A parent of an adult child of BPD

[zachariacj]

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD.  On one hand, the difficult relationship over the past years finally has a name to it.  But I need tools to help when she hates me, then tools to not walk on egg shells when she finally decides to love me or need me. 

She has shut me out of her life many times, with no explanation or apparent reason.  It has torn my life apart at times.

I struggle with "This behavior was not how she was raised." Which is true now that there is a diagnosis.  That being said, I don't also want to have a diagnosis to be a crutch to enable some awful behavior.  This is all new to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi zachariacj,

Welcome and hello  

Having a name to describe what it is helps to explain so many confusing and painful behaviors.

Was there a crisis that led to your daughter's diagnosis?

Does she accept the diagnosis? How do BPD traits present in her (there are so many variations).

I remember reading that BPD is like have an emotional third degree burn while on a roller coaster.
Sometimes, the silence is about removing themselves from interpersonal stress (always higher with family members) to regulate emotions. The hard part is that people with BPD have a hard time taking responsibility, there is often so much blame, as well as cognitive distortions of what in reality happened.

I'm glad you found the site, and sorry for the difficulties that bring you here. There are (non-intuitive) skills for us, as loved ones, that have to be learned, and that can prevent things from getting worse, even if they can't cure BPD. We will walk with you on this journey, as you learn about BPD.

Many hugs to you  

You are not alone.

LnL