BPD, pregnancy, and the future

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, well, I am 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  I *think* I am dealing with BPD but he refuses to do anything without me especially therapy.  So I offered marriage counseling to which he said we cannot afford.  Well, nowadays he is right.  He went out on work injury and they will not pay while he is out.  Its a Sciatic nerve injury so, as you can imagine, he is not returning to work.

He is the definition of BPD, but a ton of mental disorders have these symptoms.  Right?  This new guy started showing up 10 months ago.  If there were warning signs to his mental illnesses before I was too in love to see the signs.  But, since he has become mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive, kinda hard to miss or make an excuse for.  Anyways, is it BPD destroying us... .or is it HIM destroying us?

My question is: Do people with BPD save their symptoms for when doors are closed?  My Husband is (can be) a great soul, very gentle and caring.  But, this Jekyl and Hyde stuff only happens when the doors are closed or in the car alone together.  So, basically, when I am trapped and no witnesses.  He has driven me into my PTSD, flashbacks, terrorized me, got me remembering all my abuse I suffered my whole life, things I thought were dealt with he brings to the surface like brand new wounds.  

I wont be alone with him now, thats how far he has pushed me.  Even being pregnant has not changed him at all since he started acting this way.  Actually, being pregnant has made him more evil, he is absolutely NOTHING close to the Father I knew he would be.  He is a monster.  Who flashes to his old self in public.  When I was told I was pregnant, and I never wanted to be, I was crushed but I said M is here and he is a great Father figure, he told me so and he cared for me while ill.  Wow, was I WRONG.  I have never been apart from him but a couple times for 6 years, married for 4 years.  We have been through my critical sickness for years, we fought the world together to be together, I thought once I could walk again, the perfect relationship could finally take vacations and celebrate LIFE!  Instead, every single joyful moment is ruined.  Our 1st vacation either one of us had, and had together came in Apr.  I set everything up, made all the arrangements, made food for 2 weeks so we could eat healthy meals.  All he had to do was show up and drive.  Within 1 hour, he was yelling at me for the car charger not charging.

This is completely opposite of the man I married, so the 1st few months he was acting out and up, I was just in shock and didnt know how to react.  So, I took it.  I took it all.  And I crumbled emotionally, and he watched my demise into my childhood sexual abuses and family abuses and every kind.  While he is not himself, he doesnt really react to my breaking down---maybe because he was already broken down.  He honestly feels and looks like his body, mind and soul has been snatched up by Body Snatchers.  But what I can't figure out is:  Why is he only diabolical to me when I am trapped with him and alone?  Is this typical of BPD?

This pregnancy has been a nightmare-because of him.  I had a rough pregnancy so far, and alone and scared.  Broke and terrified.  Thought I lost my baby and couple times because I have no one and he, well, he goes between Husband I know to complete opposite.  I am heart broken.  I am afraid I cannot raise a child with him.  I can't even live a normal life with him, let alone pregnant now!  And he said he was such a good Father figure to his nieces YET a complete nightmare to me and our unborn child.  I ask him why he doesnt treat me as good as other females who were pregnant around him, he has no reply.  

He has ruined my trust and romance for him.  He has squashed me SO FAR below the ground.  I am a very confident woman who has survived every abuse imaginable from sexual abuse, kindnapping, to daily beatings from the males in my family.  Thats just the tip.  But, I made it through is my point, I deal with it each day.  He doesnt try anything, to cope of deal, everyday.  And he is cracking me so I have locked him out last night.  He is sleeping in guest house so he is fine.  Problem is, I trusted him with my everything, whole heart and soul, and he was so gentle with me until 10 months ago.  Now, complete insanity, aggressiveness, everything is my fault, if not me, then the worlds fault.  Just not close to the person I fell for and married.  How can I stay with someone I dont recognize and who abuses me constantly now behind closed doors... .Because I am defensive and protective of me, he says I say mean things to him and provoke him.  Insane!  He attacks me!  Then says I am the bad one for protecting myself... .makes sense on no planet.  Then he wants hugs and kisses from me.  Wait, what?  Kick the dog, then ask for kisses?  I am not your dog! I have told him.

I am the one who practices breathing, meditation, and ask him for peace when he is attacking me.  I also do not provoke him when he is going nutty for no reason at all.  When he attacks viciously, I stay quiet repeating peaceful sentences to myself as he hopefully runs outta gas soon, I walk away, ask him for peace, or when I cannot handle it anymore, the abuse is just too intense, I will ask him to leave.  Then when he refuses, I will tell him and the more upset I get, the more EXCITED he becomes.  Very sick, so unlike him.  He'll begin to get jolly "YES!  Get mad!  Scream at me!  I love it! Yes!"  Wait, what?

He completely forgets I am pregnant or does not care.  He has made this pregnancy a living hell.  Not only am I incomeless, this was not planned, I have no idea about nothing, am alone and figuring it all out----all this would be FINE.  It would.  I always survive.  BUT!  He's not the man I married, and instead I get this sick person making my life and babies life absolutely intolerable!  I am trying so hard to remain calm.  Its been the longest 10 months of my life, and I almost died for a couple of years, literally.  So, coming from surviving death to this, and saying surviving death was easier, ya.  I am a tortured soul in this now.

So MANY times now I have been trapped in the car with him while he goes on these rampages ON ME, about nothing!  So, I can't ask him to leave.  Instead, I curl up next to the door, close as I can, and repeat to myself "I will not react, I will not engage" because all he is doing is ramping and raging at me, then the world, back to me especially.  Which makes NO sense at all!  I am his love, I gave him love, we been together through TOO MUCH I thought it would grow us closer but then this... .is it BPD?  They can control it, when it comes out?

The only thing that changed 10 months ago is I became independent again.  I could walk, I survived death sentence (I healed my death sentence with natural remedies, I am really a miracle to Western Doctors because 'cure' or 'heal' is not in their vocab) and I began to look at schools and jobs.  We are rural, so I was trying to figure out gas, time, where and when.  Thats the time I saw cracks starting.  I didnt pay it much attention because he's always been good to me, ups and downs, but we always come out together.  Well, used to.  Just thought it was a 'patch'.  But then I started noticing and asking him what's going on.  

It started with "I'm hungry, you never bring food" then it was "I'm tired, you never let me sleep" then it was just anything but what was really going on.  So basically, nowadays, instead of admitting he has a mental issue, he says he's hungry, sleepy or stressed from work.  Well, work aint paying him so there goes that stress replaced by no money stress.  If you havent noticed, I am a little frazzled and at wits end as I am writing a book here.  Thanks, I have no one.  No one has seen this monster he is now behind closed doors.  Any advice, thoughts, or just good energy is greatly appreciated.  

