The relationship feels like it's finally over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This may be the last post I make on this board. It may be the last one I make on any board for a while.

I haven't heard from my ex since yesterday morning and I don't feel it is my place to contact her any longer. She continues to be in crisis, whether that means suicidal or not I don't know. I daresay she will contact me again on Sunday evening as she did the last time she disappeared for 3 days. I hope that she is ok and getting the help she needs.

I have been so focused on her mental health that I have neglected my own wellbeing for the last few weeks. Yesterday I had something of a meltdown. Felt restless, angry and emotionally unstable. Today has been a better day and I've been talking to my wife about a work issue and generally making sure I am present in the relationship. I miss physical intimacy but beyond that I have everything I need in my r/s with my wife. What I really don't miss is the emotional volatility and desperate co-dependency the affair created in me. Nor do I miss the subterfuge and lying to my wife. I am on the same path now as when I stopped drinking. The long term goal? Sanity, emotional sobriety and moral rectitude.

I have been on a real journey of discovery during my time in this forum. I have uncovered things about my character and my responses under pressure that I knew were there but didn't know how to deal with before. Perhaps I have learnt more compassion and empathy for other people's point of view and for those suffering from mental illness. However, I have to be honest and say that getting involved with somebody who has a personality disorder (albeit undiagnosed) has been one of the most devastating experiences of my life. I have rarely felt so powerless in life as dealing with the emotional morass that comes with this profoundly shattering condition. I feel for anybody who suffers from BPD and I feel desperately sad for all of those people who have had a r/s with a pwBPD and did not understand what they were dealing with. It is an all encompassing condition which changes everything we know about how to conduct a r/s.

I would like to thank everybody who has helped me on here. I know you all understand the stress I have been experiencing in dealing with a pwBPD who has said she is suicidal and who told me she tried to take her own life some months ago.

I need a little break from the trauma of it all and will take the weekend to try to relax and get back to enjoying life a little. I will be back, hopefully not with another dimension to the crisis but to help others and give back what has been given to me.

RF

[RomanticFool]

This may be the last post I make on this board. It may be the last one I make on any board for a while.

I haven't heard from my ex since yesterday morning and I don't feel it is my place to contact her any longer. She continues to be in crisis, whether that means suicidal or not I don't know. I daresay she will contact me again on Sunday evening as she did the last time she disappeared for 3 days. I hope that she is ok and getting the help she needs.

I have been so focused on her mental health that I have neglected my own wellbeing for the last few weeks. Yesterday I had something of a meltdown. Felt restless, angry and emotionally unstable. Today has been a better day and I've been talking to my wife about a work issue and generally making sure I am present in the relationship. I miss physical intimacy but beyond that I have everything I need in my r/s with my wife. What I really don't miss is the emotional volatility and desperate co-dependency the affair created in me. Nor do I miss the subterfuge and lying to my wife. I am on the same path now as when I stopped drinking. The long term goal? Sanity, emotional sobriety and moral rectitude.

I have been on a real journey of discovery during my time in this forum. I have uncovered things about my character and my responses under pressure that I knew were there but didn't know how to deal with before. Perhaps I have learnt more compassion and empathy for other people's point of view and for those suffering from mental illness. However, I have to be honest and say that getting involved with somebody who has a personality disorder (albeit undiagnosed) has been one of the most devastating experiences of my life. I have rarely felt so powerless in life as dealing with the emotional morass that comes with this profoundly shattering condition. I feel for anybody who suffers from BPD and I feel desperately sad for all of those people who have had a r/s with a pwBPD and did not understand what they were dealing with. It is an all encompassing condition which changes everything we know about how to conduct a r/s.

I would like to thank everybody who has helped me on here. I know you all understand the stress I have been experiencing in dealing with a pwBPD who has said she is suicidal and who told me she tried to take her own life some months ago.

I need a little break from the trauma of it all and will take the weekend to try to relax and get back to enjoying life a little. I will be back, hopefully not with another dimension to the crisis but to help others and give back what has been given to me.

RF

[patientandclear]

This is a brave, honorable, self- and other-respecting course. It will be rocky at times but also rewarding, and you know WHY it will be rocky, which makes a ton of difference in how one responds. Much respect, RF.

[Skip]

However, I have to be honest and say that getting involved with somebody who has a personality disorder (albeit undiagnosed) has been one of the most devastating experiences of my life. I have rarely felt so powerless in life as dealing with the emotional morass that comes with this profoundly shattering condition. I feel for anybody who suffers from BPD and I feel desperately sad for all of those people who have had a r/s with a pwBPD and did not understand what they were dealing with. It is an all encompassing condition which changes everything we know about how to conduct a r/s.

BPD is no panacea.  

