The road ahead

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Good morning from a humid South Korea.

I am married to, what I believe to be, a BPD wife and we are just now entering pre-divorce negotiations.

My wife has not been officially diagnosed. She is currently in counseling with a psychologist specializing in suicidal clients, after two failed suicide attempts.

I am finding it hard to write about this, since it is an emotionally laden subject and the wounds are still fresh. We have been married for 14 years and the road has been rocky. It took me almost 5 years to convince her that something was wrong with our relationship, and then we looked at PMDD as a cause for her behaviour, since it was worst during her hormonal changes. She started taking vitamins and other medication to manage PMDD, and she was satisfied with the diagnosis. The problem is that the duration and frequency of her episodes do not match PMDD, so I kept looking for other causes. I considered schizophrenia, bipolar, psychopathy, sociopathy and other disorders, but most of them fit some of her behavior, but not all. Then a friend mentioned BPD and after I did some research, I had finally found a match.

I have to admit here that I have become violent in reaction to her violent outbursts and irrational behavior. That was why I felt the need to find my own apartment a few years ago. I was afraid that I may lose it and kill her. I also had an affair. I could tell you why I did it, but it won't change the fact that it was a crappy thing to do. That being said, it saved me. I was finally cured of a crippling belief that she was treating me the way she did, because of something I was doing.

I know most of what there is to know about her past, and all there is to know about her present. The problem is that where we are now in the deteriorated state of our marriage, she will not listen to me. Not that she ever really did.

The reason I am writing here, is because I am worried about our children. In spite of her behavior, they love their mother. The problem is that she has tried committing suicide twice and she has started acting sexually promiscuous and taking unnecessary risks around the children.

I have tried talking to her about it, but she refuses to address my concerns regarding the children. We are currently living in Korea, but we are originally from South Africa, and she wants to take the children back home with her after the divorce. I cannot see myself allowing that, knowing what I know about her past behavior.

My question is this: Is it possible for someone suffering from BPD to get control over their behavior to such a degree that they can be a responsible parent? My fear is that without me, she may lose it completely and start treating the children the way that she used to treat me. If I am not there to take the brunt of her anger, will she transfer it to the kids? My daughter is 11 and she is entering puberty. My wife is already becoming more antagonistic towards her and I have been seeing behavior in my daughter which I find extremely worrying. She is hyper sensitive to my wife and does everything in her power to avoid upsetting her. My son is 8, so he is still the baby, but he has been exhibiting worrying behavior as well. I do not know if that is because of his age, because of the situation with his mother or because I am not there. I am living separately from them and the kids come over to my place every second weekend.

I am wrecking my brains trying to work out the best situation possible, but it is not a simple situation. I have cut off all contact with my wife recently, and it feels like a huge burden has been lifted from me, but I constantly worry about my children. I contact them at least twice a day, but I am still worried. I don't trust my wife.

Even a little guidance from someone who has been in a similar situation would help a lot. The people in our community do not know what is going on. They don't know what my wife is capable of. She does a very good job of hiding her true nature. That makes this struggle a very lonely one and any help would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

[CanisLupus]

Good morning from a humid South Korea.

I am married to, what I believe to be, a BPD wife and we are just now entering pre-divorce negotiations.

My wife has not been officially diagnosed. She is currently in counseling with a psychologist specializing in suicidal clients, after two failed suicide attempts.

I am finding it hard to write about this, since it is an emotionally laden subject and the wounds are still fresh. We have been married for 14 years and the road has been rocky. It took me almost 5 years to convince her that something was wrong with our relationship, and then we looked at PMDD as a cause for her behaviour, since it was worst during her hormonal changes. She started taking vitamins and other medication to manage PMDD, and she was satisfied with the diagnosis. The problem is that the duration and frequency of her episodes do not match PMDD, so I kept looking for other causes. I considered schizophrenia, bipolar, psychopathy, sociopathy and other disorders, but most of them fit some of her behavior, but not all. Then a friend mentioned BPD and after I did some research, I had finally found a match.

