Here's my story, does this smell BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been lurking this forum for a while after "BPD" was brought to my knowledge, I had heard of it before but never really read up on it.

So when I was 23 I met this girl she was almost 20, she had been single for about a month or so which I didn't think much of. We clicked like magnets she was super into me and I couldn't tell exactly what it was about her but I was into her as well. I was really well off in life was in college, had a lot of money saved, I had projects, interests and things I loved to do on my spare time and she would join me in all those things and the sex was amazing so what else could I have wanted?

As time went on things felt sour, I was less interested in her, she seemed to be less interested in all those things she was so into at first. She would sleep a lot, have no drive and wouldn't wanna stay up and chat and hang out like she initially did she always had excuses for being tired or not wanting to do anything that required any effort or getting out of her pyjamas... .it grew on me and I started to tell her I was bored that it wasn't like before. This made her very defensive saying that she has less energy than me and that I would have to get used to it. Anyway we had ups and downs and I ignored a lot of redflags with everything going on in my life (college, summer jobs, friends, my hobbies etc) and I got used to not including her in any of my free time because she was always working... .I noticed her mom was VERY manipulative to her father she was NEVER happy it was NEVER enough and after a while realized her 2 younger sisters were the SAME with their boyfriends too. One of the younger sisters was even officially diagnosed BPD... .which at the time I didn't care much about.

I made some mistakes during the relationship I became flirty with women without having any bad motives I just felt I needed to feel some sort of closeness that I used to have in my relationship so spending the night getting to know someone at a club and having a few drinks with friends was something that I like once in a while and she would get VERY VERY VERY upset about this, jealous, anxious and would text all night asking when I'd come home which also grew on me. She would have anxiety attacks that prevented her to sleep when she was waiting for me to go home and I would come to bed and she hadn't slept yet... it was very hard to manage. I was the nthe bad guy who let her stay up all night when I was trying to have fun. Anyways with objectivity a few of my past moves made her insecure for sure but it was to a level I had never experienced. Everytime we would fight when she would do something disrespectful, she would justifiy by making a list of all the things I've done in the past that she was still resentful about whether it related or not just so I would stop putting focus on what she did in the present moment. Its like I had a debt to repay and she still had some in bank.

I grew impatient around this behavior she was lazy, complacent and would overlook basic house hygiene, spend weeks promising she'd do things and never do them, she would start activities but always cancel them or find excuses for missing them. So I told her it was hard to plan something as a couple because I never felt she had as much motivation then me to do it which was a turn off for me. Fights would break out when I would say things related to her lack of effort in general she would be EXTREMELY reactive to that. So it was never a question to separate we both tolerated the relationship like this because the highs were very good even though there was a constant discomfort on both our ends. Then it started spiraling. She met this guy who was a friend of a guy at work. They all started hanging out and making parties and I'm not a jealous guy so I didn't care. She would talk to me about him before going to bed that he would make her and all her friends laugh and that he was such a party guy and goof ball. I said ok, so he's just a friend ? She said "ya he's too much of a goof I could never like a guy like him plus he's not very attractive". We faught a lot about really STUPID things and after 2 weeks she dumped me over text and I ended up finding out she was sleeping with him right after. It fricking shocked me how she could lie and be such an immature girl after 3 years. I confronted her, and she then proceeded to completely devaluate me when she spent the relationship putting me on an pedestal and telling me how I'm the guy she would always idolize in her head... .I was so depressed for weeks I couldn't even get any explanation "it just wasn't working" like she said... .I ended up getting a new job, moving out  on my own into a new apartment, and meeting a new girl. After 2 months she came back crying saying she was not proud of how she acted, saying how she realized all I was to her and that she was just too stupid to realize it due to her lack of experience. She had all the right words in her mouth and for some reason I felt I wanted her back because I hadn't moved on. We decided to slowly give it a second chance we took it slow and the first months felt like we connected on a deeper level, an even stronger honeymoon phase. She became addicted to me and I to her just like before but on a more passionate level... .

