Loving Detachment...this is not easy

[MomMae]

Hello Jones54,

I, too, was told that my daughter had to hit rock bottom in order to decide to get help.  I questioned what exactly rock bottom is and was told there is no clear definition of what that it is, it may look different for every person.  I said, "what if rock bottom is death" and our social worker said "yes, sometimes that is the sad reality".  Personally, I find that answer totally unacceptable if not abhorrent.  There was no way that I could sit back and just wait to see if my daughter's rock bottom was her dying.

Instead, I followed my instincts.  To me, where there is life, there is hope.  I do not agree with rock bottom.  To me it is an overused buzz term.   Just my personal opinion.   

I truly hope that the advice of your therapist works for you.  Our family social worker at least told us that she would never judge us for anything we did to try to help our daughter even if it was not what they "recommend". 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. I hope she has a moment of clarity and reaches out.   MomMae

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jones54]

It has been a bit since I have posted. I wish I could report things have changed in my daughter's mind but they have not. She has about 2 weeks left in this rental house then needs to leave. I am sure she is continuing her drug use while she is there. She had gone into a "silent mode" for the last couple of weeks (no nasty texts or emails, nothing). I found out she is still connected with this older gentlemen (saw her car at his house). He is in recovery as well so probably not good for him to be around her since she is not clean. Her nasty emails started up again a night ago (I had been sending some Bible verses and finally sent a small note of support). She again began blaming me for everything in her life.
 I am almost finished with the book ":)on't Let Your Kids Kill You". This has been an immense help to me. Knowing that I have to stick to my guns and step away from any support for her. That is what the therapists is saying all along. This is more about her addiction than anything at this point. Believe it or not, my fiancee had me watch an episode of Dr. Phil. I do not watch this show but it was about an addicted son who was continually enabled by the mother. He was mean just like my daughter but the mother continued to help him ( he did absolutely nothing but live in a trailer in the back yard and do drugs). It seemed so familiar (my daughter has it much better... .she lives in a paid for rented house just for her!). In essence, nothing will change unless she decides to change. Helping her (just like the son in the trailer) will only prolong things. Yes, I worry about her overdosing but I have no choice at this point. Seeing this show and reading this book (the author had 2 drug addicted sons who probably were part of the cause of his divorce as well as causing total chaos in his life... .this is just like me). Enough is enough. I need my life back. Everyone has choices in life. Yes, I pity her that she as BPD and severe addiction issues. But I know I cannot make her change, only she can do that. I have to accept she may not change which is very sad. But if I continue to drive myself crazy trying to get her to change, we both lose. This has been very difficult for me because my happiness has always been related to when others were happy who were around me (mostly my children). It has been taken me a long time to understand that happiness is internal and cannot be gotten from the outside. If you live your life that way you will only be disappointed.
 Another thing is I have to stop with expectations. I have done this for years.  It could be as simple as the want of takeing a walk with her alone on a beach to hoping she would finish grad school as a social worker and be successful helping other addicts lead better lives. I have given all that up because it only depresses me when I think about these things.
She wants no relationship with me at this point. The lashing out at me is mostly the addict (not the real person in her). I understand this better because I see it happen to all the other parents I speak with in Narc-anon and Al-anon. We are all in a lot of pain but the time has come that I need to take my life back and let go. I am grateful for my faith and know God will take care of her. Yes, I hope some day she will "see the light" and turn that corner to lead a different life. But that will be entirely up to her. I will always be here for her if she wants but I have to stop chasing this chaos.