Esp. now since his Father is not doing well (Heart disease and just broke his hip), my parents are elderly, too, and I am trying to have a happy pregnancy and so far, it's happy WITHOUT him.  Which BREAKS my heart!  He was my Angel, my everything, my protector, and I never allow people in to my world they way I have let him in and loved him unconditionally----but this, this is hard to love unconditionally since I am the focus of all the diabolical attacks and rants.  I dont know him anymore, so I am not allowing him in my bed since yesterday.  THAT is killing me too.  Is lying a typical thing too, like they dont know what reality is or they do know and just lying to feel better?  

I see: Psychosis, neurosis, paranoia, imagined threats, make believe he's angry at something (like the car charger not charging fast enough, my fault, therefore I got yelled at for hours in car on vacation), he ruins anything happy = vacation, pregnancy, anniversaries, birthdays ALL of them completely ruined this year and NO celebrations.  But then, spantanious, we'll cook for our parents to gather around and relax with food.  He's totally normal there.  And I am just becoming more and more quiet in public because I know the monster lying right beneath the surface now and I am very uncomfortable with him now---VERY.  Actually, I dnt trust him anymore and I put my foot down yesterday when I refused to ride for an hour with him to hospital.  I wanted to support his parents there, BUT, I also wanted to see another day... .thats how much I DONT trust him now.  I see I am acting like an abused wife now telling my friends he doesnt mean it, he's just stressed out, I can take it, he's a good soul---just protecting my abuser!  Classic.  

I have begun to document him.  I also warned my parents about him a couple times as I am unsure how far he will go (murder?  harm them?  I dont know who he is SO I DNT KNOW.  Sigh)  But, I always always stand up for him and only praise him to others.  Which ofcourse, damages my case for he has become abusive, but when talking to others, I say it's not his fault, he's a good soul, and mental illness is serious and he needs support.  But then, he flips on me and I go to "I need to save MYSELF and baby!"  Phew.

Thanks for reading my long past, I really appreciate it so much.  

[AngelBuds]

Hi all, well, I am 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  I *think* I am dealing with BPD but he refuses to do anything without me especially therapy.  So I offered marriage counseling to which he said we cannot afford.  Well, nowadays he is right.  He went out on work injury and they will not pay while he is out.  Its a Sciatic nerve injury so, as you can imagine, he is not returning to work.

He is the definition of BPD, but a ton of mental disorders have these symptoms.  Right?  This new guy started showing up 10 months ago.  If there were warning signs to his mental illnesses before I was too in love to see the signs.  But, since he has become mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive, kinda hard to miss or make an excuse for.  Anyways, is it BPD destroying us... .or is it HIM destroying us?

My question is: Do people with BPD save their symptoms for when doors are closed?  My Husband is (can be) a great soul, very gentle and caring.  But, this Jekyl and Hyde stuff only happens when the doors are closed or in the car alone together.  So, basically, when I am trapped and no witnesses.  He has driven me into my PTSD, flashbacks, terrorized me, got me remembering all my abuse I suffered my whole life, things I thought were dealt with he brings to the surface like brand new wounds.  

I wont be alone with him now, thats how far he has pushed me.  Even being pregnant has not changed him at all since he started acting this way.  Actually, being pregnant has made him more evil, he is absolutely NOTHING close to the Father I knew he would be.  He is a monster.  Who flashes to his old self in public.  When I was told I was pregnant, and I never wanted to be, I was crushed but I said M is here and he is a great Father figure, he told me so and he cared for me while ill.  Wow, was I WRONG.  I have never been apart from him but a couple times for 6 years, married for 4 years.  We have been through my critical sickness for years, we fought the world together to be together, I thought once I could walk again, the perfect relationship could finally take vacations and celebrate LIFE!  Instead, every single joyful moment is ruined.  Our 1st vacation either one of us had, and had together came in Apr.  I set everything up, made all the arrangements, made food for 2 weeks so we could eat healthy meals.  All he had to do was show up and drive.  Within 1 hour, he was yelling at me for the car charger not charging.

This is completely opposite of the man I married, so the 1st few months he was acting out and up, I was just in shock and didnt know how to react.  So, I took it.  I took it all.  And I crumbled emotionally, and he watched my demise into my childhood sexual abuses and family abuses and every kind.  While he is not himself, he doesnt really react to my breaking down---maybe because he was already broken down.  He honestly feels and looks like his body, mind and soul has been snatched up by Body Snatchers.  But what I can't figure out is:  Why is he only diabolical to me when I am trapped with him and alone?  Is this typical of BPD?

This pregnancy has been a nightmare-because of him.  I had a rough pregnancy so far, and alone and scared.  Broke and terrified.  Thought I lost my baby and couple times because I have no one and he, well, he goes between Husband I know to complete opposite.  I am heart broken.  I am afraid I cannot raise a child with him.  I can't even live a normal life with him, let alone pregnant now!  And he said he was such a good Father figure to his nieces YET a complete nightmare to me and our unborn child.  I ask him why he doesnt treat me as good as other females who were pregnant around him, he has no reply.  

He has ruined my trust and romance for him.  He has squashed me SO FAR below the ground.  I am a very confident woman who has survived every abuse imaginable from sexual abuse, kindnapping, to daily beatings from the males in my family.  Thats just the tip.  But, I made it through is my point, I deal with it each day.  He doesnt try anything, to cope of deal, everyday.  And he is cracking me so I have locked him out last night.  He is sleeping in guest house so he is fine.  Problem is, I trusted him with my everything, whole heart and soul, and he was so gentle with me until 10 months ago.  Now, complete insanity, aggressiveness, everything is my fault, if not me, then the worlds fault.  Just not close to the person I fell for and married.  How can I stay with someone I dont recognize and who abuses me constantly now behind closed doors... .Because I am defensive and protective of me, he says I say mean things to him and provoke him.  Insane!  He attacks me!  Then says I am the bad one for protecting myself... .makes sense on no planet.  Then he wants hugs and kisses from me.  Wait, what?  Kick the dog, then ask for kisses?  I am not your dog! I have told him.

I am the one who practices breathing, meditation, and ask him for peace when he is attacking me.  I also do not provoke him when he is going nutty for no reason at all.  When he attacks viciously, I stay quiet repeating peaceful sentences to myself as he hopefully runs outta gas soon, I walk away, ask him for peace, or when I cannot handle it anymore, the abuse is just too intense, I will ask him to leave.  Then when he refuses, I will tell him and the more upset I get, the more EXCITED he becomes.  Very sick, so unlike him.  He'll begin to get jolly "YES!  Get mad!  Scream at me!  I love it! Yes!"  Wait, what?

He completely forgets I am pregnant or does not care.  He has made this pregnancy a living hell.  Not only am I incomeless, this was not planned, I have no idea about nothing, am alone and figuring it all out----all this would be FINE.  It would.  I always survive.  BUT!  He's not the man I married, and instead I get this sick person making my life and babies life absolutely intolerable!  I am trying so hard to remain calm.  Its been the longest 10 months of my life, and I almost died for a couple of years, literally.  So, coming from surviving death to this, and saying surviving death was easier, ya.  I am a tortured soul in this now.