I have to admit here that I have become violent in reaction to her violent outbursts and irrational behavior. That was why I felt the need to find my own apartment a few years ago. I was afraid that I may lose it and kill her. I also had an affair. I could tell you why I did it, but it won't change the fact that it was a crappy thing to do. That being said, it saved me. I was finally cured of a crippling belief that she was treating me the way she did, because of something I was doing.

I know most of what there is to know about her past, and all there is to know about her present. The problem is that where we are now in the deteriorated state of our marriage, she will not listen to me. Not that she ever really did.

The reason I am writing here, is because I am worried about our children. In spite of her behavior, they love their mother. The problem is that she has tried committing suicide twice and she has started acting sexually promiscuous and taking unnecessary risks around the children.

I have tried talking to her about it, but she refuses to address my concerns regarding the children. We are currently living in Korea, but we are originally from South Africa, and she wants to take the children back home with her after the divorce. I cannot see myself allowing that, knowing what I know about her past behavior.

My question is this: Is it possible for someone suffering from BPD to get control over their behavior to such a degree that they can be a responsible parent? My fear is that without me, she may lose it completely and start treating the children the way that she used to treat me. If I am not there to take the brunt of her anger, will she transfer it to the kids? My daughter is 11 and she is entering puberty. My wife is already becoming more antagonistic towards her and I have been seeing behavior in my daughter which I find extremely worrying. She is hyper sensitive to my wife and does everything in her power to avoid upsetting her. My son is 8, so he is still the baby, but he has been exhibiting worrying behavior as well. I do not know if that is because of his age, because of the situation with his mother or because I am not there. I am living separately from them and the kids come over to my place every second weekend.

I am wrecking my brains trying to work out the best situation possible, but it is not a simple situation. I have cut off all contact with my wife recently, and it feels like a huge burden has been lifted from me, but I constantly worry about my children. I contact them at least twice a day, but I am still worried. I don't trust my wife.

Even a little guidance from someone who has been in a similar situation would help a lot. The people in our community do not know what is going on. They don't know what my wife is capable of. She does a very good job of hiding her true nature. That makes this struggle a very lonely one and any help would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

[ForeverDad]

There seldom, if ever, is a 'perfect' time to end a marriage  Maybe the phrase ought to be "less bad" time to take necessary action.  Does that help?

Her suicidal tendencies are of serious concern.  Make you you have and keep documentation of these events and the therapies.  If/when there is a divorce case started, she will doubtless try to hide her past history of mental illness.

In my country (USA) many divorces which involve BPD (or other acting out PDs) never get a diagnosis in family court.  Court is generally not interested in seeking a medical or mental health diagnosis, it instead focuses on the behaviors and behavior patterns.  Be conscious of that, however, if you have one documented it may help.

You can't fix her.  Neither can the children.  She has to work on herself and that means seeking professional therapy, diligently applying herself to the therapy and doing for years, often the rest of one's life.  She may improve but no one can say for sure or how much.  It has been noted that those who are less entitled (narcissistic?) could listen and apply therapy when others who are controlling and demanding won't.

Some will respond here asking where you are, do you want a divorce or do you want to keep trying?  If so, how long will you keep trying?  Ponder too what example that sets for the children.  While speaking with the children daily is helpful, how frequent and how long is your personal time with them?  Besides the impact of your healthier example on them, I'm also concerned about how it would appear to the court if you're willingly allowing the children to be with their mother a lot or even majority time.  In my area the only question asked when we separated was what our work schedules were.  I had a regular work schedule and so she got temp majority time and temp custody.  The magistrate totally ignored that fact that she was facing a trial in another court for Threat of DV against me.  So be aware that a history of majority time will benefit that parent.

[CanisLupus]

Thank you, Foreverdad.

I have another question: I called the police both times she attempted suicide. The second time she was admitted into hospital so there are police and hospital records. Will that be enough evidence to win me physical custody of my children?

At the moment my children lives with her and I get to see them every second weekend. This is because of her proximity to school and my work schedule. Would the fact that she spends more time with them mean that I may not be able to get physical custody of them, despite her two attempted suicides and promiscuity?

For me to take care of them full time, I will have to change my work schedule, which is possible but complicated because of the nature of my business and business hours.

