Feeling numb-ish, and more updates

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I guess I'll start with the good news. uBPDh is going to the office every day and doing his intensive training with his new real estate office. So far, he's loving it and has already got three prospects (two buyers, one seller). Obviously it takes a while to make money, but he's really into it and seems to be doing a good job at engaging people. I do worry about how he'll manage stress, especially if he does start to get busy, but I think he will feel good if he starts to make his own money.

He's been pleasant, for the most part, while all of this has been happening. There were only two minor rages when he lost his sunglasses over the weekend (he did this twice), but he did not completely lose it, so I think this is progress. He knows that if he completely loses it, he's going to lose me, so he's been careful to keep himself in check. This proves that, yes, they can control it to some degree if they want to, but they have to decide that they want to.

This scenario always happens. I tend to be less meticulous about organization than he is, but I'm not a slob by any means. Since being with him, I've been more conscientious about putting things in their rightful place, and creating an organization system for things like closets and drawers. I have to say, I've been pretty good about this lately. However, his cleanliness, like many things with BPD, is pretty much all or nothing. Either his side of the bedroom is neat as a pin, or it's cluttered with stuff strewn everywhere. Either he leaves our kitchen spotless, or he leaves things out of the refrigerator, in the sink, etc. Either all of his clothes are clean, or they're all dirty. You get the picture. When he loses items, he starts to flip out about the "clutter" everywhere, most of which is his own doing, but he tends to talk about it like it's "our" problem, or even my problem to fix. Early on in our relationship, I may very well have contributed to the clutter, but most of the time, it's all him. Of course, it's always the fault of the "clutter" that he misplaces things (and not the fact that he's not putting things back in the same place every time - of course).

The last time he started to get agitated, I left the house with the dog and went on a walk. That really kept things from escalating. So, that's good, I guess.

My big problem is that I feel nothing, other than just trying to keep the peace. When we spend time together, all he talks about is his real estate stuff or about cars. It's boring to me. I don't feel stimulated. We don't talk about a lot of things, I think, because we stay away from talking about politics, because that always causes a fight. I can't talk about myself for the most part, because he's not interested. I feel like our conversations are mainly superficial and I don't feel emotionally connected to him anymore. At first, he was very vulnerable with me, but the vulnerability turned to whining, and needing sympathy all of the time. I do feel like we talked about more things together and shared more common interests before we got married.

I keep waiting to feel a small glimmer of something, that maybe, if conflict stays away long enough, I could feel something. But I am pretty sure that's wishful thinking at this point. I kind of have in my head that, once he's on his feet a bit financially, maybe we can separate. It still makes me sad to think about it, but I don't know if I'll ever not feel numb. Has anyone else felt this way?

[WitzEndWife]

I guess I'll start with the good news. uBPDh is going to the office every day and doing his intensive training with his new real estate office. So far, he's loving it and has already got three prospects (two buyers, one seller). Obviously it takes a while to make money, but he's really into it and seems to be doing a good job at engaging people. I do worry about how he'll manage stress, especially if he does start to get busy, but I think he will feel good if he starts to make his own money.

He's been pleasant, for the most part, while all of this has been happening. There were only two minor rages when he lost his sunglasses over the weekend (he did this twice), but he did not completely lose it, so I think this is progress. He knows that if he completely loses it, he's going to lose me, so he's been careful to keep himself in check. This proves that, yes, they can control it to some degree if they want to, but they have to decide that they want to.

This scenario always happens. I tend to be less meticulous about organization than he is, but I'm not a slob by any means. Since being with him, I've been more conscientious about putting things in their rightful place, and creating an organization system for things like closets and drawers. I have to say, I've been pretty good about this lately. However, his cleanliness, like many things with BPD, is pretty much all or nothing. Either his side of the bedroom is neat as a pin, or it's cluttered with stuff strewn everywhere. Either he leaves our kitchen spotless, or he leaves things out of the refrigerator, in the sink, etc. Either all of his clothes are clean, or they're all dirty. You get the picture. When he loses items, he starts to flip out about the "clutter" everywhere, most of which is his own doing, but he tends to talk about it like it's "our" problem, or even my problem to fix. Early on in our relationship, I may very well have contributed to the clutter, but most of the time, it's all him. Of course, it's always the fault of the "clutter" that he misplaces things (and not the fact that he's not putting things back in the same place every time - of course).

The last time he started to get agitated, I left the house with the dog and went on a walk. That really kept things from escalating. So, that's good, I guess.

