Wondering how to be there for S11

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey all.

My uBPDxw wants to take a trip to Maui with S6 and S11 around Thanksgiving, but S11 has a commitment (dance rehearsal) in the middle of her planned trip that is fixed. If he misses it, he can't participate in the show at Christmas. S11 has already missed one rehearsal because I missed it on my calendar; the studio only allows one missed rehearsal for this show.

Naturally, xw blames me for creating the issue. She chose the dates after he had missed the one rehearsal, knowing he could miss no more. I know it's projection, as I already accepted my responsibility for missing the one rehearsal. I don't know how she discussed it with him, but she says that he was upset about the trip, doesn't want to go, hates sand and beaches and will only go swimming in a pool. Basically sounds like he was having a shame hurricane which is pretty common when he communicates with his mom. Now, xw has stated that S11 has alternately suggested that she take S6 to Maui and S11 will stay with me, provided he can spend time at his mom's when she gets back and S6 can stay with me.

I am concerned because xw paints S6 white and S11 black more often than not. This only seems to reinforce that. A healthy parent would just bag it and pick a time when they could vacation with both of their kids. She ain't healthy. I know I can't control what she does, but I am looking for suggestions on how to support S11 through all of this.

[takingandsending]

Hey all.

My uBPDxw wants to take a trip to Maui with S6 and S11 around Thanksgiving, but S11 has a commitment (dance rehearsal) in the middle of her planned trip that is fixed. If he misses it, he can't participate in the show at Christmas. S11 has already missed one rehearsal because I missed it on my calendar; the studio only allows one missed rehearsal for this show.

Naturally, xw blames me for creating the issue. She chose the dates after he had missed the one rehearsal, knowing he could miss no more. I know it's projection, as I already accepted my responsibility for missing the one rehearsal. I don't know how she discussed it with him, but she says that he was upset about the trip, doesn't want to go, hates sand and beaches and will only go swimming in a pool. Basically sounds like he was having a shame hurricane which is pretty common when he communicates with his mom. Now, xw has stated that S11 has alternately suggested that she take S6 to Maui and S11 will stay with me, provided he can spend time at his mom's when she gets back and S6 can stay with me.

I am concerned because xw paints S6 white and S11 black more often than not. This only seems to reinforce that. A healthy parent would just bag it and pick a time when they could vacation with both of their kids. She ain't healthy. I know I can't control what she does, but I am looking for suggestions on how to support S11 through all of this.

[livednlearned]

Do you have a say in whether or not mom can take S6 to Maui at that time? If I remember correctly, you are still in an ongoing collaborative process to work out custody?

I remember reading in Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids (which is really a book about raising emotionally resilient kids), that our decisions are about modeling the values we want our kids to emulate. That would mean, if you value your kids being treated equally, then you make decisions that reflect that.

So in your situation, that would mean telling mom she has to find a time that works for both kids. There will be a mood storm and lots of blaming. And the message to S11 is that he matters, even if you are the only one who can see that.

Meaning, the end result may not matter so much as what you stand for, and how you communicate that to mom and the kids.

"S11, I messed up when I missed that rehearsal on the calendar, and I'm really sorry buddy. And as you know, that means you can't miss a second rehearsal. I want mom to find another time that works for everyone, even if it means waiting a few months. I think that's a reasonable thing to expect. And if that doesn't happen, I understand why you might be angry -- anyone would in your situation."

Or something like that. Because in all likelihood he knows his mom has a clear favorite, even if she blames you for everything that ever goes wrong. And if S11 is acting out (i.e. I hate sand) because it's a safer way to express his anger at his mom, having you validate his frustration and show your support will help him process the bigger feelings about being so easily discarded.

[takingandsending]

You're right lnl. I am avoiding telling xw what I know is right because of the blame storm that blows my way. But I need to let S11 know that I have his back and just tell her. I already suggested it, but I need to be more direct and stop walking on eggshells.

Thanks for the input. And yes, clearly, being angry at sand is safer than being angry at your parent. I see it and understand it. I even tried SET with my xw in hopes of helping S11. This was after my suggestion that she find a time they could all go. I can't get her to see what she won't, but I can still do more to model that I value the kids being treated equally.

Me: "I know how much you want to go to Maui and how the fare is really good. I am concerned S11 may interpret this as you loving S6 more than him. Is this something that you feel comfortable talking to him about?" 

Her: "[S11 and I] have been talking. He doesn't have to do [Christmas show]. He really fussed in every direction about Maui. He may not want to go. Please don't read into it too deeply." and "You do know this wouldn't be an issue had S11 not missed rehearsal. I don't think it's fair for you to put this on me this way."

Basically, invalidate S11's feelings, minimize his wants. Minimize my feelings and parenting. Shift blame. Project.

[takingandsending]

I missed your first question. I actually do have a say in whether or not xw takes S6 to Maui at proposed time because it's my access time. I was switching with her to accommodate this trip. I am going to ask her to choose another time, tell her I don't think this is a good idea and that I am not going to agree to switch access time.

[livednlearned]

I realize that there's kind of a paradox with these responses.

On  one hand, it's depersonalizing the responses because they are rooted in mood, not fact.

On the other hand, it's being responsive to that mood so that it doesn't escalate unnecessarily.

I am not going to agree to switch access time.

is probably sufficient.

I don't think this is a good idea

might escalate a mood that is already escalating

I am going to ask her to choose another time

gets her to focus on problem solving.

Then, you can sort through the blamefest to pick out the pieces that are adult, for lack of a better word  

[takingandsending]

Advised no on switching access days by phone call. Not clean - written communication would have been better.

I agreed to talk to S11 and his T over next two days to see what he is feeling. Got a lot of guilt/blame. Reminded self that she has made choices based on her feelings and takes no responsibility for that. Truly parallel parenting with a child.