Proud of my son

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After so much negative that washes over all of us I was very proud of my son 10 this weekend and how he handled his mother's dis-regulation and anger and I wanted to share it.

My son and I went away Friday night for an outing for the Cub Scouts and he was there when I paid for all three of us to attend and was there when for legitimate health reasons my wife declined to go. Later when we were gone she overheard her complaining that she is always excluded from everything and that my son and I are always doing our own thing and not including her. My son then had a great rational conversation with me that he doesn't understand why she is mad because of the choices that she makes and we discussed it a little and I tried to explain it the best I could being realistic but not painting her black so that he could understand more.

Fast forward to Monday... .my spouse wakes up and her smartphone will not stay turned on and is getting an error message. She is asking me what is wrong with it and I reason that it's a short circuit or that the battery is dying... .she then goes down the rabbit hole and starts accusing me of installing things on it to spy on her or of breaking it to isolate her. Starts railing about how her father and other people need to call her and that she is waiting for a call back for a potential job offer (Monday was a holiday mind you) I calmed it down a bit and as she's sitting there hopeless I am presenting her with the choices that she can make to correct this and move forward instead of sitting there feeling sorry for herself and her broken phone taking no action. We travel around to a few places and drop the phone off for repair, the hole time it's crisis after crisis and my son is trying to reason with her and talking in the calmest tones to her letting her know that the phone will be fixed.

We return home and my wife is attempting to use the computer to send messages to people and getting mad that the computer won't do what she wants and she decides to go to out. My son asks her if she will be home to eat supper with us and she rails at him about being a vegetarian and that he and daddy don't by food for her etc. and he stops her cold and says "I was making a list this morning and you sais that you didn't want anything" he then says "I put down salad and egg salad and vegetables for you on the list so we can eat together" she just stopped cold... .and was crying and worked out a time to eat supper together. She then stated a bit again and he said to her "you can't be mad at us for choices that you make." and she didn't have a reply, or an outburst she just teared up and left for a while and came back in time to eat supper, was civil and then she went to bed.

I am so proud of him at his age being able to handle that situation and take care of his needs and recognizing that she is making her own choices to cause her own pain.

[Tired_Dad]

After so much negative that washes over all of us I was very proud of my son 10 this weekend and how he handled his mother's dis-regulation and anger and I wanted to share it.

My son and I went away Friday night for an outing for the Cub Scouts and he was there when I paid for all three of us to attend and was there when for legitimate health reasons my wife declined to go. Later when we were gone she overheard her complaining that she is always excluded from everything and that my son and I are always doing our own thing and not including her. My son then had a great rational conversation with me that he doesn't understand why she is mad because of the choices that she makes and we discussed it a little and I tried to explain it the best I could being realistic but not painting her black so that he could understand more.

Fast forward to Monday... .my spouse wakes up and her smartphone will not stay turned on and is getting an error message. She is asking me what is wrong with it and I reason that it's a short circuit or that the battery is dying... .she then goes down the rabbit hole and starts accusing me of installing things on it to spy on her or of breaking it to isolate her. Starts railing about how her father and other people need to call her and that she is waiting for a call back for a potential job offer (Monday was a holiday mind you) I calmed it down a bit and as she's sitting there hopeless I am presenting her with the choices that she can make to correct this and move forward instead of sitting there feeling sorry for herself and her broken phone taking no action. We travel around to a few places and drop the phone off for repair, the hole time it's crisis after crisis and my son is trying to reason with her and talking in the calmest tones to her letting her know that the phone will be fixed.

We return home and my wife is attempting to use the computer to send messages to people and getting mad that the computer won't do what she wants and she decides to go to out. My son asks her if she will be home to eat supper with us and she rails at him about being a vegetarian and that he and daddy don't by food for her etc. and he stops her cold and says "I was making a list this morning and you sais that you didn't want anything" he then says "I put down salad and egg salad and vegetables for you on the list so we can eat together" she just stopped cold... .and was crying and worked out a time to eat supper together. She then stated a bit again and he said to her "you can't be mad at us for choices that you make." and she didn't have a reply, or an outburst she just teared up and left for a while and came back in time to eat supper, was civil and then she went to bed.

I am so proud of him at his age being able to handle that situation and take care of his needs and recognizing that she is making her own choices to cause her own pain.

[Tattered Heart]

Wow! That's amazing. IT's important for him to learn how to approach her in a non-emotional way and to let her handle her own consequences for her choices. He did great. I'm sure you were very proud.

[Radcliff]

I had the same reaction as TH.  Wow.  He has a good head on his shoulders.  I suspect he is modeling a good example set by his father.  You are both doing a good job!

Wentworth

[maddy2013]

amazing! i can see why you are so proud! and he is just 10? can you imagine what he will be like at 20?

[Notwendy]

Good for him!

This was one of my priorities with my kids: to reinforce their emotionally healthy boundaries with other people, their sense of what is appropriate behavior and what is not, and to listen to their guts about people- how do you feel around this person? I felt this was the best way to help them to have emotionally healthy relationships with emotionally healthy people.

By the time I was your son's age, if my BPD mother was upset about something, I was expected to do something about it and not talk back to her. If I spoke back to her or had boundaries, I would be punished. These were days when little was known about BPD or co-dependency. We did only what we knew to do. Now as parents, we know better. I had to learn to have boundaries and a sense of self as an adult. Our kids already have that.

I hope your son knows you are proud of him and that you are his reality check. By 10, he has boundaries and relationship skills that will serve him well!

[Tired_Dad]

My son is really my priority. He sees what is going on with his mother and has a hard time understanding it.

We have a strong bond and he has for the most part preferred me over her almost since birth. My wife cannot stand it or handle it when he cried/cries and ends up getting angry at him instead of redirecting and showing empathy. OR she will argue with him at the same level as him... .or worse tell him that he must respect her because she is his mother (a true statement in a certain point of view, but we all know that respect is only earned and cannot be demanded).

He is starting to see that she is physical and I have to separate soon as I do not want him growing up with him seeing mom run at dad and having to hold her back or push her out of the room to avoid her injuring herself or hitting her dad.

I want to either just be single and calm or find someone in time that I can be a partner with to model how a relationship should work and what a true loving partnership looks like.

[Radcliff]

Tired Dad, I have not followed your story closely, so I don't know what other advice you may already have gotten here, but you mention holding your wife back and pushing her out of the room to protect her and you.  Especially as you near a potential separation, remember that these behaviors can be misunderstood by others and potentially put you at risk.  Any physical force by you is potentially risky.  Have you considered other ways to avoid harm to yourself?  How might she injure herself and what have you been doing to prevent it?  Is standing back and calling for help a viable option?

Wentworth

[Tired_Dad]

BB

I have been working on improving my instincts to retreat and disengage when she becomes disregulated. I have been also recording fights when they happen as to have a small chance of avoiding a potential false accusation. I'm acutely aware that any physical contact with her even in defense can be twisted and be used against me.

Primarily now it's hands up, palms open, and deflecting when she becomes physical. I have to suppress training from using actual blocks as in addition to being small and aggressive (like an angry chipmunk) she is anemic and bruises easily and the last time she attempted to hit me she was bruised from hitting her arms against my forearm. Fortunately for me we discussed the incident in therapy and she admitted to swinging at me and I can at least fall back on that.

I am meeting my lawyer on Monday and I am going to see if there is a way to file for a protective order. Not that I am physically in fear for my safety, but that she threatens my freedom and livelyhood.