Want to help SD with BPD parent (s?)

[MiaP]

Hi,

My step daughter, 15, currently lives with me. I’ve been posting in the break up crises board as I’m still strugling with breaking up from my BPD father. Not really sure where to post this but here goes:

I want to help her cope with her dad’s behaviour but at this point I don’t really know what to do anymore. She doesn’t want to see a terapist which I believe would be helpfull. I try to explain some of her father’s actions so that she doesn’t take them so personally but of course it’s hard for her to understand.

I’ve been looking for books or other resources that would help her but I’m not sure if they are appropriate for a teenager; it seems most material is for adults. She is quite mature for her age but she is sort of trying to block her father, and everything to due with him, out.

She doesn’t have much contact with her mother. Lately there’s been this thought in the back of my mind: can she possibly be BPD too? Ever since I remember she has treated her daugther as if she is an adult, teeling her completely inappropriated things, being very cruel at times by teasing her for some of her phycal atributtes, critising her and even making fun of her. However, the most striking for me and what I’ve witnessed myself is that she was always very neglectfull of her daugther and abandoned her. She hardly ever took her home. I’ve seen her look at her daughter, when she was only a small child wanting to be with her mother and she would just dismiss her and not take her home, leaving her with her father, her grandparents, basically anyone that would take her.

Lots of doubts in my mind but I guess what I would like to know most at this time is what would be helfull, what can I tell her, or do that will help her cope with all this?

[Turkish]

Hi MiaP,

You sound like a great mom,  wanting to do what's best for her   

It's too bad that she isn't receptive to counseling (I had similar feelings at that age). You can,  however,  continue to offer her support. This book can be of help to you:

The Power of Validation (for parents) - Karyn D. Hall, PhD

Many of us here have found it immensely helpful talking to our kids. 

I think of myself as a good validator, and I've always been good with kids  (I was an at-risk teen youth mentor before I met my ex), but I picked up a lot from this book.

The communication tools in Lesson 3 on the Improving Board are meant for pwBPD, but they work on anybody.  I'd suggest looking there as well (SET, validation).

It sounds like you're already a safe and trusted adult to her,  and being heard is one of the number one things that teens need... .which they take as being both valued and loved. 

[MiaP]

Hi Turkish,

thank you for your kind words.

She was in terapy once (after her parents slit up) and not so long ago she was the one who came to me asking to go see that same terapist when her father moved out of our house. Unfortunately now, it's as if she feels that this is such a bad situation that no one can help her... .

I will check out the book and the tools.