Silent treatment is getting to me again

[Adastra]

We've been broken up for 8 months now and my ex husband with BPD has managed to tenaciously hold on to every drop of anger, resentment, and vitriol towards me. Overall I've been really happy, light, and even since our split - I try to look at him with compassion and to rise above his treatment of me. I just had to set a new boundary last week of not having him come in my house when he comes to get the kids because I can't have his negative, passive aggressive energy in my space.

We have our first mediation appointment next week to draft a separation agreement and I know I need to continue to keep the peace, now more than ever.

But it's just so MESSED UP to be given the silent treatment by someone who I was with for 10 years and with whom I have two children. I know he's hurting deep down; I know he's processing and dealing the only way he's able to right now. But it's exhausting to rise above again and again. And how can he not see that our 7 YO daughter is witnessing the way he won't look at me or talk to me? How he doesn't even greet me?

Thanks for reading. I have supportive friends and family, but I feel like it's impossible for them to understand how abusive and exhausting this kind of treatment is. I just want it to get better. Is he going to treat me like this forever? Is there anything I can do to make it better (I know the answer to that after 10 years, but I still can't help asking)?

[livednlearned]

Hi Adastra,

You have a good understanding about what to expect with BPD. It's like a library of hurts that can never be forgotten, each deposit stays there seemingly forever

My therapist described the silent treatment as a form of verbal abuse, and Patricia Evans in the Verbally Abusive Relationship describes it as the worst form.

From what I understand, it's their way of projecting the "erased" feeling they have onto you, so you feel how they feel.

Have you said anything to your daughter about the behavior? What does she do when he's like that?

[Adastra]

Thanks for the response, livednlearned. That's interesting about how it's a projection of an erased feeling. Sometimes a better understanding helps me to feel more compassionate.

My daughter just turned 7 - I'm sure she is aware of how he's acting and that it's not how I'm raising her to treat other people, but I haven't spoken to her about it. I've tried to be really careful not to say anything negative about him in front of my children, so I'm not sure how to navigate that kind of conversation. I would love suggestions!

[livednlearned]

I think it's possible to skillfully address the behavior without maligning the other parent. It's tricky, and it can be done.

Maybe watch to see how your daughter responds when he does that? You might be able to see a facial expression or body language that expresses her discomfort. "I notice in your body language that you do x, and your facial expression is y. Do you want to cuddle and talk about how you're feeling?"

Then let her focus on how it makes her feel. The more you can validate how she feels, the more she can piece together how his behavior makes her feel. Try not to make excuses for it, because if it's abusive, there's no need to make it seem ok. You can respond with, "It makes me sad, too. I wonder if that's how he feels inside, and if he does that so that other people feel the same way he feels. Maybe one day he will figure out a better way to express how he's really feeling."

With my son, especially as he became an adolescent, he shut down and I had to create emotionally safe ways for him to express how he was feeling. Sometimes I would have these conversations in the car, and other times, like after an exchange, I would casually reference his body language or demeanor. You have to adapt it to your own child based on how well they can express their feelings.

If that's not something you are comfortable with, there may be an instance in a tv show that you can use to ask what she thinks the character is feeling, how does it make the other person feel, how would it make her feel? Then see if she can puzzle together why it happens and if it's effective, and think about healthy ways to express how that character feels.

I remember some of the Disney channel shows had awful family dynamics. The parents were pretty awful to the kids and vice versa. Maybe there are some good examples you can find there  

LnL