The upside is that what you are learning in all of this can be leveraged to make your marriage better. These tools, work in all relationships.

I'd speculate that if you put your marriage on the table here, you would likely find ways to open doors you haven't opened before.

On many levels you have been emotionally unavailable to your wife for a very long time and that has affected more than you know. If you start to slowly reaching out and taping into that intimacy (not talking about sex here, but it is a part of it) you may be surprised.

I would guess you wife needs a heavy and sustained dose of non-sexual intimacy and if that takes, your relationship may very well go to new levels.

Ever see a women who is tight in one relationship, light up in another?  It's often the non-sexual intimacy.

[RomanticFool]

P&C,

This is a brave, honorable, self- and other-respecting course. It will be rocky at times but also rewarding, and you know WHY it will be rocky, which makes a ton of difference in how one responds. Much respect, RF.

Thank you for your kind words. It feels exactly like getting sober ie recovering from an addiction. I think I have already gone through the worst of it. I am lucky that I didn't wreck my marriage completely. Things could have been much much worse. I am feeling more gratitude about that by the day. Thanks to these boards and the people here.

[RomanticFool]

Skip,

The upside is that what you are learning in all of this can be leveraged to make your marriage better. These tools, work in all relationships.

These are definitely life skills. Dealing with people fairly when feeling emotional volatility is definitely something I have learnt here.

I'd speculate that if you put your marriage on the table here, you would likely find ways to open doors you haven't opened before.

Yes, maybe I will do that. There are aspects of my relationship that I need to examine closely.

On many levels you have been emotionally unavailable to your wife for a very long time and that has affected more than you know. If you start to slowly reaching out and taping into that intimacy (not talking about sex here, but it is a part of it) you may be surprised.

I think in some ways my wife is comfortable with emotional distance. That's not to say she wouldn't respond to my advances because I think she would. I have started talking to her more and creating a closer psychological r/s.

I would guess you wife needs a heavy and sustained does of non-sexual intimacy and if that takes, you relationship may very well go to new levels.

Ever see a women who is tight in one relationship, light up in another? It's often the intimacy.

We do kind of have a non sexual intimacy. We are very fond of each other and cuddle up on the sofa. We share alot about our day to day lives, so there is a strong bond between us. Whether you would describe that as intimacy. I'm not sure.

The real issue is that we sleep in separate rooms due to my wife having sleep issues. She said if I get a new bed she will return to our shared room. So that will have to be the first step. The second step is to deal with the fact that in my head my attraction to my lover was all powerful. I need to find a way around that with my wife.

[formflier]

 

Be deliberate about acts of kindness to yourself.   

Very brave and vulnerable of you to open up here.  That is a wonderful character trait.  Something to build on.

FF

[RomanticFool]

Be deliberate about acts of kindness to yourself.   

Very brave and vulnerable of you to open up here.  That is a wonderful character trait.  Something to build on.

Thanks FF. I think at the age of 54 I've built as far as I can. May have to carry on the good work in the after life!

[RomanticFool]

As predicted I heard from my ex tonight. I am being kind and gentle with her as has been suggested. It is difficult hearing form her whenever she feels like it and in the old days it was a source of anger for me. Since I have made the decision to focus on my marriage, the interactions feel more objective now. Anyway here is the conversation. I am less interested in validation rather than the state of her mental health:

Her: You looked very sad in your photo on FB
Me: Did I? I was out on Saturday and feeling tired. I didn't post the picture.
Her: I hate to think of you being sad
Me: I'm ok but thank you for thinking of me. I am quite busy with work now.
Her: Are you going away to work?
Me: No... .How are you? I've been concerned about you.
Her‬: It was my son's birthday on Friday which wasn't much fun.
Me: Why?
Her‬: He was in a weird mood - keeps looking for the post which makes me think he's buying pills again off the internet
Me: What kind of pills?
Her: Used to be tranquillisers - could be anything now he's earning money
Me: That must be worrying for you. How are you doing?
Her‬: The same - trying to stay centred because I feel very vulnerable
Me: In what way do you feel vulnerable?
Her‬: On the verge of tears or being angry most of the time
Me: What do you feel angry about?
Her: Christ knows - everything seems to wind me up (she left the conversation)
Me: I guess that is connected to the vulnerability you said you are feeling.[/quote]

I don't know if she is leaving the conversations because of things I say or don't say, I think it is more likely that she is leaving partly to do with her frame of mind, but also because she is being watched. Our conversations have always been brief, so again this is nothing new.

It seems to me that anger is better than feeling suicidal? She hasn't mentioned feeling suicidal for over a week now. Tearful and angry may be moving on from complete desperation. I'd be interested to hear what others think.