So MANY times now I have been trapped in the car with him while he goes on these rampages ON ME, about nothing!  So, I can't ask him to leave.  Instead, I curl up next to the door, close as I can, and repeat to myself "I will not react, I will not engage" because all he is doing is ramping and raging at me, then the world, back to me especially.  Which makes NO sense at all!  I am his love, I gave him love, we been together through TOO MUCH I thought it would grow us closer but then this... .is it BPD?  They can control it, when it comes out?

The only thing that changed 10 months ago is I became independent again.  I could walk, I survived death sentence (I healed my death sentence with natural remedies, I am really a miracle to Western Doctors because 'cure' or 'heal' is not in their vocab) and I began to look at schools and jobs.  We are rural, so I was trying to figure out gas, time, where and when.  Thats the time I saw cracks starting.  I didnt pay it much attention because he's always been good to me, ups and downs, but we always come out together.  Well, used to.  Just thought it was a 'patch'.  But then I started noticing and asking him what's going on.  

It started with "I'm hungry, you never bring food" then it was "I'm tired, you never let me sleep" then it was just anything but what was really going on.  So basically, nowadays, instead of admitting he has a mental issue, he says he's hungry, sleepy or stressed from work.  Well, work aint paying him so there goes that stress replaced by no money stress.  If you havent noticed, I am a little frazzled and at wits end as I am writing a book here.  Thanks, I have no one.  No one has seen this monster he is now behind closed doors.  Any advice, thoughts, or just good energy is greatly appreciated.  

Esp. now since his Father is not doing well (Heart disease and just broke his hip), my parents are elderly, too, and I am trying to have a happy pregnancy and so far, it's happy WITHOUT him.  Which BREAKS my heart!  He was my Angel, my everything, my protector, and I never allow people in to my world they way I have let him in and loved him unconditionally----but this, this is hard to love unconditionally since I am the focus of all the diabolical attacks and rants.  I dont know him anymore, so I am not allowing him in my bed since yesterday.  THAT is killing me too.  Is lying a typical thing too, like they dont know what reality is or they do know and just lying to feel better?  

I see: Psychosis, neurosis, paranoia, imagined threats, make believe he's angry at something (like the car charger not charging fast enough, my fault, therefore I got yelled at for hours in car on vacation), he ruins anything happy = vacation, pregnancy, anniversaries, birthdays ALL of them completely ruined this year and NO celebrations.  But then, spantanious, we'll cook for our parents to gather around and relax with food.  He's totally normal there.  And I am just becoming more and more quiet in public because I know the monster lying right beneath the surface now and I am very uncomfortable with him now---VERY.  Actually, I dnt trust him anymore and I put my foot down yesterday when I refused to ride for an hour with him to hospital.  I wanted to support his parents there, BUT, I also wanted to see another day... .thats how much I DONT trust him now.  I see I am acting like an abused wife now telling my friends he doesnt mean it, he's just stressed out, I can take it, he's a good soul---just protecting my abuser!  Classic.  

I have begun to document him.  I also warned my parents about him a couple times as I am unsure how far he will go (murder?  harm them?  I dont know who he is SO I DNT KNOW.  Sigh)  But, I always always stand up for him and only praise him to others.  Which ofcourse, damages my case for he has become abusive, but when talking to others, I say it's not his fault, he's a good soul, and mental illness is serious and he needs support.  But then, he flips on me and I go to "I need to save MYSELF and baby!"  Phew.

Thanks for reading my long past, I really appreciate it so much.  

[Radcliff]

Hello AngelBuds,

Welcome to the boards!  I am sorry for the difficulty you are going through, but glad you have found us.  You are not alone.  There is a community here that will support you.  You will find that there are people here who are or have gone through similar things, some of them while raising young children or living in isolated settings.  I used the word "community" deliberately.  You are welcome here, and we are stronger together.  Keep coming to the board, read the posts of others, and make posts yourself.  Stay connected.

You will also want to spend some time reading and learning about BPD.  There are resources to the right of this page, and I see on another thread that Tattered Heart introduced you to them. I would also recommend that you read the book, "Walking on Eggshells," about BPD.  There are other good books, but that is a good one to start with.

Many first time mothers find that "baby and me" mother's groups are an incredibly helpful source of support.  Typically a handful of women and a facilitator meet regularly for 6-12 months after their babies are born.  Your local hospital may offer such a group.  My wife did this when our first baby was born, and I don't know what we would have done without it.  I know that's not directly relevant to BPD, but you are going to want to use the next few months to learn, plan and build up your support system in as many ways as possible.

And yes, it is not uncommon at all for a person with BPD to function fine at work, with extended family, and in the community, but to act like a completely different person sometimes at home.  This can be confusing, upsetting, and isolating.

In addition to the support you are getting on this board do you have friends or family you can talk to for emotional support in person or on the phone?

[AngelBuds]

I have been reading a ton about it all, I really wish he would commit 1% of what I do to this.  I do have some friends who are all far away so we text.  So, basically alone in this all.  That's why I am reaching out to BPD community, the people I do text whats going on, have no experience with what I describe... .thanks so much.  I have been reaching out to pregnancy and baby resources, there just in not alot available is what I am told.

[Meili]

I want to join Wentworth in welcoming you to the family. As he said, we are a community of people who have been through situations similar to yours and "get it."

Wentworth gave you some great advice when he suggested that you learn about BPD, read the posts of others, and share more of your story with us. Posting is therapeutic.

To answer your questions, BPD is a spectrum disorder. It affects different people in different ways. As discussed in one of our "BPD: What is it? How can I tell?", people with BPD who are high-functioning are "invisible."

Higher Functioning Invisible BPs1.   They strongly disavow having any problems, even tiny ones. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else’s fault. If family members suggest they may have BPD, they almost always accuse the other person of having it instead. 2.   They refuse to seek help unless someone threatens to end the relationship. If they do go to counseling, they usually don’t intend to work on their own issues. In couples therapy, their goal is often to convince the therapist that they are being victimized.3.   They cope with their pain by raging outward, blaming and accusing family members for real or imagined problems. 4.   They hide their low self-¬esteem behind a brash, confident pose that masks their inner turmoil. They usually function quite well at work and only display aggressive behavior toward those close to them. Family members say these people bring to mind Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 5.   If they also have other mental disorders, they’re ones that also allow for high functioning, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).6.   Family members’ greatest challenges include coping with verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse; trying to convince the BP to get treatment; worrying about the effects of BPD behaviors on their other children; quietly losing their confidence and self-¬esteem; and trying—¬and failing—¬to set limits.

Does any of that sound familiar?

You also asked about lying. That was one of my questions too when I got here. What I learned was that pwBPD (people with BPD) are governed by very intense emotions. Their emotions are so intense that they form the basis for their realty. As their emotions change, so does their reality. This means that what is true to them in one instance is not in the next. It is very taxing to say the least.

There is good news to all of this though; we can help them not get overly emotional and, hopefully, they will learn to control their emotions.

You sound like an extremely strong woman who has dealt with a lot over the years and has come out of it with a healthy outlook. That is so commendable. I hope that you can find the same support, as I have, here to continue that path. Sending good energy your way.

