Not...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I added something in the first paragraph and one sentence in the second as it was too late to edit it as I thought of it after... .

My uBPDexW went a couple of weeks with no contact since my last update.  After several weeks, my grandmother passed away.  I texted her to let her know as she has known my grandmother for about 15 years.  I didn’t do it to start communicating but rather I felt it was the right thing to do because she loved my grandmother.  We started communicating after that and when I got back into town a week ago Saturday, she invited me over as she said she wanted to make sure I was ok.  I went over and we talked for several hours and we ended up having sex.  I left and went home afterwards.  I didn’t see her for a couple of days even though we were texting.  When I saw her again, we were affectionate.  We saw each other twice llast week and pretty much the same thing.  Two days ago I got One of those feelings that said, “She may be seeing someone.”  I’ve never had that feeling before with her but this time it felt different.  I also noticed she was a little different with her phone than normal, but nothing too out of the ordinary.  She even told me about a “block party” on her street this past weekend where a neighbor who is married (whose wife leaves town for business a lot including the next week or so) invited her and the family to join him and his family to a festival.  She agreed to go, but thought it was really strange to bring up as well as actually agreeing to go.  I was floored and didn’t know what to say, and this crap came out of my mouth.  I told her that sounded like fun as I’ve never actually been to that particular event.  Sounds a lot like there was some conscience easing going on on with her maybe?  That brings me to today... .

I go over there earlier today and we are talking and holding hands and kissed.  She went to the kitchen and came and sat down and said, “I want to talk to you about something.”  I said, “Ok”.  She told me that she was interested in someone and wanted to be honest with me.  I wasn’t stunned, but sort of looked away and didn’t know what to say.  I looked at her and said, “OK.  We’re divorced so you don’t need my permission to see them, but I appreciate you telling me.”  She gave me a funny look and I said, “I hope that person makes you happy.”  She responded, “Cmon ML, lets not BS each other, you aren’t happy about this and I know this isn’t what you want.”  I said, “No, it’s not what I prefer, but I’m not an a$$.”  I think it caught her off guard that I didn’t grovel or something and she looked down and said, “Ok, but I want to still be friends.”  I looked at her and asked her, “How do you expect that to happen?  I can’t be friends with someone who I have loving feelings for while they are seeing and possibly sleeping with someone else.  I can’t. I’m going to take a huge step back.”  She said she understood that. I asked her who it was (even threw the guy down the street in there) and she said it wasn’t important but asked why I had thought that.  I told her I didn’t care who it was and she finally said it was someone she knew before her first husband.  After a few more minutes, I told her, “I guess this is it.  I got up and walked toward the door.  She followed me outside and she looked at me and said, “I still and always will love you and want what’s best for you.  I want you to have everything you are working so hard for.”  I said, “I love you too... .I always will.”  Then I said something stupid out of fear that I regretted afterwards.  I said, “If it doesn’t work out with this guy, call me.”  We hugged, kissed and I then left.  I’m not really sure how I feel about any of this honestly.  It seemed pretty healthy but my mom told me she thinks it was some kind of ploy.  She has been right almost all the time with guessing motives behind her behavior and how she acts.  Not sure what to think.  Thoughts?

[MaroonLiquid]

I added something in the first paragraph and one sentence in the second as it was too late to edit it as I thought of it after... .

My uBPDexW went a couple of weeks with no contact since my last update.  After several weeks, my grandmother passed away.  I texted her to let her know as she has known my grandmother for about 15 years.  I didn’t do it to start communicating but rather I felt it was the right thing to do because she loved my grandmother.  We started communicating after that and when I got back into town a week ago Saturday, she invited me over as she said she wanted to make sure I was ok.  I went over and we talked for several hours and we ended up having sex.  I left and went home afterwards.  I didn’t see her for a couple of days even though we were texting.  When I saw her again, we were affectionate.  We saw each other twice llast week and pretty much the same thing.  Two days ago I got One of those feelings that said, “She may be seeing someone.”  I’ve never had that feeling before with her but this time it felt different.  I also noticed she was a little different with her phone than normal, but nothing too out of the ordinary.  She even told me about a “block party” on her street this past weekend where a neighbor who is married (whose wife leaves town for business a lot including the next week or so) invited her and the family to join him and his family to a festival.  She agreed to go, but thought it was really strange to bring up as well as actually agreeing to go.  I was floored and didn’t know what to say, and this crap came out of my mouth.  I told her that sounded like fun as I’ve never actually been to that particular event.  Sounds a lot like there was some conscience easing going on on with her maybe?  That brings me to today... .

I go over there earlier today and we are talking and holding hands and kissed.  She went to the kitchen and came and sat down and said, “I want to talk to you about something.”  I said, “Ok”.  She told me that she was interested in someone and wanted to be honest with me.  I wasn’t stunned, but sort of looked away and didn’t know what to say.  I looked at her and said, “OK.  We’re divorced so you don’t need my permission to see them, but I appreciate you telling me.”  She gave me a funny look and I said, “I hope that person makes you happy.”  She responded, “Cmon ML, lets not BS each other, you aren’t happy about this and I know this isn’t what you want.”  I said, “No, it’s not what I prefer, but I’m not an a$$.”  I think it caught her off guard that I didn’t grovel or something and she looked down and said, “Ok, but I want to still be friends.”  I looked at her and asked her, “How do you expect that to happen?  I can’t be friends with someone who I have loving feelings for while they are seeing and possibly sleeping with someone else.  I can’t. I’m going to take a huge step back.”  She said she understood that. I asked her who it was (even threw the guy down the street in there) and she said it wasn’t important but asked why I had thought that.  I told her I didn’t care who it was and she finally said it was someone she knew before her first husband.  After a few more minutes, I told her, “I guess this is it.  I got up and walked toward the door.  She followed me outside and she looked at me and said, “I still and always will love you and want what’s best for you.  I want you to have everything you are working so hard for.”  I said, “I love you too... .I always will.”  Then I said something stupid out of fear that I regretted afterwards.  I said, “If it doesn’t work out with this guy, call me.”  We hugged, kissed and I then left.  I’m not really sure how I feel about any of this honestly.  It seemed pretty healthy but my mom told me she thinks it was some kind of ploy.  She has been right almost all the time with guessing motives behind her behavior and how she acts.  Not sure what to think.  Thoughts?