Things went sour AGAIN, her bratty behavior, her lack of respect for my new apartment, no energy always sleeping and taking naps, no interest in my hobbies, no hobbies of her own and we lost interest in each other. I was working outside of town 4 days a week so we had a physical break from each other and I think this is what helped us last... .I still had resentment over her leaving so disrespectfully but I had been younger and for some reason could understand her mistake but it still hurt. She still made lists of my past mistakes to justify her leaving... .which upset me.

Anyways we faught over the phone while I was away for work and hung up on each other. When I came back home she didn't reach out to come see me as usual, she gave me 10 days of silent treatment to which I ended up breaking to ask her what the heck. She told me "Our last fight made me realize we need to both move on from this relationship that is going no where" I agreed to it and initially it felt like a HUGE HUGE HUGE relief I had a weight off my shoulders because negotiating and dealing with this person became something I just couldn't fathom dealing with anymore. She told me how she felt inferior to me and that I was so many things she didn't feel she had to ability to keep up with. She even told me "Look you speak 3 languages, you're an engineer you are smart, good looking and have so many qualities go out and find a girl that better suits you and stop trying to make things work with good old me who will never give you what you need"... .She cried and told me how hard the decision was for her but that it had to be made and she needed us to communicate LESS to help her "move on and forget me"

10 days later I see her at a club most people in their twenties hang out in... she was all over some other guy and I found out she was sleeping with him the week after. 2 weeks later she posts herself on instagram and facebook publicly with him "on vacation" on the patio of some bar in another city. People were all liking and congratulating her on her new BF... .I felt sick to my stomach to go through the same motions again, I felt like a ___ing idiot to get played like that twice by a girl with what seems like a teenager's emotional maturity. I repeated the same pattern, I confronted her about it and she said "We weren't working out anyway I met him this summer at work and he entered my life slowly and we just get along so much better" (It had been 25 days since we had spoken) she also proceeded to put me down AGAIN like the first time. "I feel so much better without you in my life, it feels like I'm free and things have been so much better in my family, friends, work and school" (She had problems in all those spheres of her life only 2-3 months prior it was a mess and now she's free of me and 2 weeks later everything is fixed) she sent me a stupid youtube video of happyness and how I only brought pain to her life. I remained very validating without realizing I just told her I was happy for her and that it was too bad that she had to replace me twice in 4 years to find happyness. She told me I was Batman and her Robin and that she needed to be Supergirl, being my sidekick was not what she wanted. (I spent my whole 4 years trying to get her off the couch!) It hurts a lot to realize all the efforts I made to try and get her to grow up are all spat in my face... .

Thanks for reading this far, can anyone see a BPD pattern in this or am I crazy? I still crave her even though she is just a problem to manage in my life. I have been NC with her for 45 days since confronting her. I blocked her on social media. Many people warn me that these type of people operate on cycles and she might show up again randomly love bombing me if it doesn't work out with the new guy.

Thanks!

[Subaru02]

I've been lurking this forum for a while after "BPD" was brought to my knowledge, I had heard of it before but never really read up on it.

So when I was 23 I met this girl she was almost 20, she had been single for about a month or so which I didn't think much of. We clicked like magnets she was super into me and I couldn't tell exactly what it was about her but I was into her as well. I was really well off in life was in college, had a lot of money saved, I had projects, interests and things I loved to do on my spare time and she would join me in all those things and the sex was amazing so what else could I have wanted?

As time went on things felt sour, I was less interested in her, she seemed to be less interested in all those things she was so into at first. She would sleep a lot, have no drive and wouldn't wanna stay up and chat and hang out like she initially did she always had excuses for being tired or not wanting to do anything that required any effort or getting out of her pyjamas... .it grew on me and I started to tell her I was bored that it wasn't like before. This made her very defensive saying that she has less energy than me and that I would have to get used to it. Anyway we had ups and downs and I ignored a lot of redflags with everything going on in my life (college, summer jobs, friends, my hobbies etc) and I got used to not including her in any of my free time because she was always working... .I noticed her mom was VERY manipulative to her father she was NEVER happy it was NEVER enough and after a while realized her 2 younger sisters were the SAME with their boyfriends too. One of the younger sisters was even officially diagnosed BPD... .which at the time I didn't care much about.

