My estranged BPD sister has MS

[Survivor35]

I'm in dire need of support. My sister and I have not spoken in many years. I can't begin to describe the level of abuse I endured growing up as a result of her BPD. I always longed for a sibling relationship, but I refuse to dedicate my emotions (or disrespect my own boundaries) to someone who has told me they wish I was dead my whole life. As a result of the abuse - My self protection mechanisms as an adult have molded me into a very isolated and removed person. About 7 years ago she was diagnosed eith MS. I still have not spoken to her (nor has she spoken to me)... .I feel like a terrible person and no one understands my emotional dilemma... .am hoping there is someone on this site who understands where I'm coming from. The people I've reached out to for support (who know nothing about BPD react like I'm a monster.

[Mutt]

Hi Survivor35,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily   I'm sorry that you went through a difficult childhood. BPD behaviours are directed at the people that are closest to a pwBPD, onlookers may see some things but can't connect with you on the same level as someone that has gone through a similar experience. For example.

If someone has not gone through a divorce they're not going to understand what it feels like going through a divorce, they can show sympathy but ut's hard to empathize.

You can describe your experience with others like you here. This is a platform wher you can share your thoughts and feelings without being judged or invalidated for having them. You're not alone.

[Lilacs]

Survivor35
I think this is the awful awful dilemma when there is a person w BPD in your life. And esp when there is no contact. Bc you are family you know things about each other through relatives and it's hard to ignore. I completely hear you. My sister went nc with me. Then she got engaged. She told my husband she was engaged. She didn't tell me. She did invite us to her wedding. But after for a couple of years I wondered if she was pregnant since I knew she wanted more than her own 2 and her 4 stepchildren. I just had to let it go. It was hard to hear mom and dad talk about her. It's been 5 years since she went NC with me, 2 years since we started back LC. But I think I have decided that she is just too toxic to have in my life. It just hurts too much. When I reached out to her and we went LC 2 years ago, I intentionally kept a distance from her and her kids. As anticipated, she went NC with me again. This time it doesn't hurt.

I guess you have to consider whether it's worth it to reach out or not.  You have to weigh that nagging feeling to reach out against what might happen if you do. Will it disrupt your peace of mind?  Or would it give you peace of mind.

Stay strong.
Lilacs

[MiloSpiral]

Hi Survivor35, and welcome! I hope that you will find the validation you are looking for here on these message boards.

I agree completely with what Lilacs said about considering if it's worth it for YOU. Are you reaching out out of a sense of sisterly obligation, deeply-ingrained guilt, OR because you want to reconnect with your sister and repair the relationship? Remember, you are not in any way responsible for the feelings of others, or the diseases of others, debilitating as they may be. It's very sad that your sister has been diagnosed with MS. That doesn't change the fact that she emotionally abused you growing up, and those wounds still haven't healed.

One of my favorite blogs about interpersonal relationship often calls out a pattern of guilt enacted by those who don't understand what it's like to have an emotionally abusive relative. The author describes it as this: "but faaaaaaaaamily." As in, those who don't understand, don't know about, or haven't experienced the abuse you went through will call upon the age-old "blood is thicker than water" belief that many of us have been raised on: it doesn't matter what your sister has done in the past, because she's suffering right now and as her sister, it's your duty to reach out to her, because faaaaaaaaamily, right?

Nope!

Every day people are born into families that don't suit their needs, every day people struggle to live peacefullly with siblings or parents who have fundamentally different living styles, and every day people like you endure emotional abuse from their siblings or parents or close relatives or caregivers. Just because she is your sister does not mean she is entitled to your emotional energy.

Okay, harsh part aside... .

It is very natural and understandable for you to feel sad about the sibling relationship you never had, and guilty that you have not contacted your ill sister. Those feelings are being reinforced by unsupportive people in your life, and that sucks. At least now you have good information about their ability to be an emotional support network for you. As much as my sister has hurt me, it still pains me to know that she's effectively homeless right now. I describe it to myself this way: "I'm glad that my parents set a boundary with my sister regarding her living at home. I'm not glad that she's homeless."

Could you reframe your feelings around your sister's situation similarly? Are there other, trusted people you could talk to about this, who would hold your feelings with care? Do you have a therapist?

Another thing: who instated the NC, you, or your sister? If it was your sister, it seems from her silence that she continues to not want contact with you. If it was you--again, you are entitled to that boundary.

(Also, here's the blog I was talking about, in case you're interested: www.captainawkward.com )

[Insom]

Are you considering reaching out to your sister, or has she reached out to you?  What type of support do you feel would help most right now?