if no contact how do you coparent?

[lostinaustin]

I had to go no contact with my exH... .For myself and my sanity. It's been very hard on the kids. I'm finally at a point where i don't obsess about the insane things he did to me over the last 6 years, but physically being in his vicinity causes me to have anxiety. So clearly I'm not ready to have contact. But my kids desperately need me to be friendly with him. I have such a visceral reaction to him I don't know how to do it. Help.

[Turkish]

How old are the kids,  and what's the custody situation?

[lostinaustin]

middle school age and almost 50/50 custody.

[Turkish]

I'm assuming you have primary legal and physical custody,  yes? What precipitated you to go NC?

Many members here parent with boundaries such as communication only by email or text,  exchanges in a public place, and the like. 

It sounds like the kids are oblivious to whatever went on. 

[Panda39]

Many members here parent with boundaries such as communication only by email or text,  exchanges in a public place, and the like.  

My first thought was to try low contact by email... .but then thought simply because the kids want it doesn't necessarily mean it's good for mom to do (at least not yet)... .so I pause and ask, what about their dad is causing you the anxiety? Can you give us a little history on the relationship with your ex?  What have you told the kids about your feelings around contact with their dad so far?

Maybe we can work through some things and get to low contact via email only.  Things do not have to happen immediately... .take a deep breath  

Panda39

[lostinaustin]

Background with exH.  compulsive lair and serial cheater. Discovered the main (5-6 year) affair after I caught him having sex with his girlfriend (co-worker/our neighbor) in my bathroom with our children in the next room. He said he didn't need therapy. Seriously how sick of a person do you have to be to encourage your wife to become bestfriends with your girlfriend so your girlfriend can wear your wife's clothes and then you can fondle your GF on double dates with the GF's husband & your wife right there? He went to great lengths to lie and gaslight me and blame my 'bad memory' and 'lack of reality' on my 6 year persistent auto-immune disease. Then he encouraged his girlfriend to help gaslight me, having her take me out for girls night out and question whether I knew or suspected their affair. Then his GF would say, "Why do you think he's had an affair? Do you know who it's with? Well, I think you're crazy to think he would cheat because 'he would never do that to his family'." Then he doubled down on the compulsive lying while I was distracted caring for my mother during her terminally cancer, so he could download dating apps to see more women. Of course there were signs for years that he was cheating and specifically with the GF but between my auto-immune disease, my mother's cancer, and his GF becoming my best friend coupled with the constant gas-lighting about everything, it was a perfect storm for serious disfunction. And maybe I should restate about No Contact. I use email and only email to communicate about the children. Yes, the kids know. Unfortunately in the discovery of affair with the children there, they were told by my husband about his affair with their beloved Ms Jen(GF). Very poor decision on both our parts for them to know.

[Panda39]

Hi lostinaustin,

Wow, that is an incredibly painful story, what a betrayal.  I'm so sorry you had to go through that     and the kids had to be there for it too 

How long have you been divorced?  How have the kids handled all of this?  Have your kids been pushing for this "be friendly to dad" since the divorce or is this a new thing?  I ask because yes kids want their parents to get along but with a BPD parent that parent could be pushing their own agenda on the kids.  Dad wants more contact with you so is using the kids to get it.

My SO's uBPDxw often used their kids as weapons against their dad. 

Are you getting or have you thought about seeing a Therapist to work through this?  I can see why you'd want minimal contact particularly with gaslighting that can make you feel like the crazy one because with the disordered person feelings = facts and then they believe their own story and can be very convincing and that can feel very overwhelming to the non disordered person.

You could try using SET (Support,  Empathy,  Truth) with your kids (link to more on SET below)... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Something like... .I know you want me to be more friendly to your dad, if this was my parents I would want them to get along better too, but for right now I need some time away from your dad.

So you validate that you heard the kids request, that you understand why they are asking, and tell them you aren't ready now (not that it will never happen - just left open ended).

Other members might have some suggestions on how to talk to the kids, because for now I think the low contact through email only about the kids, with your ex is good and your kids need to understand that you have been hurt and it's not easy for you to be around dad right now.  My concern and it sounds like yours as well is telling the kids no but not making them feel responsible for your "adult" feelings.

I'll be interested to hear what other members suggest.

Panda39

[lostinaustin]

I've been divorced for 6months but separated for a year. The kids have handled it mostly well. I try not to talk negatively about their father but I haven't always been so great. I have mostly said to the kids that I'm just angry with him and that I can't really be around their father right now. He wasn't financially fair in the divorce so there have been money issues that come up when I can't afford things for the kids that I never had to worry about in the past. I think they have pushed for me to be friendly with their father more recently because it's sinking in that we aren't getting back together. They are extremely emotional the first day I get them back from their dad. They say they don't act the same with him because they don't feel comfortable expressing their feelings with him. I'm at a loss. It's very hard to see them so upset. My son says I need to give my ex another chance and that I ruined everything without considering them. I explained that I've been in therapy every week for a year now and I'm working on myself so I can make better choices for our new lives. I think my ex puts on his 'nice guy' mask for the kids and they think he must be a better person now. I'll definitely try the SET method. That makes sense.

[Panda39]

You haven't been out for very long it will take time to adjust to the new way of life both for you and your kids.  I know you want to make your kids happy but don't let them guilt you into doing something you aren't ready to do or want to do.  It's okay to focus on you. 

I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist there is so much to process when a relationship ends (particularly when it ends like yours did).  It really is a grieving process and it is going to take as long as it takes.  There is pain, anger, disappointment, sadness and yes love that all have to be worked through.  Then you throw in the practical things, finances, separate houses, custody and all of the logistics involved there and you have an awful lot on your plate and it is a big adjustment for all involved.

Things will improve, you and the kids will build a routine that works for you, they will get used to going to both homes, and they might even come to realize there are perks like 2 birthdays and 2 Christmases. 

I've pulled a link about raising resilient children that might give you some ideas about talking with your kids.  You can start (and my guess is you are already doing this) by listening and validating their feelings and ask them questions that allow them to talk with you and get their feelings out.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

My son says I need to give my ex another chance and that I ruined everything without considering them.

You could ask him why he thinks you didn't consider his feelings
You could acknowledge that you know all of the change has been hard for him, but you and his dad won't be getting back together that it's an adult decision between you and dad.
You could ask him what he is struggling with most and problem solve ways you can do things to make it easier

I know it's hard with so much going on but try and build in some time to really tune in and talk with your kids.  They trust you and can talk to you and if their dad is BPD/NPD he will not be able to relate to them in the same way you can.   Your kids are lucky to have you in their corner.

Panda39