I made some mistakes during the relationship I became flirty with women without having any bad motives I just felt I needed to feel some sort of closeness that I used to have in my relationship so spending the night getting to know someone at a club and having a few drinks with friends was something that I like once in a while and she would get VERY VERY VERY upset about this, jealous, anxious and would text all night asking when I'd come home which also grew on me. She would have anxiety attacks that prevented her to sleep when she was waiting for me to go home and I would come to bed and she hadn't slept yet... it was very hard to manage. I was the nthe bad guy who let her stay up all night when I was trying to have fun. Anyways with objectivity a few of my past moves made her insecure for sure but it was to a level I had never experienced. Everytime we would fight when she would do something disrespectful, she would justifiy by making a list of all the things I've done in the past that she was still resentful about whether it related or not just so I would stop putting focus on what she did in the present moment. Its like I had a debt to repay and she still had some in bank.

I grew impatient around this behavior she was lazy, complacent and would overlook basic house hygiene, spend weeks promising she'd do things and never do them, she would start activities but always cancel them or find excuses for missing them. So I told her it was hard to plan something as a couple because I never felt she had as much motivation then me to do it which was a turn off for me. Fights would break out when I would say things related to her lack of effort in general she would be EXTREMELY reactive to that. So it was never a question to separate we both tolerated the relationship like this because the highs were very good even though there was a constant discomfort on both our ends. Then it started spiraling. She met this guy who was a friend of a guy at work. They all started hanging out and making parties and I'm not a jealous guy so I didn't care. She would talk to me about him before going to bed that he would make her and all her friends laugh and that he was such a party guy and goof ball. I said ok, so he's just a friend ? She said "ya he's too much of a goof I could never like a guy like him plus he's not very attractive". We faught a lot about really STUPID things and after 2 weeks she dumped me over text and I ended up finding out she was sleeping with him right after. It fricking shocked me how she could lie and be such an immature girl after 3 years. I confronted her, and she then proceeded to completely devaluate me when she spent the relationship putting me on an pedestal and telling me how I'm the guy she would always idolize in her head... .I was so depressed for weeks I couldn't even get any explanation "it just wasn't working" like she said... .I ended up getting a new job, moving out  on my own into a new apartment, and meeting a new girl. After 2 months she came back crying saying she was not proud of how she acted, saying how she realized all I was to her and that she was just too stupid to realize it due to her lack of experience. She had all the right words in her mouth and for some reason I felt I wanted her back because I hadn't moved on. We decided to slowly give it a second chance we took it slow and the first months felt like we connected on a deeper level, an even stronger honeymoon phase. She became addicted to me and I to her just like before but on a more passionate level... .

Things went sour AGAIN, her bratty behavior, her lack of respect for my new apartment, no energy always sleeping and taking naps, no interest in my hobbies, no hobbies of her own and we lost interest in each other. I was working outside of town 4 days a week so we had a physical break from each other and I think this is what helped us last... .I still had resentment over her leaving so disrespectfully but I had been younger and for some reason could understand her mistake but it still hurt. She still made lists of my past mistakes to justify her leaving... .which upset me.