Keep us posted.
Meili

[AngelBuds]

Thank you both so much!  I have been researching my heart out, I really should just be focused on pregnancy since I have nothing for the coming month---let alone months.  He doesnt want to work on himself so I am running myself raggid with pregnancy and this new guy who is just a negative in my life now.  If he tried just a tiny bit, I would relax.  But I think I will relax.  

I just tried to speak with him nicely, small talk outside, then I asked if he wanted to say anything.  How the last 10 months have been for him, what's going through his head, anything.  My gentle voice and words brought the BPD guy around.  He said "You're making me jump through hoops BS Im not doing it, you go get help, thats why I want a 3rd person, so they can see you and how you are."  Sigh.  Sadly, the videos he has of us are of him yelling at me in his psychosis---and he says thats evidence for how 'f'ed up' I am (his words).  I have been asking him since Apr when I had a mental break down from his abuse to get us marital counseling on his insurance.  I said I will take all the blame, yes, I will say it is all me, if he will just show up with me.  Yes, sure.  See, I know any counselor with a 2nd grade education can see through his lying face.  And I am a horrible liar so me saying "Its all me" will scream, HELP ME!  So here we are today.  No closer, same old BS and I am sick of it.  

And hoops?  Asking your loved one to stop abusing you is hoops?  Asking to go to counseling is hoops?  I am seeking counseling for myself already he knows that, so why he throws stuff in my face "Why dont you do it!"  and I already am.  He actually followed me into one of my meetings, NAMI, family to family.  It is for people dealing with loved ones in mental illness, for me, I am going for his BPD.  He went cus I was going and made it awkward when we all had to say who was ill in our family.  I told him he can say me, since he is comfy blaming me for everything, he doesnt do public speaking, but when it was his turn he said "I'm here I guess to try and learn and deal with this... um, ya."  I was so proud of him!  Thats as far as he went to address anything tho.  

Mental disorder or not, he is refusing to address and resolve.  I have had my own mental issues due to extreme abuses.  But I did work on healing, daily, it hurt like hell, but I pushed through.  He pushes everything down and now he's left with this monster that seems to me like BPD.  I am just lost how my Husband is just gone now--I mean, he shows up a couple hours a day, some days I get him a whole day.  And, how did he just go away?  So, do any relationships survive this?  I refuse to sacrifice myself anymore, and I sure as hell am NOT allowing this around my baby.  Why?  So the circle of abuse can continue?  Nope.  The cycle ends with me.  I said that to him before I was pregnant.  He knows I am beyond serious.  The violence stops.  

He actually is just acting exactly like how he was raised: abusive, hot tempered, illogical, hateful, aggressive, uneducated, chaotic, immature, projecting, drama queen, basically OPPOSITE of man I married, man I have known for 6 years----gone?  All I need now is for him to swing at me and he's completed the cycle of abuse.
 See, I was raised in violence and abuse but I made a promise to myself, at a young age, in my life I would not be in abuse or violence again, I will not continue the vicious cycle, it all ends with me.  No one will ever suffer what I suffered if I have a say.  Why, if he agreed with me when we got married, why is he choosing this instead?  

[AngelBuds]

I am always quick to forgive.  Believe him when he says sorry and he will try harder.  He never does.  I on the other hand am serious about my health, life and relationship.  So, I enjoy improving myself.  I like a good challenge.  This time, I am trying so hard not to just let him back in our home.  I see now, all I have to do is seek him out, talk to him, ask him some questions about healing or feelings and BAM! he will remind me exactly WHY he is sleeping elsewhere.  It hurts my heart to be apart, but he's killing me with him.  So, apart it is.  I have to remain strong for my baby.  Besides, he mistakes all my kindness and all my efforts for weakness and tolerance. 

I read BPD is 67% inheritable.  I really hope they have more research on this within 1 year.  I hope I find a cure.  It's possible.  I was once in chronically critical condition or ill for a decade.  Drs said I was on my way out.  Tired of their nonsense and them trying to kill me with pills, I found my cures.  Despite them telling me no, I will not get a transplant now because I am going all natural, I continued my research.  Cirrhosis MELD 17, Colitis, Epilepsy, Anemia, low blood cell counts, low platlettes, intense middle pains (like I ate razors), and ya, I was barely holding on... .all cured within 1 YEAR so Thank You natural remedies <3  So, maybe I will find a cure was my point :D

[JoeBPD81]

Oh my God, AngelBuds, what a nightmare!

I bet most people don't know what to tell you, as I don't, but I wanted to show support at least.

I get it, most people here we suffer some form of abuse or other. And yes, it is very common that they act very different at home. I've seen it described as this: we partners are inside the BPD circle, we get to experience their pain, and share their burden (lucky us), and outside, they wear a mask. That mask exhaust them, so they are more on edge when they are finaly alone with us.

There are here many stories of people who were just charming, and after a stressful event (like the death of a parent, or the prospect of becoming one, or a painful illness), the problems start.

I come from the Improving board, I'm all up for working to save the relationship. But in some cases, I think you should have a plan B ready. It is good that you are documenting. And you must have a plan in case of emergency. You can contact local support organizations just to get information and ideas about what to do. I wish it doesn't come to that, but having the plan in place will give you peace of mind. And reacting without a plan is something that you can regret in the future. Why? because you are the hardest judge on yourself.

I hope that the fear of losing you and the child gets to him and he seeks help. You can't afford marriage counseling, but you can't afford not having it either. How in the open is BPD, was he diagnosed? does he know about it? I'm sorry about all the abuse in your life. But maybe you can use that, as in telling him you think YOU have BPD, and have him read a book (or an article, or watch a video... .At least) about it. Maybe that would light a bulb in his head. He becoming aware of a problem is the only way I see this going some place.

I hope people chip in, because I wish I had some good advice for you. I wish you the best of luck. Please, keep us posted.

[Tattered Heart]

HI AngelBuds,

I"m sorry to hear that things have been so scary for you lately. Your H sounds a lot like mine before I started using some of the communication skills and began working on myself through this site and various books. He would turn into a raging monster and like you, I was often stuck in the car with him.

I don't know if your H has BPD or if something more could be happening. The fact that changed so dramatically 10 months ago is a little odd because BPD usually does not show up in just in one relationship. There is usually a pattern of instability in relatinoships. With that being said though, I'm not a professional. He may have had some minor symptoms of BPD that just weren't noticeable throughout his life. Looking into a physical reason for things might help, but that would also include him having to agree to go to the doctor for it.

Another thought is that he may be really scared and nervous about having children. You mentioned that you had been very sick so maybe he is scared that being pregnant could harm your health. Just throwing some ideas out there.

Getting back to your scenario. The way you have been responding to him has not been working. Although he is responsible for his behavior, you are also responsible for yours. I know that you're scared and when you are scared, it's hard to make decisions about what to do.