My big problem is that I feel nothing, other than just trying to keep the peace. When we spend time together, all he talks about is his real estate stuff or about cars. It's boring to me. I don't feel stimulated. We don't talk about a lot of things, I think, because we stay away from talking about politics, because that always causes a fight. I can't talk about myself for the most part, because he's not interested. I feel like our conversations are mainly superficial and I don't feel emotionally connected to him anymore. At first, he was very vulnerable with me, but the vulnerability turned to whining, and needing sympathy all of the time. I do feel like we talked about more things together and shared more common interests before we got married.

I keep waiting to feel a small glimmer of something, that maybe, if conflict stays away long enough, I could feel something. But I am pretty sure that's wishful thinking at this point. I kind of have in my head that, once he's on his feet a bit financially, maybe we can separate. It still makes me sad to think about it, but I don't know if I'll ever not feel numb. Has anyone else felt this way?

[Cat Familiar]

Good news that there's less dysregulation and that he's motivated. And I totally understand the "blaming the clutter" issue.

Fortunately when my husband and I got together and added on to the little house that I had previously built, I insisted that he have a separate studio--his man cave. And thank goodness I did. The clutter, chaos and dust there! I can only imagine what a nightmare it would have been to try to live under one roof together! And to expect him to do housework! Now we can each keep our own spaces the way we want them and I don't bug him about cleaning the shared areas; I just do it myself to avoid the drama. But he, in his own way, tries to keep it somewhat tidy--but I spent a lot of time nagging him about doing his share, which really damaged how we relate to each other. Not doing that now, now that I know better about BPD's shame and self loathing.

I digress... .it never fails to amuse me how he blames objects for disappearing on him. As if they have volition!

To address your main point, YES AND YES, I totally understand feeling numb. My current thread: "Hmmm... .maybe I was addicted to the drama?" is about just that point--seeing things clearly, feeling disappointed in one's partner and wondering "how the hell did I get here?"

Hard to say how long that numb feeling lasts, but I know that feelings evolve and change and who knows what's next? It truly is weird to get to the point of being observational and having an overview of the relationship and wondering, "Wow! What's next?"

[WitzEndWife]

Yes, I'm glad to be in an observing mindset right now. It's definitely interesting! I know he's genuinely trying to do better, so I have to support him there. I just wish I felt warmer toward him or something. It's hard to fake it. Then again, if I don't try, I don't think I will feel anything. Sigh.

[Serenity62]

I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time but I can relate to everything you are saying. 

We have been married for 34 years and I am completely exhausted.  The part about the clutter and mess is a daily part of my life. 

I am on leave from my job due to a work injury and he is retired so it's hard to get a break.  I do leave the room when he rages.  The dogs are also terrified and follow me around to escape him.  When he rages, I cannot go for a walk or drive because I am mentally and physically exhausted.

I know it is a mental illness but sometimes I wonder how much is the illness and how much is him.  I get angry when I hear how the non-BP should watch the way they speak and try to calm him down.  I've spent my whole life doing that and I'm still no farther ahead.  I feel like his caretaker more than his wife.  He has nobody in his life because he has turned everyone against him.  We do not have any couple friends for the same reason. 

I wrote him a letter yesterday telling him we should separate because I cannot talk to him as he will roar and I cannot outdo the volume of his voice. He has not mentioned the letter since.

I too feel numb.  We are like roommates and I feel I am building a wall between us for my own protection.  I find it very hard to have any feeling for him because of the resentment.  I never thought I would be in this predicament.

When I hear other people speak of their relationships, I am so envious.  I do not have a husband for support.  My mom passed away 7 years ago and she was "my rock".  I am only now getting over the pain and loss. I have adult children, who are very supportive, but they have their own lives to live.

I am afraid of separation because I will be alone but, even with him here, I am lonely.  I know what I should do but I don't know if I have the energy to go through with it.  He takes all my energy.

There's not much advice I can give you as I am in limbo myself with my situation.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  I find it helps to read these posts just so I don't feel so alone.  There is no support group in my area so this forum is one of the ways I cope.

Take care of yourself.   

[donkey2016]

Hi,
I have also had these feelings of numbness and the feeling like I was bored with my ex uBPD boyfriend. I have also wondered sometimes like Cat if I'm addicted to the drama. It's just so sad to be with a person who truly loves you but still put himself first. Serenity62 - I really hope that you'll find the strength to break free. Take it step by step. It's awful to be alone when you're in a relationship worse than when you're living alone.
donkey2016

[evanescent]

Interesting note about the clutter and cleanliness dichotomy. I never realized that this was common with BPs, although it also makes a lot of sense if you follow much in the way of attention deficit issues with cortisol and stress often underlying the development of both. It was the same with my wife. The house would descend into chaos until it became imperative for her to make it hospital clean.