Anyways we faught over the phone while I was away for work and hung up on each other. When I came back home she didn't reach out to come see me as usual, she gave me 10 days of silent treatment to which I ended up breaking to ask her what the heck. She told me "Our last fight made me realize we need to both move on from this relationship that is going no where" I agreed to it and initially it felt like a HUGE HUGE HUGE relief I had a weight off my shoulders because negotiating and dealing with this person became something I just couldn't fathom dealing with anymore. She told me how she felt inferior to me and that I was so many things she didn't feel she had to ability to keep up with. She even told me "Look you speak 3 languages, you're an engineer you are smart, good looking and have so many qualities go out and find a girl that better suits you and stop trying to make things work with good old me who will never give you what you need"... .She cried and told me how hard the decision was for her but that it had to be made and she needed us to communicate LESS to help her "move on and forget me"

10 days later I see her at a club most people in their twenties hang out in... she was all over some other guy and I found out she was sleeping with him the week after. 2 weeks later she posts herself on instagram and facebook publicly with him "on vacation" on the patio of some bar in another city. People were all liking and congratulating her on her new BF... .I felt sick to my stomach to go through the same motions again, I felt like a ___ing idiot to get played like that twice by a girl with what seems like a teenager's emotional maturity. I repeated the same pattern, I confronted her about it and she said "We weren't working out anyway I met him this summer at work and he entered my life slowly and we just get along so much better" (It had been 25 days since we had spoken) she also proceeded to put me down AGAIN like the first time. "I feel so much better without you in my life, it feels like I'm free and things have been so much better in my family, friends, work and school" (She had problems in all those spheres of her life only 2-3 months prior it was a mess and now she's free of me and 2 weeks later everything is fixed) she sent me a stupid youtube video of happyness and how I only brought pain to her life. I remained very validating without realizing I just told her I was happy for her and that it was too bad that she had to replace me twice in 4 years to find happyness. She told me I was Batman and her Robin and that she needed to be Supergirl, being my sidekick was not what she wanted. (I spent my whole 4 years trying to get her off the couch!) It hurts a lot to realize all the efforts I made to try and get her to grow up are all spat in my face... .

Thanks for reading this far, can anyone see a BPD pattern in this or am I crazy? I still crave her even though she is just a problem to manage in my life. I have been NC with her for 45 days since confronting her. I blocked her on social media. Many people warn me that these type of people operate on cycles and she might show up again randomly love bombing me if it doesn't work out with the new guy.

Thanks!

[Mutt]

Hi Subaru02,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily, you’ve lurked the boards so you may of heard this one before - we can’t diagnose only a professional can do that. What we can do is look at BPD traits.

It must be tough for you when you gave her a second chance and she finds her way to another guy and sleeps with him with barely knowing him.

"We weren't working out anyway I met him this summer at work and he entered my life slowly and we just get along so much better"

I read this one of two ways I’m sure others will have their perspective to add. I’m the context of BPD the new guy doesn’t know the anxious / depressed her yet. Secondly, she a pwBPD see people as either all good or all bad and can’t integrate the two - she can’t see the grey areas. She sees him as all for now and doesn’t see imperfections.

I feel so much better without you in my life, it feels like I'm free and things have been so much better in my family, friends, work and school"

We become triggers for our pwBPD she feels better because she’s back to her emotional baseline.

I’d like to add that he probably enables her when she says that she feels like she’s free, she has poor boy diaries on herself and doesn’t understand boundaries- she flails against them like a young child would claim against their parents boundaries.

I just told her I was happy for her and that it was too bad that she had to replace me twice in 4 years to find happyness.

You don’t replace someone with someone else to fix your issues. It’s a temporary bandied fix that keeps you distracted by avoiding abandonment anxiety / depression, you carry your problems with you wherever you go.

Emotional immaturity is not synonymous with BPD, she certainly sounds like she’s emotionally immature.

I think that you did the right thing with taking a time out for you and putting a boundary on yourself with no contact - self protection and detaching are going to help with moving on.

I don’t think that you’re crazy, I think that you’re smart or aware or both because you saw a dysfunctional pattern in her family and made the connection that her family displays BPD traits and there’s a really good chance that she could be borderline because of environmental reasons or genetics or both.