When he begins to rage, you need to get yourself somewhere safe. That doesn't mean leaving permanently. It just means getting out of the house and away from him until he calms down. I don't know what that looks like to you, but some ideas might be to have a bag packed with some extra clothes, stash some money away somewhere, find a place where you can go. For me, sometimes I will just take a walk around the yard; others times I will go for a drive.

When you see that he is agitated or starting to get worked up, position yourself so that you could leave the house easily. Put your purse near the door (don't let him see you do this). In the past when my H has been particuarlly grumpy and agitated, I will leave my purse and keys in the car. Other times when I think he will notice my purse missing, I'll set it on the counter closest to the door.

Does your H begin to build up to rage? If so, how do you respond to him during the build up?

[AngelBuds]

Thank you both SO MUCH!  I really do not recognize him.  Seriously, my eyes and heart do not know him anymore.  I think this means it is over   I have tried to send him articles on BPD but I get no reply.  He hates to read and he hates being without me.  I tried talking to him last night, calmly, under the stars.  I then asked if he wanted to say anything to me, or talk about what he feels or what is going on for last 10 months.  He became defensive as usual stating he didnt need help, I should seek help (I am the ONLY ONE seeking help here) and as he escalated, I walked away.

When this behavior 1st started, I was in shock and actually felt bad I was messing up so hard to make him so vile.  After a couple months I began to notice HEY! wait a second, I am not doing anything wrong.  Then next few months I stood up for myself which only fueled the rage and intensified the argument to the point of melting down and just a mess.  Nowadays, I walk away.  If he traps me, I repeat to my self "I will not react, I will not engage.", I will ask him for peace, I will reassure him nothing is happening right now, peace please, and then it's a matter of him running out of gas or me escaping.

Theres no arguing with insane. 

[Radcliff]

Hello AngelBuds, you certainly have a lot going on.  Living with a pwBPD can seem absolutely mind-bending, frustrating, and sometimes scary, among other emotions.  There is so much going on, let's take it one step at a time.  There are no quick fixes, but with some effort, things can start to seem a lot less random and out of control, and you can build from there. Can we talk a bit so you can help us better understand your situation?

First, do you feel physically safe?  You said he was mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive.  That alone is a full plate to deal with, for sure.  If physical safety is not an issue, we can move onto the other stuff.  Something in one of the discussions on one of your threads made me want to ask this, though.  I've asked a few questions below.  I'm not looking for trouble if there is none, but do not want to overlook something important.  Let us know how things stand on these and we can go from there.

Has he every been physically abusive towards you?
Has he ever used physical intimidation, like blocking your exit from a room or taking your car keys?
If he has not been physically abusive, do you have an intuition that he might be?
Even if you think actual physical trouble is unlikely, does he do or say things (raging, throwing things at the wall, etc.) that still scare you?

Again, things are awful enough without this stuff, and we will help you through all of it, but if any of these elements are present it's important to address them.  

We're glad you're here.  You can do this.  We will support you!

Wentworth

[AngelBuds]

Thank you Wentworth, this is amazing.  And I have had a full life of mental illness, insanity, chaos, I mean, full life of abuse and violence--all of it.  Getting married to him was the best thing I ever did in my life, he was perfect for me (not perfect).  6 years later, here I am in shock n hurt, and it's been ongoing for 11 months now. 

He has not punched or hit me.  He has blocked my exit.  He also chest pumped me.  He has grabbed my arm in fits of rage (for no reason as usual).  I just can't seem to accept this is my Husband, but I know and have told him I am not sticking around for this abuse.  He goes back and forth from I will try to I will not try.  Today he told me he will not try, says he too busy trying to making money.  I call typical avoidance.  He's defaulted on our bills, and wow, so basically he's lying too.  He has no income because he was injured on the job, so they are not paying him while out of work. 

But all this started before we got pregnant, before we had money troubles, before he was injured, all this began late last year.  It began, as far as I can tell, when I became healthy enough to consider college again plus a job.  We are rural, so I was going back tot he city.  I saw cracks, but I thought it was work stress.  Fast-forward to today:  I can't believe this is how it is going.  Just downhill for 11 months.  I tried everything to bring him back to himself, everything.  Until the woman I am today saying I will not sacrifice myself for him anymore.  I also will not allow our child to be touched by him like this. 

I am trying to give background so maybe red flags can be seen by others.  So, I was critically ill on and off for a decade.  When I met him, I was in the 'off' mode.  2 months after we got together the seizures started.  New to me!  Very scary.  But he stayed with me.  Then my health declined to critical for 5 years.  Colitis, epilepsy, black outs, anxiety, depression, gastritis, Cirrhosis of the liver (thanks to my Drs who didnt know how to help me so threw pills at me-luckily I undertake pills so, lucky, I survived), anemia, blood cells way too low, platlettes lower, I was barely alive.  Doctors basically said I was dying and would be dead without a liver transplant.  Talk about devastating. 

I could barely walk, stand for long, a big mess really, making messes, it was just something you never hear of happening to anyone.  He took care of my everything, everyday, and not one cruel word, ever.  My Angel, everything.  He was my best friend, my supporter, my champion. 

I decided since I was dying according to the Drs, I would try natural: remedies, healing, modalities.  They all (Drs, friends and family) said I would kill myself quicker and never be on a liver transplant list since I am going natural and began healing with Medical MJ.  I researched natural remedies, everything natural, day and night, 7 days a week, like a woman on a mission!  I was, my life was pain and misery every second of every day, you get a little motivated to teach yourself natural medicine.  I kept myself mentally astout as to help my body heal, took my natural healing everythings (MJ CBDs, medical MJ, teas, special drinks, tinctures, powders, supplements, vits), meditation, all clean food, I just went all out.  Hey, when you're already dead, you get brave   Within 1 year, I turned all their diagnosis around---even brought my Cirrhosis from MELD 17 needing transplant to MELD 8 normal and healing scars.  Unheard of.  But my charts say it all, black and white.  All my suffering, pains, diseases and ailments I just wrote, gone.  Not even a seizure since!  Amazing what happens when you dump your Drs and advocate for your own life <3

So, long history of being loyal and loving.  Intense history together.  Intensely GOOD through darkness; all my pain and suffering I knew he was in pain and suffering too, we loved each other, I tried so hard with no energy to show him I love him even tho I am suffering.  Brings tears to my eyes... .and now today---this.

I am apart of NAMI.  I am with my local chapter and went to my 2nd meeting today.  NAMI has been AWESOME by the way folks, awesome.  Basically, he is acting exactly as anyone with a personality disorder acts.  Nothing out of ordinary, I am sad to be reading about my Husband on some paper... .he is more than his mental diseases.  I am also getting a counselor next week (no pills, thats why counselor).  I am doing everything I can to help me and ask him to get help too.  Also going through this pregnancy alone when I KNEW he would be a great Father, but, now I see, he is caught in his illness and neglecting us and he doesnt see it at all.  Its all me.  He's convinced. 