She is now passed, but was never able to fully engage or find competent therapy for the BPD, but she recognized years ago that ADD had a significant impact on her ability to stay on task and consequently her self-esteem. She ended up seeking help with that through Adderall, which I have to admit often made a world of difference in her ability to cope with things. There simply weren't any down sides to it's use that I was able to observe in her case. Obviously, it is in no way a cure, but it was a significant help in reducing stressors. The ability to simply concentrate on one project to completion helped to tie up the emotional bounces to an extent. So that leaves me to wonder how many BPs are undiagnosed for that as well.

[WitzEndWife]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, Serenity. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation right now and that your partner isn't willing to hear you out. With my H, I know that I cannot control his behavior, but I can let him know how I feel. If he does not respect that, or he cannot control himself, then all I can do is protect myself from harm.

I hope that you can find opportunities to provide some care to yourself in the meantime, while you're weighing difficult decisions. It's not easy. I have been on the verge of leaving myself, and I have promised that, if he ever puts me in another situation where I fear for my safety, I will leave. That is my marker. I hope that I have the strength to stand by it, even if he begs and grovels and pleads for another chance.

[MsFixer]

The numbness. Yeah I get that. I've spent 5 years with my own uBPDh. Things were really, really bad and then got better (kind of). When he got on meds and (mostly) stopped raging at me, I wasn't able to go back to loving him the way I had before we got married. There had just been too much pain and I don't think I was able to become a whole person again.

I mostly just felt relieved that the conflict had subsided. That's when the cheating started and hasn't stopped since. Obviously he blames me for not loving him enough. Part of me thinks if I could just try and love him again he wouldn't need to cheat, but I think that's his manipulation of me affecting my beliefs and making me take responsibility. I honestly can't and don't feel anything at this point. If anything, just fear, obligation, and guilt. I just fake it and hope that at some point a window is going to open up so I can leave.

Also, same with not being able to/bothering to talk about myself at all or express what I want out of the relationship. What's the point?

[WitzEndWife]

Also, same with not being able to/bothering to talk about myself at all or express what I want out of the relationship. What's the point?

I totally get that. It's a feeling of being hurt and unfulfilled emotionally. Even when I mention that I feel unheard or emotionally neglected, and he makes an attempt, it's always half hearted and short lived. He says he'll listen to me, but then he gets distracted or bored. It's depressing.

I fantasize about having a "normal" relationship, one where the person can take care of themselves and doesn't want to drain me for everything I have. One where I have a shoulder to cry on, and someone who can carry me sometimes when I don't feel strong. I had a dream recently where I met someone gentle and kind, and I just sat in his lap and he held me, and it felt like such a relief.

On the one hand, I clearly can take care of myself and I don't need my husband, or any man, but on the other hand, it sure would be nice to have a partner in life. A real partner, not a 14-year-old in a 40-year-old's body. Sigh.

[MsFixer]

I totally get that. It's a feeling of being hurt and unfulfilled emotionally. Even when I mention that I feel unheard or emotionally neglected, and he makes an attempt, it's always half hearted and short lived. He says he'll listen to me, but then he gets distracted or bored. It's depressing.

I fantasize about having a "normal" relationship, one where the person can take care of themselves and doesn't want to drain me for everything I have. One where I have a shoulder to cry on, and someone who can carry me sometimes when I don't feel strong. I had a dream recently where I met someone gentle and kind, and I just sat in his lap and he held me, and it felt like such a relief.

On the one hand, I clearly can take care of myself and I don't need my husband, or any man, but on the other hand, it sure would be nice to have a partner in life. A real partner, not a 14-year-old in a 40-year-old's body. Sigh.

Yes, all of this! It is possible. My mom spent 34 years with my absolutely horrible NPD father and then finally bailed, and she found the sweetest, most wonderful man and is about to get remarried. I know there is hope out there if I could just get over the pain and guilt of leaving.

One more thing, have you noticed that during times that you are struggling or feeling down, it actually triggers his bad behavior and he's even crappier to you than usual? When I'm sad or stressed I actually have to hide it because he gets mad and says I'm "neglecting him". I don't really express any emotions to him because I will get no support.

[WitzEndWife]

One more thing, have you noticed that during times that you are struggling or feeling down, it actually triggers his bad behavior and he's even crappier to you than usual? When I'm sad or stressed I actually have to hide it because he gets mad and says I'm "neglecting him". I don't really express any emotions to him because I will get no support.

Yeah, my H definitely notices when I'm pulling away. He whines and says that he feels like I don't like/care for/love him. When I'm feeling angry or hurt though, it's hard to be affectionate or attentive. I think they definitely notice when they could lose you, or when you're not as attached to them, and can react negatively. My H flips from whining and lashing out at me to going overboard with affection.