[Subaru02]

Thanks so much for your reply, I feel so out of place to be devaluated like this. But if I look at all this objectively the best I can for the moment atleast, I have a very big advantage I need to use. Her coming back the first time she gave me the whole breakdown of how her mind processed the time she just away from me. She told me she "put her head in the sand" and hoped he would give her what she needed. She then realized what a faint image of me he turned out to be, and thats when she started realizing how amazing I was to her. But initially, he was nicer, smarter, better looking and she portrayed him as a good match for her. She told me she realized how I was right about the judgements I passed on certain people around her, she realized I was right and that her surroundings had a bad influence on her. She even admitted she now noticed the bad patterns in her family I was like holy sh1t what if we can now connect for real this time? I was wrong, she only loved me when I made her feel special at the honeymoon phase, when she feels the future is at danger she finds a replacement and makes sure I'm unaware until the last minute she was still giving signals of missing me and couldn't wait to see me its very insulting.

I don't understand why its so hard for me to get over her, even if I date new women I still have her on my mind like its an unresolved issue, I want to write her a letter where I expose how irrationally this whole thing ended. She's was extremely mean when I told her I found out about the new guy saying things like "Common wake up we would never work out anyway", "You and I are crazy to have stuck around each other so long", "You only brought negativity to my life for 4 years I can finally feel like I'm myself again" and my favorite "You only show you care when I leave"... .which is not true. I told her she was repeating exactly the same behavior as last time and she said, maybe but this time I'm finally free from you! As if I was some sort of monster keeping her captive... she had all the freedom she could dream of with me. Its so hurtful to feel betrayed this way someone you were really intimate with, someone who knows your life issues, your problems, your secrets and makes you feel like they care just turns around and basically invalidates all the closeness you had with them. Its funny how she was so anxious that I would meet someone behind her back she would say things like "I always fear you'll get sick of me and find someone better than me" and then she sleeps with a new guy in a matter of weeks saying "Its none of your business we were separated" ... .

Damn. I'm in therapy right now, seeing the same therapist I went to the first time she left and its very constructive as she also notices patterns and has warned me to use this time away to heal and be ready for the possibility that she may show up in the future with similar claims. Most of my friends all say "Why did you even take her back you deserve so much better and you have been with much better women in the past!" One friend also told me "Why are you having such a hard time letting go like she's something special? She proved to you how unappreciative she can be with all you did for her" and I have no answer, my rational side cannot see what is holding me back, I keep thinking about her, I long for those highs why had together, I keep wanting to contact her but I've managed these 45 days and it hurts to feel that she is letting go of me so quickly with someone else or atleast thats what I imagine, we never truly know what is going on but we can only guess that if she is keeping NC on her end, that she doesn't care. She did say "I think about you on so many things in my life, but I want to work my self esteem with a new person now"

Thanks again for reading!

EDIT : According to my readings, a BPD is synonymous to emotional immaturity as it does state that this disorder is characterized by the inability to manage emotions in healthy mature way. Over reactivity, avoidant behavior when blamed or guilt is involved seem to match with her a lot.

[Mutt]

Hi Subaru02,

You are right BPD is characterized by emotional arrested development at the young age of a child but to be emotionally immature doesn't necessarily mean that you have BPD there are lots people in this world that are emotionally immature and according to NIH 5.9% of the population has PD Grant et al.2008.

I don't understand why its so hard for me to get over her, even if I date new women I still have her on my mind like its an unresolved issue, I want to write her a letter where I expose how irrationally this whole thing ended

If you have the desire to write a letter to her to express how badly things ended it could be that it didn't end the way that you liked it or you weren't ready for it to end. Sometimes one partner is emotionally detached in the r/s while the other is still emotionally attached and unaware that the other partner is moving on.

On the topic of unresolved issues some members have unresolved emotional wounds that come to the surface when you break up with a pwBPD, you're not only dealing with a break-up, you're dealing with unresolved issues, not to mention how these r/s's end, they're not clean breaks and many of us don't get closure so you're left with many unresolved issues and questions as to why your pwBPD ended the r/s. Your ex says one thing but then acts in the complete opposite way, add projection to this recipe no doubt members come here confused and thinking maybe they are the crazy ones.