[formflier]

I'm sorry about the way things turned out.  Hoping you can be extra kind to yourself.

   

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

I'm sorry about the way things turned out.  Hoping you can be extra kind to yourself.

   

FF

Thanks.  I’m hurting a little bit and not sure I believe this is the end for her.  For me it is as long as she is seeing someone else.  It has to be.  When she told me that she was interested in someone else, my first thought was, “He doesn’t know what he is in for.”  I also remember the beginning of our r/s, the things she said to me and at the same time I know what he is in for after the “honeymoon period”.  It makes me sick to my stomach that she is probably having sex with someone else.  I knew it couldn’t keep going on like this, yet I kept holding on.  And for what.  Stupid me. 

[formflier]

Hey man... .hang in there.

You have feelings for her... .you made decisions and took actions to "follow your feelings". 

At the heart of it, you were vulnerable, open and caring... even when she was not. 

It hurts to be rejected, it should.  I'm so sorry it has come to this.

I really hope you can do specific things to grieve your relationship.  I'm in the process of grieving mine.  Technically I've not changed any part of it, but I have changed the way I "look" at it. 

I wrote a letter after she threw a tantrum.  I gave her the letter.  It was cathartic.  I'm not saying you should give her a letter... but perhaps one should be written... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315549.0

Priority 1... .be kind to yourself.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

Hey man... .hang in there.

You have feelings for her... .you made decisions and took actions to "follow your feelings". 

At the heart of it, you were vulnerable, open and caring... even when she was not. 

It hurts to be rejected, it should.  I'm so sorry it has come to this.

I really hope you can do specific things to grieve your relationship.  I'm in the process of grieving mine.  Technically I've not changed any part of it, but I have changed the way I "look" at it. 

I wrote a letter after she threw a tantrum.  I gave her the letter.  It was cathartic.  I'm not saying you should give her a letter... but perhaps one should be written... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315549.0

Priority 1... .be kind to yourself.

FF

That’s a great idea.  Thanks FF.  When reading that thread, the sermon of “prevailing over” hit home with me as I thought that being consistent in my emotions and with her (showing love and compassion) over time would come to the point where “we” would prevail.  I thought that that would speak volumes to her as no one in her FOO or previous r/s’s ever truly stuck around even if it was her fault.  I see now that sticking around with all that she did probably caused her to lose respect for me and I need to own that.  I really love her in spite of all that. Thank you!  I told her I was taking a big step back even though I’m not really sure what that totally looks like.  That will be a one day ata a time process I’m sure.  Thoughts?

[formflier]

I would write stuff from your heart.  I did.  I really didn't try to use "rules" and such. 

I waited a month or so to make sure I really wanted to give it to her.

Either way for you... .give it or not give it.  I think it would be to get your thoughts and emotions down on paper.

My essential thought was just like I said... .I've been avoiding grieving the relationship. 

I didn't necessarily say I would grieve and let go... .but the two kinda go hand in hand. 

Kinda weird for me... .I felt much "freer" after the letter and there is much less sense of "obligation"

Honestly, I wouldn't worry so much about if she respects you or not.  I think you are long past that... either way.  Focus more on your values.

Stick with the here and now.  Once you get all that out... .perhaps then spend some time in thought about a recycle... .should she ever come back.  At that point... .I would ask more questions about your self respect... .rather than hers.

Her feelings and actions seem consistent to me... .over the long term.  Don't get distracted by "blips"

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

I hear you!  Makes perfect sense.  I am concerned about my lack of self respect. 

Honestly, I wouldn't worry so much about if she respects you or not.  I think you are long past that... either way.  Focus more on your values.

Stick with the here and now.  Once you get all that out... .perhaps then spend some time in thought about a recycle... .should she ever come back.  At that point... .I would ask more questions about your self respect... .rather than hers.

Her feelings and actions seem consistent to me... .over the long term.  Don't get distracted by "blips"

FF

What do you mean with the last sentence?

[formflier]

What do you mean with the last sentence?

So... .I've been following your story for a while, as you have followed mine. 

I generally remember things she has said and done.

People "say" things and the "do" things that "say" a lot about how the feel about someone.  Basically, communication is more than just words.

She has been sending you a consistent message for a long time.

Even if you limited it to "just words", same thing from me, she has been sending you a consistent verbal message for a while.

Sure... you can point to things here and there that contradict the long term message.  My hope for you is that you can "see" and "hear" what she is saying... consistently. 

Then you need to figure out if you use her communications when you make decisions about your life.

What do you think she has been "saying" to you?

FF

[formflier]

Not that I want to invalidate you... . 

But... .

I'm not that concerned about your lack of self respect... .certainly I would want to understand your comments more before I would agree with them.

You have/had very strong feelings for this woman.  You "respected" those feelings... .you organized your life around those.

I remember very clear discussion on here where you made those decisions.  That was a strong move, especially when many were "hinting" or "saying" you should drop her. 

It would appear that you are at... or soon will be at another place where you need to decide what you are "going to do".

Before making that decision... .grieve and stay for a while where you are at emotionally... .

Obviously you were not ready to let go before.  You may or may not be now... .don't prejudge that. 

FF