how best to respond or not respond at all?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone.  Reading through these posts I feel less alone in what I have been dealing with for several years... My ex (with BPD) and I have been separated for 5 years.  Finally getting around to a formal divorce.  He is upset because he feels that my impetus to divorce is due to my boyfriend and I getting closer.  (it has nothing to do with it-I just want the separation formalized.) Although we have shared parenting responsibilities, he has refused to see the kids for several months and goes from completely ignoring me for weeks to lashing out in constant texts and phone calls.  One text will say that he is done being a parent.  A few hours later it's "how can I take everything away from him?"  Sometimes, the texts get nasty.  When I do respond, my responses are quick and to the point. I do not argue with him or act emotionally. For the most part, I ignore the texts but sometimes he is asking me a direct question and won't stop until I answer it... It's making me crazy-which I'm sure is his goal... .

Is it best to not respond at all? 

I appreciate any advice from those who have been there, done that... .

[lynnzee]

Hi everyone.  Reading through these posts I feel less alone in what I have been dealing with for several years... My ex (with BPD) and I have been separated for 5 years.  Finally getting around to a formal divorce.  He is upset because he feels that my impetus to divorce is due to my boyfriend and I getting closer.  (it has nothing to do with it-I just want the separation formalized.) Although we have shared parenting responsibilities, he has refused to see the kids for several months and goes from completely ignoring me for weeks to lashing out in constant texts and phone calls.  One text will say that he is done being a parent.  A few hours later it's "how can I take everything away from him?"  Sometimes, the texts get nasty.  When I do respond, my responses are quick and to the point. I do not argue with him or act emotionally. For the most part, I ignore the texts but sometimes he is asking me a direct question and won't stop until I answer it... It's making me crazy-which I'm sure is his goal... .

Is it best to not respond at all? 

I appreciate any advice from those who have been there, done that... .

[ForeverDad]

Save the texts, it is vital documentation.  It reveals his erratic day-to-day thinking and his minimal parenting.  Once you file it's likely he will (1) try to make you look worse than him and (2) wants to have a good public face and so claim he is an involved father and wants equal time or even full custody.  One can't predict precisely how an ex will respond but there are often patterns to the responses.  I listed two of them above.

Beware of making concessions to him that you don't have to make.  I don't mean it's okay to be bluntly vindictive.  I mean that you may feel giving in to him (or being overly fair) will make it all go better.  Sadly, it seldom does, with acting-out disordered people it enables even more entitlement to demand more.  You can be judicious in the things you will trade off but be sure that you don't Gift Away the important parenting responsibilities.

Since it is hard to get full custody, unless the other parent is willing, try to get the best outcome possible.  For example, limit the ability he has to obstruct.  Try for Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Yes he can still object but this way you can proceed with mature decisions without undue delays and he would be the one to go to court to claim otherwise.

Are you legally separated?  Frankly, few here have gone the LS route, usually it doesn't give enough separation or finality to the marriage, especially if you might remarry some day.

I recall my lawyer telling me long ago that in nearly 20 years of practice he had done only two separations and neither involved conflict.  He added that in our state there's a risk to LS.  There can be a custody evaluation for the LS and then if D occurs there will be another custody evaluation and it's likely the ex will have learned to hide the poorer behaviors the second time around.

[livednlearned]

Is it best to not respond at all? 

People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, and texting is one of those communication forms that can amplify boundary-free types of behaviors. In a sense, you may need to train him to use a different format, like email. And then let him know under what conditions you will respond. Or, if you sense he will negatively engage your new boundaries, it might be best to just tell him once, "Going forward, please email me your questions and I will do my best to respond promptly and when appropriate."

Having a BPD ex has forever changed the way I perceive texting. My new SO has a BPD/bipolar D20, and I notice that she has a similar issue with texting. She texts constantly, needs immediate responses, and a passive-aggression involved in being able to divert attention her way, whenever she wants and needs it.

Your ex presents another daunting issue, if I am reading correctly. He is inconsistently showing up for his kids, and blaming you. My son's father left and I understand the incredible hurt that happens.

Do you feel obligated to maintain that relationship?

It's a hard choice, I know.

[david]

I actually got rid of texting years back. I would get texts at all hours of the day and night. I went with email only communication. I still got nasty emails but it was easier to document. After a few years I got texting back since my older sons kept getting on me about it. Ex found out and brought it up in a court ordered co parent counseling meeting. I explained to ex, in front of the counselor, that I would not answer any text messages and only communicate through email. I said I would simply delete them without opening them up. Within a half hour after the meeting ex sent me a text. I deleted it like I said I would. I received another one a day or two later and deleted that too. I never received anymore texts after that.
I don't respond to nasty emails but I do save them in case I need them for a judge. I, occasionally now, get a nasty email that would print out at about two pages. If there is something pertaining to our boys I will answer that if I think it needs a reply. I  do not address anything else in the email. Ex ran away in 2007 and we have been divorced since 2010. I have not spoken to her outside of court for years now besides a simple hello at a social function with the kids.

[SES]

I bought a new mobile phone, with new number.  My ex still uses my old number... .and it is now just for her and no one else.  I put it on a very minimal monthly contract.  At one point she was sending 60+ texts a day... thus I decided it was easier to have a separate phones. 

[lynnzee]

Thank you for your insights... .it is very frustrating to deal with.  The new twist is my ex texting my kids to get information from them because I won't reply to the texts...  

1. I am saving every single text and email in case I need them in court.
2. I am helping my kids try to understand that deep down their father loves them, he just can't mentally handle being a dad right now... .I can't even imagine how difficult it is for a child to have a parent that doesn't want to see them... .
3. I am looking into finding ways to get rid of the texting option for my ex... He is never as hateful when we talk on the phone as he is in texts.  I did hear about a legal option where the court automatically receives a copy of all texts  between two people. The rationale being that the "bad texter" will be less likely to lash out if he knows that it's all being recorded by the court.

thanks again for the advice.  I'm hanging in there... .

[livednlearned]

I am helping my kids try to understand that deep down their father loves them, he just can't mentally handle being a dad right now... .I can't even imagine how difficult it is for a child to have a parent that doesn't want to see them... .

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My son has not seen his dad for 3.5 years and he is very emotionally shut down, especially on that topic, though it connects to other parts of his life.

My experience is that the greatest gift you can give the kids is the ability to express their pain in all its intensity. Having a father abandon them is going to leave a deep and lasting wound, and labeling that as love can be devastating.

In retrospect, I realize that comforting my son and telling him his absent dad loved him simply taught him I could not bear to hear his pain. I helped him seal it up

If you can, validate how your boys feel and let them have those feelings even if their sadness breaks your heart to pieces.

It will help them heal and learn emotional resilience.

We are still working through the damage. It takes time

There are books that can help you learn how to do this -- it's a counter-intuitive thing to do when our whole emotional system wants to protect them from suffering. The Power of Validation is a good book to start with.

[david]

I learned to listen to our boys extremely well and understand where they were coming from. I don't believe my relationship with them would have been as strong had ex and I stayed together.
I would have covered/made excuses/reason for moms behavior thinking I was doing what was best for our boys.
Separating made me change the way I dealt with ex's behaviors. It took me over a year and a therapist to get how to do it. I stopped making excuses and focused on what our boys were experiencing. I made sure I kept what they told me confidential. If I tried to discuss it with ex she would have taken her wrath out on them and they would have stopped talking to me. There were times I had to bite my lip and stay quiet. Eventually things got better because they learned coping strategies in dealing with their mom. Sadly, one thing they learned was to say very little to her because they never knew what to expect back.