Can we be friends?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD spouse and I are separating. Living separately for the last 2 months.  He recently was committed for SI and told he has BPD. I admitted I'd known for somewhere around 16 years.  He says he's ok with us not being in a romantic relationship anymore, but just wants to be friends.  He says it's the only thing that matters. He even admitted he feels angry with me for not being his friend right now.  My instinct is telling me to run.  I'm trying to release with grace because we have a teenage son and NC wont work. But I'm really not up for it.  I'm very tense,  defensive,  guarded, sometimes critical. I know it's because I have experience with trying to break out of a BPD relationship and it's really hard to do. I need outside perspective. Why is it so dangerous to try and be friends?  Is this a trap?

[Belljarescapee]

My BPD spouse and I are separating. Living separately for the last 2 months.  He recently was committed for SI and told he has BPD. I admitted I'd known for somewhere around 16 years.  He says he's ok with us not being in a romantic relationship anymore, but just wants to be friends.  He says it's the only thing that matters. He even admitted he feels angry with me for not being his friend right now.  My instinct is telling me to run.  I'm trying to release with grace because we have a teenage son and NC wont work. But I'm really not up for it.  I'm very tense,  defensive,  guarded, sometimes critical. I know it's because I have experience with trying to break out of a BPD relationship and it's really hard to do. I need outside perspective. Why is it so dangerous to try and be friends?  Is this a trap?

[Skip]

I'm trying to release with grace because we have a teenage son and NC wont work. But I'm really not up for it.  I'm very tense,  defensive,  guarded, sometimes critical.

Is your need to "run" more about you than him?

I would think that since you share a son and you were together 16 years, that having an amicabe relationship is best for everyone.

You expressed concern about the suicidal ideation - I think here, too, cutting him off cold is actually riskier than slowly dialing the relationship back. You should talk to a DV counselor, this subject has been well studied and there are thing to do and not to do. In general terms, you want to affect separation and not heighten emotions if you can. You sound "burned out" - getting others input and coaching will be helpful.

Have separation agreement of sorts as to what is OK and what is not OK is a really good idea. If you can agree to some constructive ground rules, it can take a lot of the "feeling each other out" out of the relationship. Simple things like no unannounced visits, waiting for call and texts to be returned before sending another, etc...

[SWLSR]

Hello

AS one who was married for 15 years and three children I understand your concern.  To answer the question you asked no you can not be friends. However you do have a child and this child is going to be a part of both of your lives for quite for the rest of your life.  You are going to have to understand that to your child this was a family and they will remember it fondly.  You will have to deal your with spouse after the marriage is dissolved.  My best advice is to make it official business.  You can not continue to hate this person even if it is tempting.  Good luck this is a great site. 

[flourdust]

I agree with Skip that being "friendly" is generally helpful if you have a shared child. That's not the same thing as being friends.

Your timeline shows that this separation is still new and very raw. Your ex is asking for friendship out of a place of pain, wanting you to agree so that he will feel soothed. Any actual friendship (or even cordial, businesslike relationship) is going to take time and healing to occur. It's not one of the natural phases of the process of getting divorced.

By all means, try to be friendly (civil, polite, non-reactive) during the divorce process. You may have limited success at this! Divorce is not a friendly process. Try to build a cordial and cooperative relationship after the dust settles from the divorce. You may also have limited success at this -- pwBPD are not known for their ability to be excellent collaborative coparents.

If you and your ex can succeed in these steps, you may be building the foundation toward some kind of true friendship in the future.

[Belljarescapee]

Is there anything I can do to help him or tell him that is encouraging.  I'm really glad he knows now and can truly work on the BPD issues. He says he is ok with us not being together but I'm still concerned about where his interests lie. If being my friend is so important I suspect he thinks he can win me back eventually. He says he won't become angry and vindictive later, he promised not to "bother" or hurt me ever again. I told him I didn't know if he was capable of keeping that promise and only time would tell. I shouldn't have made that comment out loud and apologized. I didn't actually use the term split, I don't think he familiar with it yet.

[flourdust]

Is there anything I can do to help him or tell him that is encouraging.

Well... .let's look at what I'm guessing the root cause is -- the feeling of abandonment. Your best approach might be to try validation of that feeling -- are you familiar with the concept? There's a good set of lessons on this in the section marked "Tools" above.