[Insom]

Hi, RF.  Earlier in this thread you said a few things I liked a lot because they sounded genuine to me . . .

I have been so focused on her mental health that I have neglected my own wellbeing for the last few weeks.

I need a little break from the trauma of it all and will take the weekend to try to relax and get back to enjoying life a little.

How did the weekend go for you?  What can you do today, as the new week begins, to return your focus back to you, your marriage and your own well being?

[RomanticFool]

Hi Insom,

Hi, RF.  Earlier in this thread you said a few things I liked a lot because they sounded genuine to me . . .

Thank you. I always try to be honest on here.

How did the weekend go for you?  What can you do today, as the new week begins, to return your focus back to you, your marriage and your own well being?

I've always gone out with my wife and we did more of the same on Saturday night. It is in my head where the problems have always been. My ex has been on my mind constantly for years. My wife and I still live like friends. We sleep in separate rooms and have individual pursuits. Nothing seems intrinsically wrong. We are both busy people. We have both agreed that we will get a new bed for our shared room as the old one is literally falling apart. Dismantling it and clearing out the room is a 2 day job (it's a wrought iron one and I need allen keys) and I don't have time at present due to an all consuming work project.

Interestingly my ex has been sounding much better and she even alluded to meeting me. I didn't respond as she said 'I am always looking for ways to meet.' Considering she has been in a very bad space I just didn't want to comment in any negative way. However, now that I feel detached from her and I am being calmer than she has ever known me and more understanding, she is talking to me more. I am not really conflicted about it because I know in my heart that I am not going to meet her again, but it is kind of ironic.

[Grey Kitty]

I think in some ways my wife is comfortable with emotional distance.

I'm sure you are correct, and that both you and your wife have become "comfortable" with the emotional distance over the years, because it has been the normal way you've lived for years.

That doesn't mean that either of you is happy with it, or that it is good for your relationship.

Breaking out of something you are used to and comfortable with to get to something BETTER is a very real and very hard challenge for all involved, and often a bumpy ride.

I'd encourage you to keep working on exactly that with your wife, and allow it time to develop--tools like validation do really good things to build intimacy, as do most of the others you've worked on here.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Grey Kitty,

Breaking out of something you are used to and comfortable with to get to something BETTER is a very real and very hard challenge for all involved, and often a bumpy ride.

We kind of jog along together pretty well. She came in from work tonight and said she feels something is wrong. This often is how she feels when it is her time of the month. She acknowledges this and we often talk about it. I gave her a hug and made her laugh and now she is doing her usual thing of being in her own bedroom watching her soaps while I watch the football (soccer) in the living room. This is how we usually function. We live practically separate lives. In the past I have had gfs who I would have classed as 'high maintenance' which means they demanded alot and I do not function well when somebody engulfs me with demands for love, domestic chores or trying to mould me into their idea of a man. My career has been all consuming in my life and I have lived this way since my 20's. My wife was content to accept me for who I am and has never tried to change me and vice versa.

I don't believe her feelings tonight indicate that something is wrong in our relationship but more that we are two deeply flawed individuals who found solace in each other. Like me, she is also very independent and takes herself off mountain climbing (which is her passion) while I stay at home pursuing the things I enjoy, mainly my career and playing piano. I do not think this is necessarily a problem of itself, but I think there is no passion between us. I also think at age 54 I am a waning sexual force and this is a problem for me in my life with or without my wife.

My ex has been in regular contact over the last few days (although she disappeared again today) and she mentioned something about finding time to meet me, but doesn't know how it would work as she went out with friends on Sunday and couldn't say she was doing that again. I didn't bite and was actually annoyed that she even brought it up. I just changed the subject of our still brief conversations. I have started to think again that I am being kept on the hook for contact and it is starting to make me resentful again, though i won't act on it. However, the good news is that she is no longer suicidal. I think the time will come soon when our texting will be less frequent. I find talking to her keeps my desire to escape alive - which is not good for me. I need to be present in the here and now. I should practise mindfulness with my wife but that is difficult when she takes refuge in her room every night and goes to sleep early.

I don't know if my wife is the right person for me and I miss the excitement of seeing my ex. Sexually she was powerful for me but emotionally she was/is a disaster. So I don't know where all this leaves me. The weather is grey and dull here which isn't helping either of our moods (my wife and I that is) and I constantly fantasise about escape. The reality is that I care about my wife as a person and what we have is real. My ex doesn't provide anything really other than emotional turmoil and a need to stay in contact with no real interest in me as an emotional being. I know that r/s is not real. That is why I am focussing on my wife more and more. She is real but sometimes reality doesn't make us feel good.

[Skip]

Can you relate to this?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314770.0
(please post on that thread)