I dont know why I try to make sense of nonsense.  I feel if I learn enough or understand it, maybe I can lead him back into life?  But I have to understand I cannot save the world, even loved ones, as much as I try.  I have to care for me and our baby 1st now.  I am wanting to know if this can be saved.  If he stays in his mental state, NO.  If he tries, YES.  So far, he bounces from I will try to I will not and going by his own actions, he will not.  Then he blames me for HIM not calling!  Phew, oh wow, I gotta breathe. 

I finally found my everything and choose to share everything with him.  1st time for us both: Marriage and now a baby.  He was perfect for me... .was :*(  So, did I just miss every single red flag known to man because I was too ill to see the illness?  Because from what I understand this illness is always there, just events, stress or something else 'awakens' it?  I understand that, so what awoken him?  I gather he felt now that I can walk, I will go back to college, get a fancy job and leave him behind.  Which is not even in a realm of reality on any level.  We had no trust issues (I dont trust him now), we've never been unfaithful, there's just NOTHING I have ever done ever to make him think I would forget about him.  I mean, on what planet? 

I literally spent 5 yrs in bed, suffering, fighting for my life, bleeding and leaking all over, fighting to be a wife and human, I can't drive because of (then) seizures, I mean, I was imprisoned here so it's not like I am known for disappearing is my point.  If he could just come back to me, that's all I want... .cus I cant be with him like this and I refuse to allow our child to be subjected to this.  I promised myself when I met my husband: the cycle of abuses I lived through stop with me, I will not promote violence or abuse, engage in it or endure it ever again.  He knows that, he knows my heart, he knows he is killing me slowly and squishing this relationship to death---and wow, I have no words *sigh* 

Typing and reading replies is REALLY helping me, TY everyone <3

PS: I gotta laugh because when I talk about me being ill I imagine some weather withered, scabby, bleeding, skin falling off person; when in reality, ppl dont know what I suffered because I look normal today.  All my suffering has always been on the inside, my whole life.  That picture I painted with words just made me giggle

[AngelBuds]

Is it typical for ppl with BPD to start lying?  I am catching him in so many lies nowadays.  He came home to drop off groceries (drove an hour here), told me he is defaulting on bills and wants to put car into non-op, then drove another hour back down to city.  Before he left, I asked him why didnt he do groceries last so he would be home to stay instead of driving up and down the mountain an hour each way.  The usual defensive, nonsense but obviously he's getting aggitated and aggressive.  Wow.  Wait, what?  Defaulting?  And driving up and down the hill each day, 1 hour each way, a couple times of day, whos buying gas?  This is why he wont let me look at our finances, this is why he's been LYING to me each time I discuss finances.  I really do begin to question my sanity.  Will he ever return to me, to life?  Now he is going down the hill to drive his Mom to the ER and visit his Pops who just broke his hip.  He says he tries to get jobs while there but I really dnt believe much of what he says anymore, sadly. 

So now he informed me, not only are we incomeless, now we're defaulting on car registration plus credit cards.  He obviously cannot handle this life.  Before him, I handled all my finances, supported others, went to work, went to counseling, everything in order.  He says he cannot handle working plus counseling, too busy, busy, busy... .BS.  I replied if he thinks he has no time now, when our child comes he will have negative time.  Now, it's all in his name because I was disabled so we put the car in our names and took out credit in his name since he finally got a job.  Therefore, 1st time in my life since 18, bills r in someone else's name.  And I gotta say it is a horrible feeling #1, #2 feels even worse when that person lies and defaults on them. 

[AngelBuds]

I am already detached from him in his mental states.  What is killing me is when he returns to himself, then I stay.  If the mental disorder was around 24/7, we would be divorced.  I hate to say it, but thats how serious this is and I am.  I dont believe in divorce, thats how real it is.  But, he always returns to himself, and I never know when the mental disorder will return, or why, no rhyme or reason.  It would be easier if I was the offender like he says, then I could say look it is me, I am the looney.  So much easier than reality... .

For now, he is away from me.  I let him in last night to sleep so he didn't sleep in the car again with his sciatic nerve damage.  We were friends so that was nice.  Then, well, I had to walk away from him because his mental was starting to show and I had NAMI to get to an hour away. 

What is truely killing me is now more than ever I want to comfort him in his time of needs; his parents, his income (lack of), his head must be chaotic, he's terrified and wont admit it, I know he needs me but how can I comfort him when he plunges the knife in my back as I hug him?  I will go to the ends of the earth and back with and for him, always-until he plunges that knife.  I just can't keep sacrificing myself.  I forgive him, then feel betrayed when he attacks me later for no reason.  Then again, as I am here going through pregnancy alone, broke, scared, trying to help him, help me, and save my little bun from all this negativity he's not concerned for me.  My Husband was body snatched and I just want to know, do I stay or go... .golden question.

[Radcliff]

First, let me say how happy I am for you that you came through such a tough time in your life as a survivor.  Well, I suppose by now you are a survivor five or six times over.  If you've come this far, you're going to continue to survive, and hopefully thrive.

Lying is definitely a "thing" with BPD.  pwBPD are extremely sensitive to shame, and may use lying as a way to avoid feeling shame, even for seemingly small things.  pwBPD also feel emotions so strongly, perception can become reality, as they re-shape facts in their heads to match how they feel.  This can be so unexpected and hard for a “non” to understand it can feel like diabolical manipulation or make a “non” question her own reality.  Finally, some pwBPD have histories as victims of abuse, and may have developed lying as a survival mechanism to cope with threats.  Unfortunately, they may surprise us with some of the things they find threatening in our daily lives with them.

Yes, the up/down cycles with BPD are terribly exhausting.  When it's good, it's easy to be hopeful, then the bad comes again.  This is something we all struggle with.  The skills we learn here, and the support we're able to provide each other help with that.

Your latest post shows some empathy coming through for your husband.  This is a very positive sign.  You are on a good path.  Empathy for our pwBPD helps us understand that this is an illness they did not ask for.  Though the things they say and do can hurt us terribly, understanding that they are dealing with a disability and are at the limits of their coping mechanisms can help us to take things a little less personally.  They are not strong people bent on destroying us, though it certainly may seem so at times.  Once we understand that, we can then start to develop skills and tune our own behavior to improve things.  Though we’d like to get *them* to change their behaviors, and for goodness’ sake, we want it to happen yesterday, we can only control ourselves, so that’s where we start.

As you’ve been figuring things out, have you noticed what things you do that can make things better or worse with your husband?  What strategies have worked well, and you’d want to continue or recommend to others on the board?

[AngelBuds]

Thanks Wentworth, ur words are comforting.  Phew and wow.  As long as I refuse the abuse, the longer we are apart.  This is insane, we've never been apart but for one night maybe 2 in 6 years.  Inseperatable.  And now, he's saying he is sleeping in car so I dont blame him... .?  So, thats 3 nights apart.  He is hell bent that this is all me, he is fine, I need therapy (which I am the ONLY one trying and getting therapy) and there's no reasoning with him whens he swimming in his head.  Problem is, each day he is further away.  I am literally watching someone, my everything at one time, slowly kill themselves.  His stress levels, he doesnt eat, he's just running on 'crazy', sorry, not name calling, just describes what I see and feel.  He slippin away so fast now since his Pops broke his hip.  Even faster than before. 

