the handle she would go.  She comes from a medical background (pharmacist), so she also thinks she knows more than anyone about everything under the sun on the medical subject whether it's about pharmacy or not, so that added little tidbit has made it extremely difficult in the past to try to bring anything up treatment wise.  Especially when it comes to medicines.  Her go to line is "you're not a dcotor, so don't try to diagnose me!"  I will definitely take a look at those resources you provided as well.

Skip - It's funny how you mentioned how saying "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.  My mom is saying all the time when it comes to her living alone, her numerous supposed medical issues, what have you, that she just needs her family near her and for us to tell her we understand what she's going through.  This, of course, is the last thing any of us want to do, due to how she has treated us over the last decade or so.  I'm really starting to think an extended period of no contact may be needed at some point.  Block Facebook, texts, phone calls, etc... .to let things kind of cool off.  I will check out the link you supplied as well.  Thank you!