Damn. I'm in therapy right now, seeing the same therapist I went to the first time she left and its very constructive as she also notices patterns and has warned me to use this time away to heal and be ready for the possibility that she may show up in the future with similar claims. Most of my friends all say "Why did you even take her back you deserve so much better and you have been with much better women in the past!" One friend also told me "Why are you having such a hard time letting go like she's something special? She proved to you how unappreciative she can be with all you did for her" and I have no answer, my rational side cannot see what is holding me back,

Good for you that you're seeing a T, it felt like the wind was in my sails after I saw a T and I was in an emotionally good place for a week after our sessions. Work with us here, tell us your story talk about it. Obviously your friends care about you, but they can't connect with you because these r/s are not like r/s with a non girlfriend, it's on a whole other level. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you.

It's also easy being on the outside of someone else's r/s and pointing out the issues it's something completely different being in the r/s with that person. It's your r/s, your experience, she means something to you, you care about her. Sometimes friends and family have our best interest in their hearts but how they deliver it is invalidating.

I keep almost everything BPD in my real life separate, I keep the BPD stuff here because we all speak the same language and people automatically get it, I speak to two people in real life about BPD because they have both experienced it. BPD is invisible you wouldn't know that the person suffers from it otherwise until you get close to them - intimacy is what triggers the acting out and the BPD behaviors otherwise things appear normal.

[Harley Quinn]

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you.

I don't understand why its so hard for me to get over her, even if I date new women I still have her on my mind like its an unresolved issue, I want to write her a letter

The lack of closure with a BPD r/s can leave you, and has left the vast majority of us, feeling frustrated and confused at one stage or another.  Especially in the immediate aftermath.  The act of sending her a letter sounds a little like wanting to remove the bad feelings from yourself and put them onto her.  Would that be fair to say?  I am afraid that it would be unlikely to achieve that for you and instead might even speed up the process of contact, however potentially with a more negative reaction.  The closure will be found within yourself.  She is not responsible for your feelings now any more than you are hers.  So the difficulty in getting over our exes comes from us and only we can solve that.  It's great to hear you have a therapist and are getting support from friends and family who want the best for you.  You may have to accept that this takes time, like beating an addiction.  Be kind to yourself and work through the process.  Check out the Lessons here if you've not done already.  We have tons of brilliant articles too which you can refer to which may help you to put things into perspective, so keep reading and posting.  (See articles to the right of the board  |--->

Love and light x

[Subaru02]

Thanks your responses feel very warm and understanding, something I am not used to on forums. It really feels like a place where you could call it a "BPD family".

You are right Harley, I think writing the letter is aimed at vengeance, or atleast to get even in some way or form to feel like I can also be mean and diminish her the way she did to me but again I want to be the bigger person, so I quiet that desire the best I can. As I said I have not broken NC with her in 45 days and going, neither has she.

I understand that the lack of closure, the possibility of her moving on without me knowing (even though she kept sending mixed signals) is all a cause for feeling confused, frustrated and out of place. I was initially relieved in the first weeks to be out of the relationship with her but the fact she had lined up someone else is when I went spiraling back down while still sending me "breadcrumbs" is what hurt me the most.

Confronting her only forced me to go NC when I realized she was devaluating me again like she did in the past. Somehow a part of my self-worth seems to be tied to her perception of me and now that she describes me in negative terms I initially felt I was worth nothing.

I have taken a lot of information in, lots of reading, exercise, healthy eating, seeing a T, taking some time to reflect and introspect on myself when I have the oppertunity to be in silence and yes, I can say I wouldn't look back to how ignorant I was 2 months ago about relationships and attachment patterns.

This will definitely change my life but a part of me wants to show her how much progress I made, its like I want to be validated in some way as being someone she wants when I in the end I don't want her in my life, but want her to pine for me which is selfish. Its hard to admit but deep down thats what it is.

Thanks all!