Before, it was peek a boo 'crazy', himself for the most part and this 'other stuff' would come out and attack then go away when done attacking me.  OK, got used to that.  Then, the hyper/hypo mania just gets longer and longer, the nuerosis and psychosis is just lingering around now, like they have planted themselves within him.  I feel he is gone from me and our baby.  I see he is comfortable and easy with telling me it's all my fault, always.  He says he does not abuse me when ie he OBVIOUSLY abusive.  I dont even have to speak to him and he'll bust into my home and start going insane on me.  Literally.  One day I was in my tiny room (home) and he bursted in and started yelling at me "You gave more to everyone else!  You do everything for everyone else!"  Wait, what?  I um, who and what?  I married you, I never gave that to anyone.  I am with YOU, no one gets that.  I only give everything I HAVE to YOU.  He goes off on some rant to which I walk away from.

Its just... .the levels of WOW, wow.  And he makes up stories.  Lies.  Then tries to make me feel guilty for something I never said of did but he says it happened.  It just doesnt add up.  His lies, I think he is losing track of them.  His house of lies is crumbling I see.  I used to drink, no to get drunk, I would sip.  So, sober drinking? 

But so he used to tell me things I said and when I say I never said that he would say "Wow, ur drinking, thats why u dnt rmbr."  Wow, I really began to question my thoughts and actions.  I became paranoid that I was hurting my everything (him) as he said and I dont rmbr.  Oh wow, I am very bad I told me.  Then, I stopped drinkin cus I am pregnant.  And, I see now, he was lying to me.  He told me one time he was talking to me about his Gma dying and was very upset, this March (it was about 2 weeks after she passed) and he said I said "Why dont you get over her already."  What!  Me?  I would never say that unless I was blacked out, kidnapped and aliens were speaking through me.  Just things like this he constantly says I say----I dont.  I see now that I dont even touch liquor he was trying to control me with lies and manipulation.  He knows my heart, he knows how to crush it, just never thought he would.  Never, ever, ever, thought, ever.  Let me just be clear, never ever. 

He is getting very manipulative and just increasing the hate and I know it's cus he is scared and attacking me.  Just hard to pull the knife out my back.  He now tells me everything I say, when I try to talk to him about his 'syuff', is bull___, made up, I am the one, its all me "No one talks to me like you.  Ask my parents, ask my nieces, they all never speak to me like you do. Its you. They all love me, you say things to me"  I ask him logically, do you treat them the way you treat me?  Do you talk to them as you speak to me now?  Do they see how abusive you are to me now?  Do you know where my Husband is?  Yes, my Husband, that guy I married, do you know where you put him?

Just when I think I see my Husband, this other comes out and it's lingering longer and longer now.  So, basically, listening to him rant and rage about nothing at me, towards me doesnt work.  Taking all the blame and working harder on myself and more on our relationship did not work.  Trying to make logic and talk it out, does not work.  Trying to love him despite the knife in my back, does not work.  The only way I keep myself sane and safe, is to walk away as soon as that 'twinkle' in his eyes comes around.  I just need to hear that voice coming out.  I can just see his skin, his body, his energy, changed to 'evilness' and I say one of a few things before walking away for good. "I am not doing this with you today." "I will not react, I will not engage." "I want peace" I dont engage anymore, I no longer react, I no longer do much of anything now except walk away.  Anything I have ever tried to diffuse the situation, make sense of it, or talk it out only enrages him more.  It DOES NOT make any sense... .and I know mental.  I know different mental diseases, ailments, disorders; I have never dealt with this type or kind before. 

I have a very colorful past painted with abuse, neglect and just bad things no one can believe.  Thats ok, its not for anyone to believe, its for me to heal and move through and past.  I was trying to get away from it all as I know abuse survivors usually seek out abuse as this is all we know.  Well, I set out to break that cycle and when I met M in 2011, I knew he was the one!  We were both the same, abused and breaking the cycle.  Perfect.  Us against the world just loving each other.  Nice. 

I think he needs a docile punching bag to kick around.  I have told him I am NOT your kicking dog or your escape goat so stop.  Its insane I would even have to say these words to him because the man I married would never ever ever treat me this way, ever. 

It now seems pointless.  Seems I need to keep moving forward with my baby and hope he gets on board before he completely destroys any feeling I once had for him.  He's getting close to losing it all, and I think he is actually trying to speed it up.  Self fulfilled prophecy.  Self inflicted trauma.  Then blame me, the world.  Its like he's setting up shop inside this 'new guy; no plans on leaving.  Like I said, he chooses to be away from me now so I 'don't blame him.'  His words.  Wow :*( 

Ever see the movie "The Cell"?  With Jenny something in it.  Well, I feel like that now.  Great movie by the way.  I feel like I am the therapist trying to break through a severely and mentally disturbed person, in their head.  Thats the picture I see now when I think of us.  A very disturbed person and me trying to help.  She too had to watch her back the whole movie as the patient tries to kill her.  Yup, Im living that movie.  Except he has not killed anyone that I know of. 

Another ploy and hurtful thing he has begun to start doing is when I am trying to ask him to get help, please, save us, save yourself, please, heres how to get help (I give him resources, ideas, suggestions... .) he now has very insightful thoughts.  He says "Why, so they can do to me what they did to you?  I am not suicidal like you were, I dont cut myself up like you did, I dont need the help!"  Wow.  Yes.  As I have said, I had a lifetime of abuse, sexually, physically, mentally, so I did try suicide. I was locked up in mental home.  I did do counseling and you know what I got out of it?  I got a 2 week vacation at mental hospital where everyone LOVED me and was sympathetic to my suffering at the hands of my family.  At 15, in those days, they only could release me back to the abuse.  CPS interviewed my Mom who told the CPS worker to get out of her house and leave her alone.  So, he did.  Wow, if she used 1% of that anger she used to protect herself, to protect me instead, none of the abuse could have happened, ever.  I learned early on: family is dangerous and abusive, only I will save me, only trust me, and no it was not pretty being me as I worked through my past.  Ya know what?  I kept at it.  Hurt like hell, and I did alot of cutting, alot of art and self expression.  I did soul searching.  I studied me, Psychology, and went to college, kept a job, did therapy which did nothing but waste my time, day and night.  Its ok those therapists wasted my time, I learned I can help ME better than some stranger with a paper.

I study and work harder than any Drs I have ever met, I am not being an *hole saying this, I just have spoken to too many, and wow, yah, I will heal me faster and better than any Dr.  Thats me.  I work hard on me.  He f'es everything off and expects it to be resolved.  Wow.  I worked to pay my bills and others bills.  I tried and kept trying.  By the time I met him, I was at the stage in my life I was done with lifesuckers, abusive souls, negative beings and I made a promise to myself: I will not allow me to be abused.  Never again.  The cycle of violence and abuse ends with me.  No more lifesuckers.And he was on board!  He was all about it, yes.  Love and protect eachother, yes!  Yes.  And today... .no, no. 