Please advise. Thank you.

[Ilovemylife]

I'm a physician and have 4 small children under 8. I filed a year ago and my BPD ex is making life hell. I've changed my life to spend as much time work my kids as possible.  And when not with kids I'm working and on call. Sometimes I believe they should make a movie of my life. It's overwhealming. But they are my kids and leaving them with the devil is not an option. Please try to change your schedule and help your kids. They need you. Get all thoughts of coparenting out of your head because from my research it is not possible with a BPD ex. Start a new life knowing you're a cancer survivor however you will always be in fear of the cancer coming back.

[ForeverDad]

It is not so much co-parenting - near impossible as Ilovemylife wrote - as setting firm boundaries on what your parenting will be.  Your spouse won't allow that but fortunately court is the Real Authority and is somewhat "less unfair" than your ex.

If you set the terms or healthy boundaries and don't let your ex steamroller them then you can parent well.  Not easy, not simple, but you can accomplish more than you think or fear.

[CanisLupus]

Thank you, Ilovemylife and Foreverdad.

Coming to grips with what I need to do is hard. I want a 'normal' life for my kids, and I think I am the only person in this whole mess that knows it won't be possible. My wife's family knows of her outbursts and behavior, but they don't seem to realize that this is a clinical problem and not just 'acting out'. My family supports me, but I think they find it hard to relate the woman they know to the woman I know. It is not too surprising if you keep in mind that my wife herself denies that she has a real problem.

There are some tell-tale signs though. She is incapable of making friends with her peers. The only crowd she can hang out with, and have found lovers among, is the young drinking crowd. It worries me because it means that she has no real support where we live. And I am worried that could make things worse for my kids. I am scared of what this process could do to the kids. My wife is unpredictable and highly volatile and any kind of stress can set her off. She doesn't care if what she does upsets the kids when she is in that state.

There is a good person in there somewhere, but she has no power over the crazy one that rules the roost.

[ForeverDad]

There is a good person in there somewhere, but she has no power over the crazy one that rules the roost.

Well, the reality is that you have to deal with the crazy one.  You can't feel sorry or give an advantage to the missing good person, otherwise you would be sabotaging yourself and your children.

Maybe some year she will seek therapy, apply it diligently in her life and behaviors, and make solid progress, proving it over a span of years.  However, until that unlikely event occurs, you have to be the stable parent in the family.  Court assumes both parents are adults and seldom if ever tries to change them.  What it does is address them more or less as they are, though mothers do often get a hall pass on poor behaviors, well, until the court eventually gets peeved.

So that is good advice to you also... .regard her as she is, not as you wish her to be.  Remember, the concept that she is both good and bad, or sometimes good and often bad, is likely to leave you confused as she morphs back and forth and make you less able to address the issues clearly, proactively and strategically.

[CanisLupus]

Thank you for the advice and support, Foreverdad and Ilovemylife.

I appreciate it. I know you are right, Foreverdad, but it is hard for me. My biggest strength, and weakness, is that I play fair. It is hard for me to do otherwise, even though I know my wife doesn't.

I used to have a recurring nightmare when I was still sleeping next to her. I would dream a big black dog would attack me. I did not know this dog, and I didn't do anything to it, but it would attack me with such pure hatred in its eyes, that it would leave me breathless. I am not afraid of dogs. I am really fond of them, and I would beg this dog to stop, because I didn't want to hurt it. But it wouldn't. It hated me with such a vengeance that it couldn't. I would usually wake up with the dog still attacking me. One night I had had enough and I broke its neck. It was easy and I felt guilty afterwards, but I felt it left me no choice. This is how I feel about my wife. I know there is someone suffering immensely behind the hatred and the rage, and it is hard for me to hurt her. But I can't take any more mindless violence; physical or otherwise. Taking the kids from her may destroy her, but I find the alternative far worse.

Part of the reason I started fighting back, was because I didn't want the kids to become used to her treating me like that. Not just for my sake, but also for the sake of future relationships they may have.

The thought of what it would do to her, breaks my heart, because there is someone in there that I used to love, but you are right. I know you are.