My daughter is mean, manipulative and cares for no one but herself

[hurricaneJ]

My daughter displays characteristics of narcicisstic behavior, yet many things she does also resemble borderline personality disorder. She fluctuates between hating me and wanting me out of her life to valuing my opinion and confiding in me with some of the issues she feels she doesnt know how to handle on her own. She lacks empathy for others, she could care less if her siblings are sick or suffering;she is concerned only with her own agenda and how she will get what she wants. She has a very small group of friends, and for the most part they are misfits. Her best friend is promiscuous and is from a very troubled, dysfunctional family. She idolizes this girl to the point of being creepy, but will talk about her promiscuity and lack of direction to her other misfit friends. She has even confided in me and said she thinks her friend lacks judgement skills. She is very smart but has zero motivation to help herself get ahead. Her life consists of lying to her friends to make herself look good, watching episode after episode of tv and knows every movie ever made, could care less about socializing with the right people and stays home to avoid doing anything that could make her get ahead in life. I have no idea how to help her. I have tried therapy, medications, behavioral intervention.  She has been in rehab treatment twice, once for cutting herself (all for attention) and the second was for trying to throw herself out a window(also for attention). She saw a therapist who she loved, at first he was great but then decided to get greedy and we couldnt afford to see him anymore. She refuses to see anyone else. She is on medicine but it doesnt seem to be doing anything. I feel like I have lost her. I dont know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

hey hurricaneJ

welcome to the forum! 

My daughter displays characteristics of narcicisstic behavior, yet many things she does also resemble borderline personality disorder. She fluctuates between hating me and wanting me out of her life to valuing my opinion and confiding in me with some of the issues she feels she doesnt know how to handle on her own.

I think you made a good call - that fluctuation I think is familiar to a lot of us.

Its really painful to feel like someone you love doesn't care or is being intentionally mean, how are you doing through all this?  Are you able to take care of yourself some?

My guess is that your daughter is suffering too, even if she's showing it by really impossible behaviors.  Sometimes a combination of letting go a little, realizing we can only control ourselves, and then using the skills that have been shown to work with other BPD sufferers to try to make baby steps, can lead the way out of this really deep painful pit.    Have you taken a look yet at some of the books and videos on BPD?  The links on the right are a good starting place, like the ones on validation.  I don't know if you've tried some of those skills yet, or how they worked in your relationship?  Did anything you tried so far help at all?

If she is still sometimes confiding in you, she must know that you still care about her, and there is something to build on.  Is there any small thing she does that is something to build on, anything that you can recognize even if it is very small? 

It sounds like you have worked very hard to help your daughter - for me it helps me be at peace if I know I'm doing my best, even if the result isn't what I'd like. 

You've come to the right place - its a journey and its easier to share