He has yet to even address the levels of abuse and neglect he has suffered.  And I know his sister raping him for 10 years obviously messed him up on every single level and he refuses.  I try to give him space to let it out, speak it out, lets work it out somehow.  Nope.  There is no problem, only me is the problem.  But see whats happening is because he has damaged my trust, I am questioning all of his stories now.  All his lies are making me think he made up lies all the time I have known him.  You never want to trash someones trust, because then they question everything you ever said or did.  So, now he is suspect to me.  He told me stories of how he raised his nieces, paid sisters bills since 15 yrs old, so he says.  So basically, he was a father (and maybe a Husband?  I have no clue!) already.  So I ask him, where is this man you said was so Fatherly? (who is abusive to me now)  Where is this person you described as being so supportive to others? (who supposidly raped him for 10 years)  Yes, be nice to the children, ofcourse.  (But what he describes is not normal Uncle things.)  I just wonder why he can't be the Father he described himself as... .let alone a Husband I once shared my life with. 

I am not seeing a way through this with him.  I see me getting through this alone, as I am already.  I say this because he basically has put his foot down and said 'NO, I am not changing' and I have put my foot down saying 'NO, I will not be abused.'  See the impass there?  I am very optimistic, very----until I am not, and right now, things are clearly not resolving.  They are not going to be resolved because I REFUSE to be abused.  I dont know how many times I have to text him, tell him, express to him I will not be around if this abuse continues.  And it continues.  So, is he making a mockery out of me?  I say I wont stand for it, and he continues, even intensifies.  Feels like it. 

This is scary but, I have had to tell him I am not your MOM.  Very sick feeling when your Husband treats you like his Mom "You never feed me, you never this or that, you never never never" things you do for yourself, things his Mommy did his whole life until he met me.  And, I do feed him, and care for him, he is just impossible.  The food is a minute too late, not hungry now, I wanted that instead, just make me anything, no I dont want that, Im hungry now, I am sleepy now, I wah wah wah now!  Then I have had to tell him I will not be abused by my Husband like your MOM.  Its very sick to have to say those things to your loved one.  Makes my stomach turn and really makes me wonder what was really going on in that family before me.  Actually, my insides turn alot around him now because of all my doubts and thoughts of him and what really happened in his lifetime, what is the real story, and my tummy turns and turns. 

If he is so twisted in his head with me, and how he explains whats going on in his head between us, what is the REAL story of his past?  I mean, seriously, what tales and lies has he woven to me about his real past?  What nutty too, is he is opposite of man I married in the way that he used to love me every minute, every day.  When I was dying (the Drs said so then) he was so tender, I couldn't walk or move much, he would feed me, brush my hair, walk with me, talk with me, I mean, the man never left my side for 2 years until he got a job.  We went to ERs, Drs, did everything together as we tried to save my life.  He was magical, I really could not believe he was mine, all mine.  Then, 11 months ago now, I said I was ready to go bk to college and back to full time work in the city (we are country).  The cracks started, I brushed it off as work stress, and it just got worse until we are here today.

A part of me feels, and this feels so sick inside when I think this, he was obsessed with me disabled.  I was 100% disabled and somehow that turned him on.  When we met, though, I was 100% fine.  He was absolutely in love!  And so was I, bliss :-)  It took 2 months before the seizures started and I went into bed rest for 5 years because I was in so much pain and suffering.  Now, a strong confident woman turns him off and scares him?  Maybe?  This is not new, the strong woman experience.  I have been called all kinds of names for being an independent and confident female.  I work hard, play harder.  And it intimidates people, I am not trying to, I am just me.  I have no clue if this is where the cracks started, it is when I started to see cracks is when I was walking again and talking of going bk to city for school and work.  Maybe my honesty hurts?  I am straightforward, very loving and caring, but blunt at times when I am trying to 'cut through the BS.' kinda no nonsense woman.  But then I am very laughy laughy, jokey jokey, fun fun woman.  What is nonsense is after he is done with his 'episodes' he then says he needs my hugs and kisses.  I have explained to him when you mentally and emotionally abuse and attack, I will not hug you.  "You will not be rewarded for terrible actions against another human.  I am your wife."  I am in disbelief this is my life now.

Last night he verbally attacked me while I was inside relaxing saying "Oh princess, look at you, ur so perfect, u know everything, princess and her princess" on and on and I was trapped as usual, so I replied "Ya, look at my huge castle, and all my wonderful things, and what an enchanting life I live, ur right, I am the bad bad princess... ." then I told him to get out.  Hi, meet me.  The non-material person who lives in 300 SF.  I dnt have fancy nothings, which is fine.  I am not a complainer, I actually make the best out of everything.  I go without, so others can have, and I am fine with that.  Makes me happy to not have wasted money on material nothings.
 So, princess?  LMAO, ya, Princess of what?  If I am a Princess, that means my frog (him) will turn into my Prince again?  But he has * all over everything its impossible to touch anything and make it good again with him pooping on it all. 

Well, g'morning all.  This is what's on my mind, every waking minute.  That, and my baby, and how I will survive, how to help him, how to save myself, how to pay for anything, how to everything... .everything alone.  Which is fine, I am used to being alone, I just thought we were a team and I did everything with and for HIM.  So, alone is not scary for me at all.  I would nvr stay with someone cus I am afraid of being alone, or in this life, or nothing.  I will leave someone for being abusive and he is well aware of that.  Yes, he continues, on and on, like he has no off button, he has no release button, no rest and restart button.  I have tried to relax him with love, rubs, foods, trips, laughter, hugs, I cannot make anyone happy, happiness comes from the inside.  But he manipulated me saying if I did more of everything, he would be himself again.  Liar. 

I am heartbroken I made my life all about him, around us, and strived for something I never had but saw was coming my way: genuine love.  I dont think he has ever met someone like me, loving him, willing to be and do everything to and for him.  I dont need him, I want him.  It seems he's in love with disabled me so he feels needed, I dunno, I dnt think like him on any level these days, thats why I am sharing, for insights, others stories... .my best friend is gone so I share with strangers now.  Very giving strangers too, to even read my words.  So, THANK YOU all.  TYSM Wentworth

[AngelBuds]

I realize all I do so far on here is share my dark feelings and thoughts.  Which its good to get out.  But let me tell you all, I have not lost my will to live or my will to fight for me and my baby.  I also still keep my light on, by sharing laughter.  After an hour and a half of speaking about mental disorders (yesterday was about Schizo, bi-p and psychosis, to which he has all but 3 symptoms by the time I was done marking up his symptoms on my study pages) and sharing stories, our group was a little exhausted ya know.  So, in closing, GL askes "Any last comments or questions?"  I raised my hand   "Yes.  How long does this last?    "