Trying to be aware and break the cycles

[Frankee]

I was doing some reading on the internet.  First off.  I'm writing this as a mark on part of the cycle that has been occurring.  Keep track of the ups and downs.  I have been improving my communication, reactions, not JADE, and my white lying.  I made an error.  Friday I overpaid X amount of dollars.  I tried to resolve the issue, but since my name wasn't on the account, they would only speak to my BPH.  I expected him to explode stating that we didn't have the money, we were going to be overdrawn, what have I done kind of thing.  I went to my BPH and told him outright what I did.  In the past I would have tried to cover it up and fix it without him knowing.  I was prepared for the explosion, but received understanding and telling me that's it's okay and at least now the account was paid off. 

Mark 1.  This has happened before.  I mess something up, when he replies with understanding and acceptance of the situation... I know it's been catalogued away for the next time I mess up.  The next time, he not only get mad about what I "did" this time, but throws in my face the time before where he "didn't get mad".  Example, happened today.  The "mess up" on Friday was thrown in my face and now I "keep" messing up.

The incident was last night we went over our budget.  I told him we had X dollars left over after insurance shows up in the bank.  What was missed was the account I paid on Friday.  It hadn't shown up in the bank.  So we planned today with the next bill and grocery bill.  He ask me later on today what was in the account.  Well now, the account paid on Friday shows up in the account, but not the insurance.  So instead of having X amount of dollars, it is greatly less that planned.  I accept responsibility for the error in going over the bank account.  I have decided there is too much going on that I need to create an actual ledge and not just use the account.  I had been doing okay with keeping track so I hadn't worried about it.  What I do NOT accept is the way my BPH reacted.

He threw everything including the kitchen sink at me.  We alternated between texts and calls.  I took the time to talk to myself.  Remind myself not to JADE, just because he says it doesn't mean it's true, and that I'm not the things he says I am.  I took deep breaths to center and calm myself.  I wasn't about to let his rage destroy my personal state of mind.

He was so angry that he said again that I wasn't allowed to touch the money, how I didn't know how to keep a budget, I thought this was all a game, I'm the only one he knows that can screw things up overnight, he's spend every week scrambling to fix my errors, he's not my joke, I was ignoring him, I never listen. 

Mark 2.  He's done this before.  Last time he was saying he was going to take control over finances, which was actually a relief to me.  I thought it was one less responsibly I had especially when I was brought up with my father handling finances while mom was stay at home.  They have two houses, retired, and travel a lot.  So I had no problem handing over that responsibility, since parents made it work.  That lasted about a day last time.  The following day he wanted me to pay a bill.  The cycle is that he's going to be pissed off about it until he came come back down to reality and we resolve the problem by coming up with solutions.

What was different was how I reacted.  I acknowledged my error and apologized ONLY once for that.  I validated his stress about the situation.  I didn't JADE any point what so ever, I kept my cool, I didn't beg for a second chance or trying the "I'll make it all better" plead.  I waited a long while before responding to his last hateful text, giving it serious thought on which route I wanted to take.  I decided to validate (but not agree) with his stress and being upset, accepted responsibility for my error in calculation and result of current situation of no money. 

I see the cycle, I have observed that his reaction/abuse/rage was unacceptable.  I did my best to diffuse the situation, not give him more ammo, and let his rage on while only listening on the phone when he calmed down for a moment.  I don't have to sit there and listen to the verbal assault from him, I kept the phone close enough only to hear where he stopped screaming.  I still have trouble distancing myself when we are face to face, but over the phone is easier.

[Tattered Heart]

Great job not JADEing. I know that can be hard especially when you already feel bad about making a mistake.

Looking forward, next time if instead of letting him believe you are listening to his rage on the phone you actually let him know that you are not going to listen to it. If he starts to yell at you, what if you said something like, "I understand that you are mad. I'm mad at myself too. It's important to me that I  talk about this with you but I can't do that while you are yelling." Give him a short moment to respond to what you are saying and if he begins to rage at you on the phone say something like, "I don't like to be yelled at. We can finish this conversation when things have calmed down. I'm going to take 15 minutes to get my thoughts together." And then hang up. Don't respond to texts or calls. Give him the full 15 minutes. Then try the conversation again. If he still insists on yelling at you, say the same thing, making the time a little longer and longer between contact.

I'm a budgeting nerd. This is weird, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE to pay bills and reconcile our bank accounts. There are lots of great software programs out there to help with keeping a ledger. I use Quicken, but it can be a little pricey. There is a free app out there called Mint.com. You can use it in a web browser or on your phone. I think you can set up bill pay reminders and budgeting tools. And Excel has budgets you can use on a spreadsheet.

I also set up my budget in 2 week spurts. Regardless of when the bill is due, it gets paid always on one particular paycheck. For instance our electric bill gets paid with the 2nd paycheck regardless of due date. So sometimes I pay it earlier in the month and sometimes later, depending on how my paycheck falls. And all my bills gets paid on Friday pay day regardless of due date.

[Frankee]

Good point on telling him I'm not going to listen to him yelling to me on the phone instead of just holding the phone away.   The fight carried on to today.  Came out guns blazing.  Was putting the baby down for nap, hear him...   Where are you all.  Saw I was putting him down.  Then a little bit later, I hear...   I know what you are doing, you're hiding out,  you can't hide forever.   So thinking,  great...   Here it comes.

I finally decide to sit down and discuss the issue.  He starts in with his "venting".  He starts saying some pretty mean things and I'm feeling little defiant (which I know is a recipe for disaster).  I decide to write a letter to a friend to distract me from hearing his mean things.  Of course he notices and eventually starts getting mad.  Can't remember what was said, but I ended up jumping up and hollering and saying I wasn't going to listen to him yell at me and he was saying mean things.  He started screaming that I was ignoring him when I said yesterday I wasn't going to. I ended up letting my emotions take control for a little bit and then I shut down.  He was to a point where emotions were peaked and I knew he had passed point of no return.  So I sulk and sit there,  refusing to respond or react to anything he was doing.

He started saying things to get a reaction and I knew it. Happened last time I snapped.  I tried the let's talk when things have calmed down,  but that tanked. So I finally got to my breaking point and blew up.  I got in his face told him that I already felt like ___ because of what happened and I don't need him making me feel worse.  He said good,  he wanted me to say that,  he wanted to know I felt like ___ because every time he leaves after we have a fight,  he feels like ___.  I told him that I wasn't arguing or getting defensive because I know it was my fault, I made the mistake, and I'm not going to deny it.  He asked why I wasn't going to get defensive because he gets defensive even when he knows he did something wrong.  I ended up literally screaming at him calling his a f*in a**hole, jerk, SOB, screw you,  f*** you... .  He laughed.  He asked how does it feel to vent and be ignored.  I simply said it feels good to get it out.  He said whatever.

I had been doing really good up until yesterday.  I know where I went wrong and I know I need to keep better track of what has been paid.  He thinks because he hasn't lost his temper in a week and I messed up twice,  then that means he's trying and I'm not.

Then when I went to put up a book bag,  he was like...   Oh, are you finally packing a bag.  Turned around and said nope, just hanging it up... Then walked past him and sarcastically said...   Oh, sorry...   Did I disappoint you? And walked off.  I was pretty snappy and sarcastic for awhile after that when he poked at me. I know I didn't handle any of that well,  but I had spent to long controlling and bottling up my feelings.  It all blew up.